Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

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Happy Valentine’s Day

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“I was going to give you this when I got home from work, but I decided you might have already hanged yourself by then.” -Dad
Happy Valentine's Day

(An Alex and Ani bracelet my dad gave me today. Yes, that’s an adult, human wrist and not the bare bone of a 3 year old!)

Don’t you worry, kittens, I’m not actually bitter over Valentine’s Day. My dad is my Valentine every year, so I have no reason to complain. I’m even wearing red today and started thinking about my future wedding. I decided that my future fiance and I will include in our vows that if things get too difficult, we promise to get a divorce instead of poisoning the other slowly with their morning coffee and 20 drops of Visine. Based on what I’ve seen in episodes of 48 Hours: Mystery, this might be a conversation more couples should be having. Like, look, if you have someone on the side, please just divorce me, I won’t be that mad, and you don’t have to pay me alimony. Just don’t suggest we go on a cruise to save our marriage, then drug me with a handful of Lunesta and throw me off the back of the ship. And I will promise you the same. Forever and ever, Amen.

But, if you’re just looking to kill me for the insurance money, I guess I don’t have much of a say in that.

Happy Valentine’s Daaaay!

P.S. Here are some posts from last years V-Day:

Valentines for Single People

5 Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day

And an essay my friend wrote for Hello Giggles about her experience on Millionaire Matchmaker.

 

5 Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day

First off, let me just say to those of you with significant others: You have enough resources to figure out what to do on Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re just looking for a nice, cheeky afternoon read, I suggest you go elsewhere because I have nothing for you.

Now to everyone else, here are some ways you can spend Valentine’s Day:

 1. Ladies/Gentlemen’s Night Out.

I think at some point everyone has to try the segregated female/male night out bit, but you might find that it’s not as empowering as one might imagine. If you’re going out in the hopes that you’re going to go to some gay club with your girlfriends and dance along to “Single Ladies” ’til the pain goes away, I suggest you pursue a different plan. You have to go out with the right expectations: Don’t go into this thinking it’s going to be a great night of partying and fun. Don’t go into this thinking you are going to find the man/woman you’ll end up marrying. Do realize that any club or bar you go to is just going to be filled with particularly desperate single people preying on each other. Do realize that if you have any sort of positive expectations, the reality won’t measure up.

My best advice is to go to dinner with some friends, drink Cosmos, and decide which Sex and the City character you are. Then, be home at a decent hour and watch Bridget Jones’ Diary until you fall asleep. Enjoy the company of your friends, but don’t make it a big to-do.

2. Pretend it’s Just Another Day.

I think this is a great option, but you have to really commit, and there needs to be a little preparation on your part. First, at least a week before, (there’s still time if you start today) you have to come to terms with the fact that you will be spending the day alone. I can’t stress how important it is that you abandon all hope. If you hold on to any glimmer of possibility, you can’t ignore the holiday to the fullest extent. If you need someone to crush what little faith you’ve been holding on to, let me be that person:

There are 3.5 days until Valentine’s Day. Even if you met the man/woman of your dreams in the next 20 minutes (you won’t), nobody wants to have a first date on V-Day. Starting February 15th, you can begin your hunt for next time. It is not happening for you this year. 

When it comes to the actual day, don’t be that weirdo who wears black and psychotically pretends like the holiday doesn’t actually exist. More importantly, don’t be the person who walks around telling everyone that Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark, this makes you bitter which defeats the whole purpose. You acknowledge that the holiday exists like a sane person, but it’s business as usual.

3. Give in to Depression.

I’ve been told numerous times that ‘depressed Dara’ is actually pretty amusing and funny. How do you keep your despair and loss of hope entertaining to others? Here are some tips:

  1. You can go a day or two without washing yourself.
  2. Wear a bathrobe. You’d be surprised how much it adds to the overall look.
  3. Walk around singing “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seeeeen.” There’s more to the song than that, but I like to just repeat that line over and over again. Here’s how it goes if you’re not familiar. The chorus of “Someone Like You” also works.
  4. Drink a bottle of wine and a block of cheese by yourself.
  5. Watch The Notebook and yell at the TV.

People will find this kind of sadness endearing. Just make sure you do not talk about your loneliness on Twitter, Facebook, etc. because then you look crazy and/or irritating- you could do all 5 of my depression tips at the same time and it wouldn’t matter. As long as you stay away from the computer, just enjoy reveling in your bottomless despair.

4. Go Out with Your Parents or Another Couple.

Don’t do this! Don’t do this at all! No matter how many times your roommate or relatives say, “Why don’t you just come out with us,” do not listen! All that will happen is the server will ask you if a 4th person will be coming. Then someone has to say ‘no.’ It isn’t pretty. This happened to me last year.

Look, I promised 5 ways to spend your Valentine’s Day. This is a way, but I don’t suggest actually doing it. In fact, consider this a warning. Someone might suggest this to you, and now you know not to do it.

5. Be Your Own Valentine!

It’s a holiday! Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy it. Someone loves you, right? You love you, right? So TREAT YO’ SELF!

Eat an entire box of chocolates… 
                                             treat yo’ self. 

Watch 6 hours worth of “The Millionaire Matchmaker…”
                                             treat yo’ self.

Enjoy a soothing facial mask…
                                             treat yo’self.

So, remember, everyone: No matter what you do, enjoy the day because you could be dead this time next year! Happy Valentine’s Daaaay!

Valentines for Single People

Hello, readers. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and there is no better time to let your cynicism and bitterness fly free in the breeze. To commemorate this occasion, I’ve made some Valentines for all of you to share with your friends or print and cut them out for your small children to share with their classmates. Enjoy.