A Day in the Life

Date: 3.12.12 (a Monday) 

Morning: I wake up to this email from my mother:

These emails are pretty routine- most emails from my mom include tips on not getting raped and stuff about dogs. I’ve mentioned before (like in my tips for not getting murdered/molested post) I am very cognizant of my surroundings.

You know those women who think that every guy is hitting on them? I’m like that except, I think every guy is going to murderer me (though, I think men do this more… strippers and Starbuck’s baristas don’t actually like you. They’re paid to put their boobies in your face and be polite…respectively). Like that email my mom sent is about how you should always know exactly how much cash you have on you because there’s some serial murderer/rapist/racist/cannibal man on the loose at gas stations going up to women and telling them they dropped five dollars. Then when the lady goes to take the money this MAN (dammit, MEN!) throws her into a white van or something. So, moral of the story, if someone tells you that you dropped money, they are trying to rape you.

Back to my day.

Afternoon: I fielded some text messages from people asking if I actually got a letter from Lindsay Lohan, which I did not.

Then I wasted a good chunk of time doing this:

  {Doesn’t Henry look like one of the Hyenas from The Lion King? He’s scratching his ear, he doesn’t normally look like this}


Night: At work (I waitress) I watched two gay guys fight for 3 hours at the bar. To help you get a visual, they looked like this:


{Ryan Stiles with a goatee, kinda & Josh Strickland from Holly’s World}

Josh ended up slapping Ryan, but Josh could do better than RSwG, anyway (not because he was better looking, but because Ryan was giving money to his ex-boyfriend and meeting him for drinks and not telling Josh! Oh, no no no no no), so I don’t think it’s a big loss for him.

After they stormed out, I had a party of 15 who walked in about an hour before we were supposed to close at 9:30, and I didn’t end up getting home ’til almost midnight and didn’t even get much of a tip out of it.

Later that Night: I went home and dried my tears with my student loan bills.

The 5 People Who Work At Your Office

Since “The 5 Guys Every Lady is Entitled to Date” post was so popular, I thought I would explore another 5 types of people. Let’s have a quick study in anthropology and fun, shall we?

Now that I have been in the workforce for a month and have seen both The Office and Office Space, I’m pretty much an expert in all things office-related… but, probably don’t ask me how to fax anything ’cause I’m not really sure. One thing I do know (and it’s not how to do my job) is the kind of people who work in your average office:

1. Confused Temp: She’s only here for the month, so why would she learn how to do anything? She’s always calling you asking questions you’ve answered before, but at least tries sounding apologetic about it. She only pretends to write down your phone messages if they don’t sound that important and she doesn’t feel guilty about it. Actually she feels pretty fine about it. She also plans on showing up functionally intoxicated on her last day. She is mostly just me. Please don’t tell my temp agency.

How to deal with her: Just wait it out until she leaves, and cut her a little slack. She’s (pretending) to do the best she can!

2. Days of the Week Guy: This person is fixated on the days of the week as if they haven’t existed and in the exact same order for hundreds of years (actually, to be fair, it could be 100 years, could be 1,000. The validity of my argument remains the same). This person either announces each day with different inflections (“Mondayyyy” as if to say “bummer city”) or tries to have a conversation with you consisting of only one sentence fragment about Tuesday (“Tuesday! Amiright?”). If this person asks you if you have a “case of the Mondays,” you are legally permitted to kill them the following business day.
See Also: Guy who asks you if “you’re having fun yet?” No, a**hole, I’m not. I’m a temp, don’t you dare patronize me!

How to deal with him: As annoying as he may be, your interactions can be relatively short if you just repeat back the day of the week with matching inflection. Example: “Monday, man!” to which you reply, “I know! Monday!” It will be over quickly.

3. Bad Attituder- This person should not be confused with Bitter Becky or Bobby (see below). Though she has the worst attitude about working you’ve ever seen, she’s your favorite person in the office because she freely exclaims how this business is being run into the ground by idiots while your boss is in ear shot. She could go on and on about how ridiculous it is that Matt is being promoted just for being here the longest, but she’ll also rail on management for unfairly making Susan do all of her slow coworkers assignments. Her salty language is refreshing.

How to deal with her: She’s a Ferrari, just let her run.

4. Good Attituder: He means well, he really does. Like his name suggests, G.A. is always positive and upbeat. He won’t engage in complaining, even when his computer crashes and he loses a document he’s been working on for hours. For that, all you’ll get out of him is a a euphemism for a real swear, like ‘darn,’ or the more embarrassing ‘sugar, honey, iced tea.’ If this person is your boss, it’s better than having Bitter Becky, but it is still none the less annoying… Like, don’t ask me if I have ‘time’ to put some orders into the computer. We both know you’re not paying me to be on Facebook, so yeah, I have time. Don’t be polite, just tell me to do it! Stop patronizing me!

How to deal with her: You’re just going to have to get over this one. It’s hard to look credible when you’re complaining that someone’s too nice to you. Take it up with Bad Attituder if you need to. She might think you’re kind of jerk, too, though.

I couldn't think of a character on an office type show, but basically the type is like this Dance Moms lady.

5. Bitter Becky/Bobby- B.B.B has pretty much given up on life and he wants you to know it. This person pretty much exemplifies the expression “rode hard and put away wet” which is just a less mean way of saying they look like maybe they’re on meth (I know you have health insurance, get your teeth cleaned!). This person is by far the worst person to work with. They have the attitude of Bad Attituder, but the difference is they want you to suffer. They jump on you in any way they can and they treat the temp like an idiot. The temp has a college degree! Leave the temp alone!

How to deal with him: This is a tough one. You can’t let him run over on you, but you will never be able to match him because you won’t hate your life that much for at least another 10-15 years. He has nothing to lose and is waiting for death. The best thing is to choose your battles, stick up for yourself when necessary, and hide in the handicapped bathroom when you hear him coming.

Other types of people who might work in your office:

Always Seems to be Hungover Lady

Guy You’re Extra Nice to Because if Anyone Shoots Up the Place it’ll Totally be Him.

Guy Who Looks Like Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island (wait, is that just where I work?)