My Tinder Criteria

You people know about the dating app Tinder by now, right? Well, in case you just got out of a year long relationship yesterday and previously had no need to troll the internet for a butt you could bounce change off of or abs you could wash your delicates on, I’ll explain how it works.

It’s very simple- you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or “like” you. If you’re noped, it goes to the next person, if you’re liked and you like them back, it’s a match, and you can chat. Basically, you just judge people on whether you think they’re hot enough to potentially date. There’s also the option to see if you have mutual friends or Facebook interests and to write a small profile, but really it’s just about looks because the novelty of two people listing Friday Night Lights as their favorite show wears off quickly.


I don’t plan on messaging or meeting anyone because it all sounds to me like a death trap. A free app where you don’t even post your full name and people only pick you based on your looks just sounds like a place where really kinky serial killers go to find red heads with blue eyes so they can torture them (me) for a week then put your (my) severed fingers in a deep fryer. Regardless, reducing a human being’s worth to what they look like in 5 pictures and then choosing whether to “next” them or validate them as individuals turns out to be a strangely therapeutic way to pass the time!

I’ve already developed a quick system on how I nope people. My best advice is to have some hard and fast bottom lines on Tinder or any online dating site because you don’t have time to meet every stranger you come across. Have some personal deal breakers set up before you even get started so you can breeze through those profiles. Here are mine:

Guys wearing fedoras. I like to keep to that standard both online and in life.


Guys in front of a step-and-repeat (I’m only being shown LA guys).


Professional headshots (I’m only being shown LA guys).


Guys in tank tops.


Guys wearing tank tops in their professional headshots.


Anything featuring an instrument. 


This guy just looks like a handful.

Guys taking their own picture in the mirror. 


Pictures with kids in them (are they yours?!).

Except this guy. They look so adorable, and she’s probably his niece.


Nope, definitely this guy. He’s a monster and that little girl is a decoy.


And whatever is happening in this picture. 

pickle Predator!!! Predator!!!

What’s kind of things do you see on Tinder that makes you nope a person? A man taking a picture with two young ladies eating a phallic object Lady and the Trap style? I hope so!

Nudie Texts

I think my blog is a pretty good resource for any guy who would like to date me. I mean, just go back in the archives and you’ll find some solid advice on how to win my heart. If there are any stalkers out there, I would suggest that you print out my posts, make a binder, and study that like it’s finals week. One day, you can pretend to bump into me at Barnes and Noble, know exactly how to impress me and win my heart, then just when I let my guard down you can skin me alive and wear my face as a jaunty little hat.

With that said, I have another piece of helpful advice to add:

Don’t ever ask me to send you a nudie text. I won’t do it. And then I’ll think you are a predator.

The reason for this– and this is not to slut shame anyone, because you know I’m all about feminism and doing you– but I want to be B-list famous, and don’t you forget it. If I have some nudie picture floating around in some guy’s SIM card, I would think and obsess about it every day. I would probably marry this guy just for a solid confirmation he wouldn’t sell it to TMZ when I hit it medium.

A picture of me on Perez Hilton would be my nightmare because:

1. I’m not an orphan.

2. Tina Fey would be so disappointed in me.

Is this insight into my psyche and how my thought process works kind of terrifying? Or, like, charming? In the sense that I think this far ahead into a hypothetical future where Tina Fey takes me on as her mentee because she wants a red headed protege that finally makes her proud… Ughhh, I think I answered my question. That I’m adorable.