Caitlin Linney: Home

Happy Friday, one and all. Here’s a little treat for you as I get ready to run out the door to my generic brand Ballet Barre workout class, Pop Physique:

My friend from college is an amazingly talented country singer/songwriter, and she just released the music video for her song, “Home.” If you like the songwriting of Taylor Swift, but you don’t like the sound of a burlap sack full of cats sinking into the Hudson River, then you will love Caitlin Linney. Seriously, watch the video or find her on Spotify. She’s the next big thing, and I won’t say that for just any friend because all of my friends aren’t talented, and I don’t like to encourage any undeserved confidence. I’m a really good friend.

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Happy International Women’s Day….I GUESS

Hey, when’s International Men’s Day, huh? When do men get to parade around the street in celebration of their storied heritage? Just men, coming together, jingling tube socks full of quarters symbolizing the blood and tears that went into preserving the gender wage gap.

IT’S REVERSE SEXISM IS WHAT IT IS.

Speaking of sexists:

tina-fey-taylor-swift-golden-globes-456

Here are two more misogynists working to reverse all the lady-progress that Taylor Swift has fought so hard for.

{In Bed With Joan Episode 1: Sarah Silverman}

5 Reasons Why Taylor Swift Can’t Find Love

May I take a stab at this one? I have a few ideas:

1. Taylor is sooooo tall. That eliminates an enormous amount of the male celebrity population right there. That only leaves her with guys who are okay with her being taller and guys who are actually taller…So Tom Cruise and Jason Segel. And since Jason is taken by Michelle Williams (but ultimately by me. Just get me to Hollywood and you’ll see!) that leaves her with Tom. I dunno… I think she’d make an okay scientologist. Think about it, Taylor. Jenna Elfman and the guy who played Hyde on That 70’s Show could be the god parents to your future alien children. 

2. She keeps dating these young guys. A high schooler like Conor Kennedy is probably pretty immature and not anywhere near ready to settle into a long term relationship, but this speaks to a much bigger problem for Taylor: that she is a total weirdo. What I’m about to say is sexist, and a very unpopular opinion amongst the men that I tell this to, but I know I’m right: Girls (ages 15 to 28ish) who date a guy more than 2 or 3 years younger than them are weirdos. If you think I’m wrong, then you are either a weirdo girl who dates young guys or you’re a guy who thinks he’s a stud because he dated an older lady once. You don’t have to believe me, but trust, a 28 year old woman is only dating a 23 year old guy who works at Applebees because she can’t find a 28 year old man with a stable job who is willing to date her. She’s probably going to tell you she’s on the pill, and then when she gets pregnant she’ll say that she must be one of those .01% that birth control doesn’t work for. JUS’ SAYIN’. To circle this back to Taylor, I think guys her own age and older are catching on that she’s a total weirdo.

3. She’s scaring guys off with her love songs. Taylor, I know how it is. Being the Taylor Swift of blogging (right? riiiiiiight?) I understand that it’s irresistible to write about guys, but if finding love is very important to you right now, maybe consider writing a Christmas album and let that ride for a while.

4. She falls in love with everyone. This is what 8th graders do! She needs to start writing songs about how she sort of dated a guy for a couple months but then they just kind of phased each other out, but sometimes when she’s in town they make out a little bit. They can’t all be the love of your life, Taylor! Hide your cards a little bit next time. I have a bad feeling that the “love” was all on your end in these past relationships. I’m pretty sure John Mayer is a sociopath and unable to feel love, so I think that proves my point. UGH, and get rid of that house you just bought next to Conor’s. SO WEIRD, TAYLOR.

5. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO! Good lord, US Weekly, give her a break- she has so much left to do. She hasn’t even taken a year off from working and bought her way into Harvard yet.

I’m Every Woman

I’ve always heard from other writers that you have to go out and have life experiences so you have something to write about. Well, since the inception of this blog, I’ve been— I don’t want to call myself a hermit per se, but maybe living the life of someone just a touch agoraphobic. I’m definitely not agoraphobic, but there have been days when the only thing separating me from Howard Hughes was a pair of yoga pants (and not storing my pee in jars). Hence, why I have been posting a lot about eyebrow pencils and Bravo-lebrities.

Today all that changes! I have life experiences and lessons learned that I can write about in a pithy yet heartfelt manner!

It’s about a guy, so brace yourself, it’s about to get all Taylor Swift-y up in here (I bet you thought I was going to say Carrie Bradshaw… Well, I wasn’t. I don’t always have to make a Carrie reference… But if you want to call me Carrie then do what you need to do. Okay, fine. I’m just like Carrie Bradshaw. Now drop it. Drop it).

So I was dating this guy–we’ll call him Jim. I mean, that could be his name. You assume it’s not because I said ‘we’ll call him,’ but who can say? His name may or may not be Jim. (It’s not Jim). Anyway, we were talking for a week, dating for about 3, so all told the interaction was just under a month. Now, I’ll just preface this by saying that we were not dating for a long time, and I have a heart of stone/am not a crazy person, so I’m not terribly distraught over him, but definitely unhappy with the situation and how it made me question the humanity of all people. Or something.

So you can put someone’s face with the name in your head.

So without getting too into it, Jim came on very strong from the beginning until the end. There was no way I could have misread anything he said unless “I’d like to position this […] to become a relationship” is a sentence completely made up of auto-antonyms (Facebook, April 16). **Is that how you cite a Facebook message according to MLA style?**

There was no game playing, and I had no reason to question his feelings (I mean, I’m a red headed Jewess with a whimsical blog, what’s there to question?), except for a couple red flags, namely, that he kept bringing up his ex-girlfriend. I mean, he was like, calling her the C-word and stuff, but still. Now, I’m exceptional at 3 things (+ a million more things) which are: Figuring out what celebrity a person looks like, 90’s pop culture trivia, and spotting and interpreting red flags. I saw the flags, yet I ignored them. The stakes weren’t high so I went with the flow.

Things kept chugging along until one day he offered to make me dinner. It was a lovely, romantical night (except for a minor tiff about him bringing up his ex again), but then I didn’t really hear from him for two days. I got a text from him saying that while he was at work the day after dinner, he suddenly felt “overwhelmed” with how fast things were going, and how “his heart wasn’t ready for anything serious,” which made me cringe because I hate when anyone refers to their heart like it’s anything but a vital organ (ie. ‘my heart needs mending,’ ‘my heart is fragile,’ etc.).

Besides the unfortunate phrasing, it was a little upsetting, and I felt pretty duped because I wasn’t driving this bus to ‘Serious’ Town –he was– and it’s kind of bewildering and scary that someone can change their mind about you in one moment.

And he had a hot tub… I think I’ll miss the hot tub the most.

Then, next thing I know, he’s back with his ex-girlfriend (which apparently was separate and unrelated to him pumping the brakes with me two weeks before). Just to give you a frame of reference, they have broken up 5 times in 3 years, so clearly theirs is a healthy and loving union. At first, I didn’t get why he would want her (with whom he has major trouble making it work) over me (who is awesome). But, I thought about it, and it actually makes the situation a lot easier to digest, and it made me realize a couple things.

For one, never ignore your gut instinct. If you do, something like this could happen to you or you could end up murdered by a Craigslist Killer, bloated and decomposing in a lake (I saw it on Oprah). To be honest, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently, but it did prove that I shouldn’t second guess myself because I’m right about everything, always.

Another thing I realized is that I shouldn’t take this personally because I don’t think it was about me at all. I’m the center of my own universe, so at first it was like, why did this happen to me, and I didn’t do anything to deserve this. But really, this was about the two of them, and I’m just a footnote in their Sid and Nancy love story. People come into your life for a time, wreck shop, and then go about their business. It’s not about you, it’s about them dealing with whatever mess they have going on in their own life. Everyone is the center of their own universe and serving their own interests. People are disappointing. It sounds cynical, but either way, people are going to let you down sometimes, and it’s important to know it’s usually not about you. And I guess it’s important to realize that so next time when you’re doing you (and you should always do you), you remember who might be affected in the process and then be a little more careful.

So there you have it. Please excuse me while I have a Bridget Jones, ‘I’m Every Woman’ montage.

CHAKA KHAN!