How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

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My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you like that blog post title? That’s my clever ploy to get the traffic from all the people googling the lyrics to that song. Sorry, you won’t find them here! But please, read on despite my trickery.

To the real information: I think one of the most depressing things in life besides like, dying, is the time spent celebrating holidays right after you grow up but before you have little kids. During this time, the magic is all gone from the holiday until you have kids of your own and can experience the holiday through their eyes (but no pressure to have kids and stuff. This is not a blog that feeds into social conventions, no sir. Live your life, okay?)

Sure, there’s some new, fun things about the holidays when you’re young and fabulous- sparkly red dresses and the excuse to get tanked like, every day between Thanksgiving up until New Years, but I don’t think it matches the happiness of being a kid and getting presents from your gift list.

When I was a kid I remember getting so pumped when the new JCPenny toy catalogue would come in the mail, and I’d chill out in the bathroom for like, an hour and read it. Getting a ton of frivilous presents was expected. It was okay for me to make lists, actual lists of things I didn’t need. Last year I think I got some Crest Whitestrips… like, I asked for them, but still how depressing that this is what my life has come to?

Anyway, this year I’m going to make a list with no real expectation of getting anything, but I figure it’s like a little vision board? I’m attracting presents into my life! Here’s some things I want (it is important to note that I will accept these gifts from anyone, hint hint Northern New Hampshire Male Correctional Facility 😉 ).


{Hunter Rain Boots, $125. I feel like these are an investment- I had to throw out my cheapish J.Crew ones because they started to leak. Ya know, rain boots have ONE job to do. Not to look cute, just to keep water out and it’s crazy how few of them actually accomplish that.}

{Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, $39.99. It’s kind of expensive for hair product, but I read in Allure once that Mary Kate and/or Ashley used this at a shoot and told the stylist they were “stealing it,” so I’m all in.}

{Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook $20 on Amazon. Momofuku is a trendy-pants bakery in NYC where they sell things like cereal milk ice cream or something and chocolate chip cookies with pretzels in them. This book teaches you how to make all that and more, including something called ‘crack pie,’ so I need to know what that’s all about.}

{Fancy Coat. This one is from Piperlime.com for $109. I need this mostly because I bought this fabulous/ridiculous faux fur hat that I can’t wear with a North Face. Also, apparently huge parkas aren’t appropriate to wear for every single occasion, like weddings, funerals or clubs.}

{Limited Edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows Gift Set, $64. I will also happily take any of the cheaper gift sets, this one just comes with a portable speaker… which I’m not sure that I need or can use (I don’t have an iPod, and my iPhone speakers are nice and loud) but I want it anyway!!!}

This is just a working list, of course. I probably want more stuff.

Obsessed With: Urban Decay Setting Spray

All my life I’ve dealt with having a very oily face (LITERALLY, my whole life. Child birth was super easy for my mom- I just slipped right out 3 weeks early… )

(…sorry that was disgusting and not true).

But really, I do have some oily skin. I’m wiping my face down whenever I get the chance. I laugh at those little 2 by 3 inch oil blotting sheets. If I ask you for one, don’t give it to me because then I’ll ask for 3 more to finish the job. Every trip to a public bathroom I steal one of those sanitary toilet seat cover papers and blot to my heart’s content. One of the cutest things about me is  whenever I’m at a restaurant, I like to use the little papers straws come in to mop up my face (boys, may I direct you to the top of this window where it says “Contact.” You can direct all love letters to the email address listed there).

All this blotting is really just a Band Aid for a bigger problem, and I finally found something that seems to cure it, at least for the day. Urban Decay’s Setting Spray collection includes a “De Slick” that I tried recently, and I really recommend it. It goes on and absorbs quickly, I didn’t get oily all day, and my make-up stayed in place for hours. I’ve also tried the regular setting spray, which kept me less oily and kept my make-up in place also. I don’t need to try the moisturizing spray because I can just apply olive oil directly to my face to get the same effect.

Each 4 oz bottle is $29 at Sephora or Ulta.