Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively Still Believe in Love!

God Bless these two crazy kids. They still believe in love.

It’s been a tough week for love. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting up. Love is DEAD.  I fear that the spirit of Amy and Will’s marriage drained from them and was reborn through Blake and Ryan, two people that are probably more insufferable, definitely more attractive, and surely less equipped to be married than Amy and Will.

The only divorce that could be more painful would be that of my own parents, but this has turned everything I know about love upside down. If Amy and Will can’t make it work, how will Blake and Ryan? How will Dara and An Unspecified Future Male???

The Amy and Will break up is so upsetting because when it comes to Blake and Ryan, I’m not betting on Love. Ryan has already proven that his judgement can’t be trusted after he married ScarJo and her husky man-voice. She looks like a very mean lady. Now Ryan has gone ahead and found another woman with a husky-man voice, who at the very least seems nicer, but it’s only a matter of time until they fall out of love and he moves on to, I don’t know, Julia Stiles and her husky man-voice.

With Amy and Will, I was not just betting on Love, I WAS ALL IN.

Was it the stress of the children that tore them apart? Was Will the problem (he was married once before, and it can’t be Amy because SHE IS FLAWLESS)? Was it the fame? We may never know until one of their relatives sells the details to TMZ.

Anyway, what can you do? It’s over for Amy and Will, but it’s only just begun for Ryan and Blake, and despite Love’s recent untimely death over the weekend, I’m still pulling for these kiddos.

Good God, I can’t even pretend like I care. Don’t bother me unless Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are starting to look shakey.

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My Perfect Man

Sometimes I wonder if my friends think that maaaaybe I’m a lesbian. Not that my friends have never seen me dating a guy before, but just recently I have been so beyond picky, that I can almost feel them thinking “okay, what’s wrong with this guy?”

I just have a really particular picture of my perfect man, and I think it would be a long shot to find my type in a bar. I read The Secret and they said to write an exhaustive list of what you want in a guy so the universe attracts him to you, but then Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker said making a long list is too picky!

This is my list of what I want in a man that is either slowly attracting him to me or keeping me single forever:

  • Sense of humor. And by “sense of humor” I don’t mean he enjoys other people laughing at his jokes. It’s a back and forth, and he better like my half-assed Drew Barrymore impression.

Dream Men

  • Goal oriented. I need a man who knows what he wants to do with his life- he doesn’t have to stick to it, but he has to have a direction. If he doesn’t, I’m going to end up giving him all sorts of unsolicited advice about how much potential he has and what kind of career path he should take. (Although, maybe a guy with no goals is nice because I’d prefer a stay at home dad instead of a nanny).

"Up All Night" stay-at-home-dad

  • Is okay with my parents living in a guest house in the back yard.
  • Cute enough where I find him attractive, but not so cute that he can go out and find someone better than me. But I don’t know why he’d even try to find someone else because NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE HIM LIKE I LOVE HIM, SO HE BETTER NOT TRY. An-y-waaaays.
  • Someone who treats my friends as nice as he treats me. (Seriously, guys, if you treat your lady’s friends well, you are in like Flynn. Buy her best friend a beer, or a slice of pizza when you’re all out late after a bar trip. You want the best friend on your side, and it makes you look classy).
  • Someone who will watch my gay television programming with me. This includes, but is not limited to: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Real Housewives of Anywhere, Bethenny Ever After, play the drinking game with me on Watch What Happens Live, etc. etc. They say that girls want to marry a guy like their dad, and my dad’s favorite show is American Idol and can give you informed opinions on every Housewife. I fear I won’t ever find a guy who can fill that dear man’s shoes.
  • Is a feminist. I just want to watch TV with someone who can say “do they know the kind of message their sending to young girls with that commercial?!” Then we’ll chat about how women’s rights are human rights, and we’ll read from Eleanor Roosevelt’s memoir before we fall asleep.
  • Knows the difference between your and you’re. Spells ‘a lot’ as two words. I’m serious, this is so attractive.

There’s actually even more to this sickeningly specific checklist, but I will spare you. It’s a nice list to start with, so if you know anyone like this, the “Contact” tab is above. Thank you and good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.

Abel Poehler, Ginger Baby

In honor of Parks and Recreation returning from hiatus, I thought I’d introduce you to Abel Poehler–Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s youngest son.

Heheheh look at Abel and that apple.

Are the people over at Conan O’Brien’s show going to write a sketch where it’s revealed that Conan is actually Abel’s father, or do I have to do everything myself?

Abel Poehler is so unexpected. It’s almost like Amy Poehler gave birth to some boring Aryan looking kid, but they traded him in for Abel because he looks like he would fit in better with a family of comedians.

I’m a huge fan of Abel Poehler, he’s so cute… but seriously, God bless Amy Poehler’s birth canal. This is the problem with teeny tiny women like Amy having children with big guys like Will. They end up with big male babies that mathematically should not be able to move through such a tiny lady-hallway. By lady-hallway, I mean the path between the uterus, va-joo-joo, and the outside world. AHHH! Nature is scary.