Wine Time is a Divine Time

I know when I post videos up on this thing they just ping pong out into the ether of the world wide web and nobody watches them (I have site stats! I know you people don’t care about my illustrious youtube career!). But today, I will post a video anyway, one I think you should watch because you might just learn something. Actually, I guarantee you will learn something because the video is a 90 second lesson on the Paso Robles wine region and I know that the dwindling audience of this blog has very little to contribute to the Paso Robles wine conversation.

Am I wrong??? Am I???

Anyway, the video is from the company Second Glass, and it’s full of pictures flashing about the screen to keep you occupied. Give it a watch! My sexy boyfriend Nate made it! Don’t tell him I used his name on this blog because he doesn’t find my Carrie Bradshaw antics charming in the slightest! Can you believe I’m still using Carrie Bradshaw as a reference? Next I’ll start posting quotes “by” Marilyn Monroe. You all know she never said any of those things right? Neither did Coco Chanel or Audrey Hepburn! You know who has real quotes? Joan Didion! Joan Didion has quotes for days! Read a book sometime why don’t you!

Okay, watch this video and become the hottest smarty pants at your next dinner party.

Slap Her: NFL Players’ Reaction (PARODY)

Here’s my newest video that I created with my favorite visionary filmmaker and hot toddy boyfriend Nate Larkin-Connolly.

Every person I tell about this video seems worried for my safety, so if I disappear go to the NFL’s house and check on their alibi.

Second Glass

I costarred in a webseries called Drinking Problems created by Nate Larkin-Connolly for the wine company Second Glass. They’re funny and you will accidentally learn stuff!

If you like those check out the other fun videos they have on the Second Glass youtube channel.

Make A Woman Out of Me – Kathryn Gallagher (Sunrise Sessions)

You might have read Kathryn Gallagher’s name on this blog before as she is my podcast co-host for Wine and Whine, but what you might not know is that she is also my 90’s Teen Witch Moon Princess with the voice of an angel and the brows of a 14 year old Brooke Shields.

Kathryn is a great singer and songwriter, and I could best describe her as T-Swift rolled in flannel and sprinkled with Stevie Nicks fairy dust. My little Rose Quartz Yoga Nymph released the first video from her Sunrise Sessions where she sings a very sexy song to get you in the mood for your evening lovemaking. Watch it, like it, tell all your friends. Then subscribe to her on YouTube and watch her music video for the song “Damaged” that she wrote and performed for the movie Thanks For Sharing which is a film featuring noted juice cleanser, Gwyneth Paltrow and professional aerialist, P!nk.

And listen to Wine and Whine Podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Stitcher… Rate/Subscribe/Write a review!!!

Happy International Women’s Day….I GUESS

Hey, when’s International Men’s Day, huh? When do men get to parade around the street in celebration of their storied heritage? Just men, coming together, jingling tube socks full of quarters symbolizing the blood and tears that went into preserving the gender wage gap.

IT’S REVERSE SEXISM IS WHAT IT IS.

Speaking of sexists:

tina-fey-taylor-swift-golden-globes-456

Here are two more misogynists working to reverse all the lady-progress that Taylor Swift has fought so hard for.

{In Bed With Joan Episode 1: Sarah Silverman}

5 Best ‘Call Me, Maybe’ Lip Dubs

I have just about had it up to *here* with lip dubs. ‘Here’ is somewhere between my heart and my head, because my head tells me that if we pooled all the time it took to make all the lip dubs in the world and applied that time to something slightly more important than lip syncing we could solve the economic crisis. But, my heart… my heart says what’s the point of living if you can’t lip sync to a summer pop hit while someone videotapes it?

I’m almost sick of this insanity, so I thought I’d get that last remains of it out of my system by endlessly youtube-ing ‘Call Me, Maybe’ lip dubs.

Here are 5 of the greatest hits (spots on this list were earned by character of the video and my ability to make fun of it, not by production value).

1. Miami Dolphin Cheerleaders: If you like a high concentration of fake breasts with your lip dubs. Some other highlights include watching 4 of the women contract an inevitable staph infection from a child’s Chuck-E-Cheese style ball pit, and a handful of overly tan Italian girls with bright red hair who aren’t fooling anyone.

2. Hanover High’s Period 4 Drama Class: I think the rubber bands on their braces makes it too hard for them to actually open their mouths while they lip sync. At least they’re doing something more productive than drinking hand sanitizer.

3. Some 30 Year-Olds on Vacation: This is what happens when childless, 30-something yuppies go to their family’s lake house for the weekend. Why did they do this? Did they run out of daiquiri mix? This one is perplexing more than anything. Highlight: One of the guys reading New York magazine on some sort of lake floaty while he LIP DUBS ‘CALL ME, MAYBE.’

4. Miss USA 2012: I post this one just so I have more proof for my theory that tall, lanky supermodel types can’t control their limbs when they dance, which slightly evens the playing field for shorter gals/gals with the proper body fat to appendage length ratio. Also, how did they allow this on national TV? This was obviously filmed by an unpaid intern with a Flipcam and iMovie.

5. UW A Capella Ensemble: This isn’t actually a lip dub since they have a new girl singing, but I still had to include it since it was the only video I was so mesmerized by that I watched the whole thing. Despite the a capella version sucking the joy out of the original song, it’s worth a watch because it’s somehow more awkward than the High School Drama Class lip dub. Good for this rag tag group of misfits for finding each other in college. It really does get better.

And with that, I can never listen to ‘Call Me, Maybe’ ever again.

Gina and the Live Lip-Dub Proposal

Everyone is sooo into community theatre ac-torrr and die-rectorrr and all around Renaissance man, Isaac Lamb and the ‘world’s first’ live lipdub proposal. Okay, I get why it’s cute. They all seem like sweet people, and I’m not a complete monster… This is what white people do when they have a lot of time on their hands, and it’s fine.

I’m just not all that interested in the two people getting married… I mean… I found this:

That is Isaac and Amy in costume for the Lakewood Center’s production of City of Angels. I am now less invested in their happiness.

The real star of this video is Gina:

There’s not much info out there on Gi-Gi, but I think she must have choreographed the whole thing because she’s always in front and she’s got jazz hands for days. Bless this girl’s heart because Gina is giving it like this is a 2 o’clock matinee of Anything Goes and she’s going on for one of the Angels who got food poisoning at lunch.

I originally thought that Gina was the sister of the bride or groom because Isaac barely puts the ring on Amy’s finger before she jumps out of her final pose and invites herself into a three-way hug. Apparently she’s just a ‘close friend’ but I think that really means she’s the close musical theatre friend with no boundaries who likes to over share about her eating disorder loudly in the middle of Chili’s. And those are the best friends.

I will say this, though. With any luck, I have a thoughtful friend out there that will show this post to any man who threatens to propose to me (so hopefully this blog still exists in, like, 8-12 years). If he reads this I’d like him to know: I do not want to be involved in the world’s second live lip dub proposal. Or third or fourth. If you subject me to this I might still say yes, but just know if a flash mob is involved the answer is a flat no. Basically, stay away from anything that might produce a viral youtube video. Some additional tips would be don’t hide a ring in any sort of food or beverage, and I don’t want any animals involved, UNLESS you can train a small monkey to give me a ring OR teach a gorilla to sign ‘will you marry me?’ To be honest, I think we’ve just found the ideal way to propose to me and if Koko the Gorilla isn’t involved in some capacity, color me disappointed.

My actual favorite proposal video is from the Howie Mandel show about flash mobs (aptly named MOBBED) which is arguably the most underrated piece of television programming in history.

I encourage you to sit through the entire video- I promise it’s worth your time. If you don’t have an extra 15 minutes so your life can change and your eyes can open and you can smell colors and taste laughter, I’ll give you the highlights:

******SPOILER ALERT********

The video STARTS with her crying because she’s made to believe her boyfriend is cheating on her. It ENDS with her essentially being coerced into marrying him RIGHT THERE amongst her friends, family, and 200 of Los Angeles’s finest back up dancers. And somewhere in the middle are two separate flashmobs.

What little girl doesn’t dream of Howie Mandel having some sort of involvement in her wedding?

Obsessed With: Wasa Crackers

Okay, I’ve got to come out and say it, (though I have a feeling that the people who read my blog probably aren’t that into her, anyway) I cannot stand that YouTube star Jenna Marbles. I don’t find her funny at all, but mostly I want to tell her that since she has a master’s degree and a huge internet following, she doesn’t have to post pictures of herself in her underwear looking like Tara Reid with smudged eyeliner and an inch of black roots (that actually just brings us to a bigger lesson: if you can’t keep up with the maintenance, don’t go blonde! This is something we all can learn from). Also, I didn’t love her vaguely racist video making fun of my Queen, Nicki Minaj. Oh! And I’m pretty sure she just exclusively refers to women as ‘bitches.’

I mean, that's blackface? And the butt? Like, racist, right?

Mostly, I just can’t stand this one video she made about how she stays so thin. (I know, I know, I’ve watched a lot of her videos for someone who doesn’t like her. I just have a lot of misguided friends who post her videos on my Facebook wall thinking I’ll like it. I did, however, watch the fitness video on my own accord. To give credit where it’s due, girl has a slammin’ bod). In said video, she described what she normally eats, which was like…. twigs and nuts basically, but for snacks she eats vegetables and fruit….

…Um, in addition to what, exactly? Nope, just fruit or vegetables. The truly insulting part was that she says something like, “but you can have as  many fruits or vegetables as you want- I don’t go ‘crazy’ about it.”

Oh, can I have as many cucumber slices as my heart desires?

How dare you, ma’am.

This lady is having a smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch (and she’s vegan so there’s no meat on it), and then brown rice with more vegetables for dinner. This, of course, is in addition to the shmorgishborg of vegetables and fruits she allows herself to positively GORGE on between meals.

Is this what it takes to have abs one could eat cheesecake off of?!

The Wasa Crackers in my pantry yell, ‘Nay, sister. NAY!”

Wasa crisp bread

I’m pretty sure I’m getting on the Wasa train really late- late like I’m some old timey, orphan, wanderer child running beside the Wasa train and pulling myself aboard just before it crosses the bridge.

I just can’t believe I’ve gone so long without knowing about them. They’re hearty, low in calories (about 40 calories or so for a whole one the size of a graham cracker), and are a great vehicle to transport almond butter and laughing cow cheese into my mouth. My little Wasa babies just open up this whole new world of snacking possibilities.

I would recommend these for anyone who is a real human who wants to eat healthy, but is still hungry after eating a handful of red pepper slices.

Funny Friday: Garfunkel and Oates

I’m a big fan of these two ladies, Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome. Together they are Garfunkel and Oates and sing funny songs. I wish I could make youtube videos like theirs but I still can’t play the ukulele and sing at the same time.

This song is one of my favorites, and the best part about it is if you look at the comments for it it’s a bunch of pregnant ladies saying “I’m pregnant, and I’m not smug, but this is sooooo funny!!” Okay, pregnant ladies, obviously you don’t know you’re acting smug. No one gets pregnant and says “I’m going to be so smug about carrying this fetus inside my uterus.” It just happens.