The 5 People Who Work At Your Office

Since “The 5 Guys Every Lady is Entitled to Date” post was so popular, I thought I would explore another 5 types of people. Let’s have a quick study in anthropology and fun, shall we?

Now that I have been in the workforce for a month and have seen both The Office and Office Space, I’m pretty much an expert in all things office-related… but, probably don’t ask me how to fax anything ’cause I’m not really sure. One thing I do know (and it’s not how to do my job) is the kind of people who work in your average office:

1. Confused Temp: She’s only here for the month, so why would she learn how to do anything? She’s always calling you asking questions you’ve answered before, but at least tries sounding apologetic about it. She only pretends to write down your phone messages if they don’t sound that important and she doesn’t feel guilty about it. Actually she feels pretty fine about it. She also plans on showing up functionally intoxicated on her last day. She is mostly just me. Please don’t tell my temp agency.

How to deal with her: Just wait it out until she leaves, and cut her a little slack. She’s (pretending) to do the best she can!

2. Days of the Week Guy: This person is fixated on the days of the week as if they haven’t existed and in the exact same order for hundreds of years (actually, to be fair, it could be 100 years, could be 1,000. The validity of my argument remains the same). This person either announces each day with different inflections (“Mondayyyy” as if to say “bummer city”) or tries to have a conversation with you consisting of only one sentence fragment about Tuesday (“Tuesday! Amiright?”). If this person asks you if you have a “case of the Mondays,” you are legally permitted to kill them the following business day.
See Also: Guy who asks you if “you’re having fun yet?” No, a**hole, I’m not. I’m a temp, don’t you dare patronize me!

How to deal with him: As annoying as he may be, your interactions can be relatively short if you just repeat back the day of the week with matching inflection. Example: “Monday, man!” to which you reply, “I know! Monday!” It will be over quickly.

3. Bad Attituder- This person should not be confused with Bitter Becky or Bobby (see below). Though she has the worst attitude about working you’ve ever seen, she’s your favorite person in the office because she freely exclaims how this business is being run into the ground by idiots while your boss is in ear shot. She could go on and on about how ridiculous it is that Matt is being promoted just for being here the longest, but she’ll also rail on management for unfairly making Susan do all of her slow coworkers assignments. Her salty language is refreshing.

How to deal with her: She’s a Ferrari, just let her run.

4. Good Attituder: He means well, he really does. Like his name suggests, G.A. is always positive and upbeat. He won’t engage in complaining, even when his computer crashes and he loses a document he’s been working on for hours. For that, all you’ll get out of him is a a euphemism for a real swear, like ‘darn,’ or the more embarrassing ‘sugar, honey, iced tea.’ If this person is your boss, it’s better than having Bitter Becky, but it is still none the less annoying… Like, don’t ask me if I have ‘time’ to put some orders into the computer. We both know you’re not paying me to be on Facebook, so yeah, I have time. Don’t be polite, just tell me to do it! Stop patronizing me!

How to deal with her: You’re just going to have to get over this one. It’s hard to look credible when you’re complaining that someone’s too nice to you. Take it up with Bad Attituder if you need to. She might think you’re kind of jerk, too, though.

I couldn't think of a character on an office type show, but basically the type is like this Dance Moms lady.

5. Bitter Becky/Bobby- B.B.B has pretty much given up on life and he wants you to know it. This person pretty much exemplifies the expression “rode hard and put away wet” which is just a less mean way of saying they look like maybe they’re on meth (I know you have health insurance, get your teeth cleaned!). This person is by far the worst person to work with. They have the attitude of Bad Attituder, but the difference is they want you to suffer. They jump on you in any way they can and they treat the temp like an idiot. The temp has a college degree! Leave the temp alone!

How to deal with him: This is a tough one. You can’t let him run over on you, but you will never be able to match him because you won’t hate your life that much for at least another 10-15 years. He has nothing to lose and is waiting for death. The best thing is to choose your battles, stick up for yourself when necessary, and hide in the handicapped bathroom when you hear him coming.

Other types of people who might work in your office:

Always Seems to be Hungover Lady

Guy You’re Extra Nice to Because if Anyone Shoots Up the Place it’ll Totally be Him.

Guy Who Looks Like Tim Curry in Muppet Treasure Island (wait, is that just where I work?)

5 Favorites Friday

1. The Office– I had stopped watching The Office after last season. I’m not sure why because I sincerely enjoyed Michael Scott’s last few episodes, but I think enough people were telling me they were sick of The Office, so I thought “ya, that sounds right” and I stopped watching it. I’ve done the same thing with curry and olives. I’ve heard my parents say often that they don’t like curry or olives, and since it wasn’t that important I just decided not to form my own opinion on it and take on their’s. Turns out, I don’t mind curry but hate olives as much as I told myself I did. Back to the show. So, out of sheer boredom I watched the whole season thus far on On Demand while I pretended to peddle on my stationary bike. Wouldn’t you know, I’m really enjoying Andy as the new boss.

2. Surprise cupcakes– While at work today someone came in with cupcakes for an employee. They were from Queen City Cupcakes, which was a place I had wanted to try, and the lady just offered me an oatmeal cookie cupcake for no reason! How unexpected! I actually made cupcakes to bring to a friend’s house tonight, so now it looks like I have no choice but to eat multiple cupcakes today. I feel like this always happens. Whenever I know I’m going to have a cupcake on a particular day for whatever occasion, a surprise cupcake always presents itself that I can’t turn down. When it rains it pours cupcakes. It’s like how people say that when you have a significant other all of a sudden you start getting all these offers from other suitors. Look, I’m not going to pretend like I know if that’s true or not. I don’t know men, I just know baked goods.

3. Gummy Prenatal Vitamin– I guess it’s a sign of the times that companies have to start making their vitamins into candy if they want anyone to take them. Ya know what though, I never miss a day with my gummy prenatal vitamins. I can’t remember the last time I took a multi-vitamin, but my totally unnecessary prenatal vitamins never go undigested. Gummy aside, this is the first time I’ve ever taken prenatal vitamins, and I can’t recommend them enough. After a couple weeks of taking it, my skin is looking like I have the glow of an expectant mother without the buzz kill of a fetus growing inside your stomach like some sci-fi movie. I think my hair is definitely softer, too.

4. Miss Representation– This documentary that was shown on OWN is a must-see. It’s all about how women are misrepresented in the media- in terms of being objectified or stereotyped, and also how men are being conditioned to think that objectifying women is normal (and stuff). It’s kind of depressing because I kind of came away from it thinking that nothing will ever change unless we all become completely genderless (which would mean no mascara, and I can’t! I won’t). Also, now I’m completely paranoid that I am objectifying myself all the time. I feel like I should start dressing like a sister wife in Utah or something. As scary as Miss Representation is, it’s also really inspiring and eye opening.

5. Salem– Tonight I’m taking a little drive to Salem, Mass to visit my friend from college. We’re going to dress up and go out, which makes me equal parts excited and petrified. I’ve never been to Salem on Halloween weekend, but I hear it is nuts. Don’t get me wrong, Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none, but the convention of wearing masks during a day that celebrates fear is probably the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard of. I mean, I’ve been in New York City and Las Vegas in the early hours of the morning, and I’m probably just as likely to get murdered there as I am on Halloween in Salem, but being in a crowd of people dressed as zombie Casey Anthonys and Jigsaws probably just brings a level of disorientation that only makes it seem like you’re in some immediate danger.

Bossypants Is My Twilight

This tweet from Mindy Kaling (of ‘The Office’) sums up my manic excitement for Tina Fey’s book, Bossypants, which just came out last Tuesday.

I didn’t actually read the whole thing in one night. That’s like making a bagel and cream cheese sandwich and eating both halves at once. I read the book over the course of 4 or 5 days, and when I got to the last chapter I was just as sad as I get when I know that soon I’ll be finished my bagel.

I’m not going to bother reviewing this book. Obviously, it was the best book ever written.

So since Bossypants is my new Twilight, this book will be my new Harry Potter:

Mindy Kaling’s book of essays comes out November 1st, 2011. And I promise you it will be better than everything ever written by Chelsea Handler.