How to Not Hate Everything

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Sorry for this whimsical tumblr-eque picture. I promise I won’t start streaking my hair with pastel chalk and transcribing scenes from The Virgin Suicides for my zine. This little kit-cat just illustrates my constant inner monologue so effectively.

You see, today, I decided to wear my Zooey Deschanel-y dress and a little extra make-up than usual in an experiment to test the theory that if I look cheerful and put together on the outside, then I will feel less like a potential arsonist on the inside, thus setting myself up for a wonderful day as a working woman. Instead, I got lost on my way to a job I’ve been driving to for the last two weeks. All I know is that I was giggling along to my favorite podcast Throwing Shade until suddenly I looked around and realized I didn’t recognize my surroundings anymore. I should have been 15 minutes early, and instead walked in exactly on time at 8:30. Despite the stressful commute, the day is turning out to be fine (yes, I’m still at work, but don’t worry, I’m writing this while I make like Ross Gellar-I am on a break. [did that work? No? What about if I said, “that sweater is a little Jason Biggs on you?” I guess that’s not so much a joke as it is just bastardizing the name of an American treasure…Sorry, it is unfair to be testing out material on you, readers. Moving on]).

Okay, back to work.

Stay in school, kids because you won’t know how to collate and staple performance inspection forms effectively without a $100,000 private university education.

Sent from my iPhone

Great Equalizers

It’s true that super models are just more gifted genetically than any of us ever could be. Boob job or not, most of us could never look like that, which is fine ‘cuz… inner beauty and stuff….. but there is one thing that evens the playing field. An equalizer of sorts: super models trying to dance! (This also works for Taylor Swift). Sure they have those long beautiful limbs and their thighs don’t touch, but appendages that long are difficult to maneuver.

Another equalizer: celebrity hands. The most expensive thing you can do for them is a a paraffin wax treatment, and any poor person can melt down a candle and get the same effect. Other than that, there’s nothing you can do… not even you, Megan Fox.

I like to think of her clubbed thumb as a little wink from God to the rest of us.

Or Zooey Deschanel’s hands. They’re perfectly fine, but nothing remarkable. Just the hands of an every day human, maybe they’re the hands of your cousin from Maryland.

But in actuality, they belong to this baby angel,

Womp, womp.

Shows I’d Like You to Watch, Please

Here are some shows I’d like for you to watch so they don’t get cancelled… because I’d like to continue watching them. I’ll just buy all of you Nielsen boxes. Just leave your address in the comments section.

New Girl, Tuesdays at 9 on Fox
I had some LOL’s watching the pilot- it’s quirky and fun. The only gripe I have is that conveniently, Zooey Deschanel’s character, Jess, is best friends with a model who’s friends are all models. Because God forbid we get through a whole show without featuring women with unattainable good looks. The classically beautiful looks that Zooey possesses aren’t really doing the trick. Nice face, not enough boob-age.

HAPPY ENDINGS Wednesdays at 8:30 on ABC
Happy Endings is really witty, with some fun plot lines (everything is just fun to me… I’m such a specific reviewer). Casey Wilson, formerly of Saturday Night Live, plays Penny and is straight up a national treasure. Sometimes I think the comedic timing of a few of the other characters is not quite there (I wish they only casted legit comedians and not hot actors- the dialogue is difficult to deliver, and the actors who play Dave, Brad, and Alex aren’t always on top of it). Overall, though, it’s definitely worth watching.
Parks and Recreation Thursdays at 8:30 on NBC
Don’t you even get me started on Parks and Rec. Show is flawless. As far as national treasures go, if Casey Wilson is, like, Mount Rushmore, then Amy Poehler is the Statue of Liberty. Entertainment Weekly did a whole cover story on the show saying it’s the best show on TV, which I agree with. I just want this show to go on forever and ever and ever. It has the humor of 30 Rock, but with much more heart and relatability. I know this isn’t a new find, but I just want to remind everyone to watch it. I’m watching it right now!! Byeee!

Pretty and Pale

I admit that I used to go tanning a lot in high school. In the past two years, I’ve gone, I think once, but overall I’ve sworn off it. Now that I’m almost 23, a sense of mortality is setting in, which brings with it the sheer terror of aging, so I’ve begun wearing sunscreen every morning so I look super young forever and ever.

For the vast majority of the year I’m pretty fair skinned, except for when some occasion calls for a Toddlers and Tiara tan in which case I break out the Salon Bronze Airbrush gun, which I’ve written about before. For the most part though, it takes a lot out of me to look tan all the time. I hardly even notice how pale I apparently am, but there are some idiots who love to point it out. I’ve begun to notice that when people do refer to my skin tone, I go into something that can only be described as just short of a blind rage.

So, if someone calls me pale, or holds their tan arm next to mine, I’m just offended to my core… And don’t you ever test my ability to tan because I can if I want to, I just choose not to! Which makes me better than you!!!!!

I can look like an Addam's family member if I want to!!! My skin, my choice!

If you are also pale and try and put us in the same boat by saying something like “better put on the sunscreen- Irish skin like ours is just going to burn!” I will let you know that I’m only half Irish, and will tell you the story of how for a brief period during my childhood I was sure my father was African American, he is THAT tan, and I have half his DNA. SO, I actually can tan IF I WANT TO, and in the rare case I burn, it DOESN’T EVEN HURT. And give me a week and it turns to tan!!!!

That was just a brief rant…I got a sunburn last week (one of less than a handful I’ve ever had in my life!!!) so this is fresh in my mind.

My real reason for writing is I just want to appeal to you all and ask if we could all just stop tanning. I know everyone looks better tan, but if we were all pale, then eventually, in terms of beauty, we could just lower the bar. It’s like if the whole world cut off one ear, we’d all just get used to it, and eventually we wouldn’t even notice it anymore.

Trust me-you’ll still look fine pale! Look at these actresses! They’re pale and probably already better looking than  most tan people in the world! Please, you guys. Just do me this solid.

Tonight You Belong To Me

This song is from the wonderful movie– nay, the flawless and indisputable seminal classic– The Jerk starring Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters (go watch it now- the comedy still translates… like how Golden Girls is still funny, but The Jerk is even funnier… and not at all about old lady bosom buddies]).

I’m either going to walk down the aisle to this song or have it be the first dance. This is non-negotiable and also a test. If the man I’m betrothed to isn’t totally psyched and emotional over this song choice, I have obviously settled and need to Crystal Harris this sitch, as in call it OFF.

This blog is about 87% nonsense, huh?

Nars and Bare Minerals Blush

For the past few years I’ve been a big bronzer girl, but ever since the movie 500 Days of Summer I started to consider maybe there was still room in my Caboodle for a little blush.

Why?

Spring Time Baby Angel, Zooey Deschanel

Look at this little spring time baby angel!!! So fresh faced and gorgeous! It’s like she just came inside for pink lemonade after playing with bunnies and baby deer wearing a daisy crown- her little cheeks kissed by the sun.

To try to get the sweet spring time baby angel look, I bought the NARS Orgasm blush, which has been said to be the color that looks good on everyone.

But, ack! $27 dollars!?

A slightly less expensive version of the classic is the Bare Minerals Vintage Peach blush, which looks just like the NARS version, except only $18! Even better than the $9 savings, when you bump into an acquaintance of your mom at a Starbucks and she asks you what blush you use you don’t have to say “ORGASM!”

Blush

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