What’s Your Number?

So on Saturdays I work at a certain super market (you know I won’t say which one since I don’t even use Foursquare because I think it’s a tool for potential stalkers) sampling wine for a promotional company. Now, I’m not bragging or anything but I do get hit on by my fair share of AARP members, though usually not from guys any where near my own age. That all changed the other day…

So Paulie and his friends came to my table to sample some wine, and ended up inviting  me to a bonfire at his house. And, you know, maybe I would have gone if there wasn’t such a distinct possibility of me being found in the bonfire 6 days later, with only my dental records as a means to identify my body. (That is generally how I rate potential suitors, by the likelihood of them murdering me. It’s a scale of 1 to Joran Vandersloot. I would say this guy was like a 6 for murder but a solid 8 for molestation. I don’t like to hover anywhere past a 4).

So, I kinda just stood there and made some awkward sounds and half sentences like “ohhh I uhhhh, not a big fan of… smoke… and fire…. and.. I meaaan” until he finally walked away. Then about five minutes later this was slipped onto my table accompanied by an “in case you change your mind:”

You know, I wasn’t going to call you, Paulie, but your enchanting drawing swayed me.

I’m kidding. That only upped his murder status to a 9 and his date rape potential to “NBA Player.”

Now, I hesitated to post this because it could potentially come off as mean-spirited, but there’s no way a guy named ‘Paulie’ reads this blog, and in general, my personal feelings on being made fun of is as long as I never, ever find out about it, you can say what you want- it never happened. It’s like ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear…’ type situation (Something you should know about me is I never like to finish the second half of a cliche).

But, hey, God bless him for having the courage to accompany his phone number with an illustration. Paulie, if you’re reading this, I’m flattered.

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I am a 45 Year-Old Divorcee: Part II

Many of you regular readers probably won’t see this post until tomorrow because you are already beginning your Friday night like normal young people. I haven’t had the energy to write this earlier because I’ve been recovering all day from the 4 glasses of wine I had last night and now I’m inside blogging at 9pm on a ‘date night.’ Like the 45 year-old divorcee I am with my 45 year-old aging liver and immune system.

Here is a glass of Cabernet I enjoyed once.

I just can’t drink like I used to. I’m just not 21 anymore. Oh how my body has aged in the past two years.

I wasn’t even hung over this morning, but I have a general sense of yucky-ness, and my brain is so foggy. I sat in the car today and accidentally listened to the song ‘Desert Rose’ almost in its entirety before I realized I was listening to ‘Desert Rose’ and changed the channel. Typing this is so hard. I had to type the word “channel” from two sentences ago about 4 times before I stopped spelling it as “chanel.”

I went out with my two of my girlfriends from college last night, and tonight they’re going back out. Something about free bottles–I guess they’ll be ‘poppin”– I don’t know, they’re doing the things that the young people do, and I could be out there with them, but I’ve had heart burn for hours, and I just don’t have it in me. Seriously, I’ve thrown up in my mouth, like, three times today.

I also don’t have the mental capacity or energy to talk to people I don’t know, I’m bad enough when my mind is sharp— last night I talked to some guy about how much I loved the Clinton administration, and that I do, in fact, believe that Hillary and Bill’s marriage was built on love, etc. etc.

I’m just going to sit with my dogs and catch up on the 5 SVU episodes I’ve got saved up in DVR queue. Leave me alone.

If I Had a Million Dollars

Someday I will be rich, (either from my own career or the mysterious death of a loved one with a hefty life insurance policy) and I know exactly what I want to do with my money. I have so many great ideas that I should be able to drain my fortune in a very efficient two months.

Here’s a working list of what I’ll buy:

1. Hire someone to run a personal 24-hour Bangs Prevention Line that I can call into whenever I need to be talked out of getting a little fringe. I would say I’m addicted to bangs, and I’m always on the verge of relapse. In 9th grade after seeing Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, I blacked out and when I came to there was a pair of mini sewing kit scissors in my hand and hair in the sink.

2. Hot tubs all over my house. I want a hot tub inside and a hot tub outside, both with wine fridges and TVs somehow attached. Whenever I’m not working, I want to be stewing in a warm vat of my own filth, and even then, I’ll try and get meetings held in the hot tub.

3. I love spa treatments, and I will rent a room at a spa and that room will contain a hot tub. I’ll get daily massages like I’m Tom Brady, and I want all my dead skin peeled off with acid once a month like a snake.

Kristen Wiig living her life like it should be lived--without the first layer of skin.

4. I will commission a nude painting of myself in my hot tub wearing the Heart of the Ocean while being fed wine through a straw by James Cameron.

5. I’ll pay a DJ to follow me around playing music based on what is happening in my life. I want him to make really artistic choices, though. Like, say someone breaks into my house while I’m sleeping, The DJ doesn’t have to call for help, he just has to start playing something weird like ‘Mrs. Robinson’ while I reach under my pillow for a hand gun. Oh, and James Earl Jones will come on part time to do my life’s voice over narration.

That about covers it.

Mini Wine Bottles

I have a passion for things that are either comically large or comically small.

That’s me with a very large wine bottle. Right there I’m trying to hold it in, but you can tell that I’m just loving how unexpectedly over-sized it is.

As much as I love big bottles of wine for their comedic value and the quantity of actual wine inside of them, I have recently developed a new affection for very small bottles of wine (yes, you heard me! I love wine bottles both very large and very small!!! Keep reading for the rest of the details!)

I love mini wine bottles (like this Sutter Home Sauvignon Blanc that comes in packs of 4) because it allows me to reenact key scenes from Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (to be clear, that’s the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids sequel, not some kind of snarky, comedic terrorist snuff film… because even terrorists want to laugh? Maybe they don’t- I don’t know any terrorists. I DIGRESS).

For me, the mini wine bottles are like the hundred calorie packs of Oreos. A little portion control to keep you honest. Individual wine bottles are also the ideal size to sneak into a movie theatre, which according to my mother, is “not cute anymore.” Ya know, one college diploma and suddenly I’m some adult who can’t drink cheap booze during any occasion!

Regardless, these things are perfectly sized for a purse or deep pocket. Much more efficient than taking a bag of wine out the box and trying to fit that in your pants.

Thanksgiving Recap

This is not so much a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend as it is a cry for help as I sit at my desk at work. My intestines are so tired, guys. They just want to sleep. Using rolls soley as a vehicle for transporting butter into my mouth has caught up with me, and it’s taken me an hour and a half to finish my breakfast smoothie.

Just to explain how I got to rock bottom, here’s what the weekend looked like:

If you remember from this post, one thing I want for Christmas this year is the Momofuku bakery cookbook, which includes the recipe for ‘crack pie,’ which is essentially a pie made out of butter and brown sugar, exclusively. My mom made this as our “surprise pie,” and it was delicious, but I’m pretty sure I’m still digesting the last of it.

Who doesn’t love monogramed wine glasses from The Christmas Tree Shop? Probably the same person who also doesn’t love filling it with $7 twist-cap chardonnay. I’ll bet that person doesn’t love a bargain, either. Well, I don’t cater to that kind of McScrooge here on this blog (although Scrooges tend to be miserly, this is not the same as loving a bargain. A bargain lover will spend $100 on 200 bottles of ketchup because of a sale, which is completely different from a McScrooge who, I dunno, would fire you on Christmas Eve or something).

My mom got these wine glasses for my friend, Michelle and me, but as she pointed out, can also be used by mommy and daddy. Anyone can use it so long as the drinker bears some kind of alphabetical tie to the monogram. In addition to wine, another highlight to my night spent with Michelle included about 10 pieces of bacon each at about 1am. That’s all you need to know.

Yesterday I saw The Muppet Movie…. or is it The Muppets? I don’t know. What I do know is that Jason Segel is a national treasure. Though the real point to this story is that I ate basically a whole bag of popcorn before the previews ended, and I’m SURE there’s some kernels still lodged in my digestive system.

Now that you’re up to speed on my caloric intake of an entire long weekend, what did you eat? Did you have any fruit that wasn’t baked in a pie?

Pumpkin Wine from Zorvino Vineyards

If you read my post yesterday, I told you about the autumn-time fun day I had with my mom last week. We went to Parker’s Maple Barn and Zorvino Vineyards. The two places were an hour away from each other, but I knew Zorvino had pumpkin wine and I will log some miles for seasonal alcohol… I loves me a novelty beverage.

I haven’t tried it yet, but I plan to save it for my birthday. It’s a dessert wine, so it’s 18% alcohol, which is dangerous because that much alcohol plus the fact that it will be my birthday (which is already a food free-for-all) means that halfway through the bottle I’ll start inventing fried pizza after I’ve finished my cake by myself. I’m excited.

Fig, Brie and Prosciutto Sandwich

I had no intentions to blog about the fig jam, brie and prosciutto sandwich on homemade pretzel bread I made Sunday night, but then halfway through making the bread I realized how involved the process was and wanted to get credit for it.

First I made the bread, and as it was my first foray into pretzel making, I think I did a pretty bang up job. I used Guy Fieri’s recipe (please don’t consider this a personal endorsement of Guy Fieri. My mom just found the recipe and I used it).

 Not a fan of this french and/or middle eastern jam, but I did make a fabulous wine pairing with some vintage 2010 Sutter Home Sauvignon Blanc. $10 a gallon ladies and gents.

Even just the assembly of the actual sandwichy parts took forever, but it was definitely worth it. I had this sandwich for the first time in Baltimore airport’s classiest little wine bar, and I pray for layovers in Baltimore now (because lord knows I’m not going to Baltimore as my destination. Sorry, if you’re from Baltimore, but you’re going to have to tell me a reason to go there other than Ace of Cakes).

Thirsty Thursday: The Caroline Manzo

Today I’ll be teaching you how to make what I like to call the Caroline Manzo. Really, it’s an italian drink made from coke and red wine called a Kalimotzo, but I saw it in an episode of RHONJ, and you know I’ll make a Manzo and/or Laurita reference at any opportunity.

After my gym class I picked up some Diet Coke and wine- a nice and complete shopping list for a Thursday at 10 am. I didn’t want to spend too much as this was just for a blog, not for some serious, down-to-business drinking. I’ve got to say, I think it’s nothing short of a tragedy that my local Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry alcohol, thus no tried and tested Two Buck Chuck. Other than TBC, I’ve never gone below $8 for wine because I’m such a vino snob and all, but today was a new day. I have a trip to Las Vegas coming up, so I need to be frugal with my drinking habit. I managed to get it down to $3.49 with Golden Gate Vinters! I didn’t try it without the diet coke, but I sense some slight Manischevitz undertones.

Mmmm mmm mmmm, this is actually very refreshing. It also allows me to put ice in my wine and drink it with a straw, judgement-free, which is what I really want to do in the first place, anyway.

Boston Bucket List: Wine Riot

Wine Riot Photo Booth

A couple weekends ago I knocked another item off my Boston Bucket List: to go to the Second Glass Wine Riot. I’ve been wanting to go to a Wine Riot for a while, and it ended up being a lot of fun.

So, Wine Riot is a wine tasting festival, but it’s edgy and cool and better than other wine tasting festivals because they have a temporary tattoo station and a photo booth.

Gaga Wine Booth*

I highly recommend going to a Wine Riot (they now have them in LA, DC, NY, and Chicago) if you are someone who legitimately appreciates drinking wine, a 20 or 30 something who appreciates getting wine drunk, or a single man (I fall somewhere in between categories 1 and 2).

Seriously, single guys, this is a great place to find dates. The majority of people who go to this are couples and packs of single girls who figure that any single man she meets there must be really mature and cultured. Just wear khakis and a blazer and you’re in like Flynn. Maybe memorize some NY Times best seller titles that you can pretend you’ve read recently. Your prep work really depends on how desperate and lonely you are. Good luck!

*Side note: I just want to put on record that I’m not some Lady Gaga obsessed fan. I just found an over-sized pink wine bottle and saw a photo op. I like Lady Gaga in the sane, normal person amount.
Also: Gaga Wine is the worst. Really terrible. I will say, however, that their marketing ploys appears to be successful.

Anthropologie Wine Glasses

I just can’t stress how important fancy stemware is- nothing is more depressing than drinking wine from a solo cup. Worse still is drinking it from a coffee mug. Nothing makes me feel more like I’m living out an episode of Intervention than if I’m drinking wine from a coffee mug, which is why I’ve had a nice set of wine glasses since freshmen year of college. I got them from Anthropologie, and they look kind of like african violets (I say that like my imagination came up with the comparison, but really they were just called ‘african violet wine glasses’), Anthropologie doesn’t have anything quite as cute and quirky as those specific ones, but here are some classy ones that are a little more unique than what you’d usually find.

Antrhopologie Glasses About $18 Each