5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

May I take a stab at this one? I have a few ideas:

1. Taylor is sooooo tall. That eliminates an enormous amount of the male celebrity population right there. That only leaves her with guys who are okay with her being taller and guys who are actually taller…So Tom Cruise and Jason Segel. And since Jason is taken by Michelle Williams (but ultimately by me. Just get me to Hollywood and you’ll see!) that leaves her with Tom. I dunno… I think she’d make an okay scientologist. Think about it, Taylor. Jenna Elfman and the guy who played Hyde on That 70’s Show could be the god parents to your future alien children. 

2. She keeps dating these young guys. A high schooler like Conor Kennedy is probably pretty immature and not anywhere near ready to settle into a long term relationship, but this speaks to a much bigger problem for Taylor: that she is a total weirdo. What I’m about to say is sexist, and a very unpopular opinion amongst the men that I tell this to, but I know I’m right: Girls (ages 15 to 28ish) who date a guy more than 2 or 3 years younger than them are weirdos. If you think I’m wrong, then you are either a weirdo girl who dates young guys or you’re a guy who thinks he’s a stud because he dated an older lady once. You don’t have to believe me, but trust, a 28 year old woman is only dating a 23 year old guy who works at Applebees because she can’t find a 28 year old man with a stable job who is willing to date her. She’s probably going to tell you she’s on the pill, and then when she gets pregnant she’ll say that she must be one of those .01% that birth control doesn’t work for. JUS’ SAYIN’. To circle this back to Taylor, I think guys her own age and older are catching on that she’s a total weirdo.

3. She’s scaring guys off with her love songs. Taylor, I know how it is. Being the Taylor Swift of blogging (right? riiiiiiight?) I understand that it’s irresistible to write about guys, but if finding love is very important to you right now, maybe consider writing a Christmas album and let that ride for a while.

4. She falls in love with everyone. This is what 8th graders do! She needs to start writing songs about how she sort of dated a guy for a couple months but then they just kind of phased each other out, but sometimes when she’s in town they make out a little bit. They can’t all be the love of your life, Taylor! Hide your cards a little bit next time. I have a bad feeling that the “love” was all on your end in these past relationships. I’m pretty sure John Mayer is a sociopath and unable to feel love, so I think that proves my point. UGH, and get rid of that house you just bought next to Conor’s. SO WEIRD, TAYLOR.

5. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO! Good lord, US Weekly, give her a break- she has so much left to do. She hasn’t even taken a year off from working and bought her way into Harvard yet.

Who Wore it Best?, or US Weekly is the Devil

Fun anecdote: one time, I had a couple glasses of wine and then cried while I watched E! because Giuliana Rancic (a woman who’s narcissism/sociopathic tendencies could rival any OC Housewife’s) was going on and on about something to do with one size 2 celebrity  looking better in a dress than some other size 2 celebrity who looked like a fat, fat, fatty in that same dress. Without getting soap box-y (though, what else is a blog for?) I hate, hate this ‘Who Wore it Best’ crap that is all over E! and US Weekly. 1. It’s sexist. (Have you ever seen two men pitted against each other? Even if you have, it’s probably a 1 to 100 ratio, man to woman) 2. It perpetuates competition between women (another reason why you never see male ‘Who Wore it Bests’ because the media doesn’t tell men they need to compete with each other when it comes to their appearance).

ANYWAY, I just thought I’d show you this fun little screenshot I found on USWeekly.com:

Tell me, which prepubescent 6 year-old body filled out this Juicy Couture cardigan better? My vote is for Suri. C’mon, Violet, what are those white trash leggings? You were are (being) raised in Brentwood, not a meth lab! Step it up, you little blonde ogre! Who dressed her??? (probably her mom).