Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a Garbage Person!

On May 2, Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao go head to head in what is poised to be the fight of the decade. It’s sure to be an exciting and inspiring night that celebrates hard work, the human spirit, and the tacit agreement between advertisers and fans that money and sports take higher priority than the safety of women and children!!!!!!

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a currently undefeated, five division world champion boxer having won 10 world titles. All of those words mean that he is really exceptionally good at beating up other people in his weight class. You know who probably weren’t in his weight class? All of his wives he abused!

Mayweather has been accused of 7 instances of physical assault against 5 different women, and in 2012 he was convicted for beating his then and current ex-wife because he suspected her of dating an NBA player. He came into her house and attacked her until their 10 year old child escaped the house and called the police. His ex-wife later said that had it not been for the police, she believes she would have been killed.

The statement of the events of that night from Mayweather's 10 year old son

The statement of the events of that night from Mayweather’s 10 year old son

His punishment? 2 months in jail and an estimated net worth of 300 million dollars! Tough!

Now, what can you do?

Simple! Boycott the fight!

But, what if you can’t boycott the fight? Like if an armed intruder ties you to a chair and holds your eyelids open in front a TV. We’ve all been there. My advice is to root for Manny. He’s never been accused of domestic violence and searching “Manny Pacquaio good guy” returns some pre-tty convincing search results. In fact, in one article his trainer Freddie Roach says Manny is quote, “really against domestic violence.” 

So now that you know that Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a serial abuser of women and all around poop bucket, I hope you realize that someone like him doesn’t deserve to keep on enjoying the fame our society has afforded him. And if you disagree, pick up the phone, call who ever raised you and ask where the beep boop did they go wrong?

Until next time……………

OH, ALSO! Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist, BYEEEEE.

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Unpopular Opinions

I can’t stand the Olympics. It takes away my regularly scheduled television programs for two whole weeks and then no one will let me watch Bravo because the Olympics only come once every 4 years and the Housewives are replayed twice a day.

I thought Whiplash was FINE. Not like, “what a fine film,” but like, “UGH, it was FINE.” I won’t regale you with my thoughts on how there were only maybe 3 female extras in the entire music school just about. Regardless of that, I hate films that involve too much drumming, or wild drumming. Or any movie where people get yelled at to practice instruments except for Mr. Holland’s Opus because trust that I will watch it every time it’s on TV.

I think polygamy is a cool and acceptable life choice as long as everyone is of age and like those Sister Wives people. I wish those sister wives could all marry each other because I think that idiot husband-child is just a major handicap and his hair looks over processed. The second half of this unpopular opinion is probably a VERY popular opinion amongst viewers of the show.

Ross was the comedic glue that held Friends together.

I never lost any sleep over that missing Malaysian plane or what’s up with the Bermuda Triangle or Amelia Earhart. I just don’t care about things that disappear out of nowhere unless it’s a coed on a spring break trip to Mexico. Serial Killers > Plane drama any day.

It’s all out there now. Love me or leave me.

Slap Her: NFL Players’ Reaction (PARODY)

Here’s my newest video that I created with my favorite visionary filmmaker and hot toddy boyfriend Nate Larkin-Connolly.

Every person I tell about this video seems worried for my safety, so if I disappear go to the NFL’s house and check on their alibi.

Manti Te’o: Just a Kid Who Never Saw “Cruel Intentions”?

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Like many others who have heard about Notre Dame football player, Manti Te’o and his fake dead girlfriend, I’m struggling with whether or not I believe that Manti was tricked or in on the whole charahhhd. This kid is either the saddest little Mormon since Julie from Real World: New Orleans or a sociopath. Though, there is a third option that I’m not sure anyone else has thought of:

In this scenario, he’s still pathetic, but instead of falling in love with a girl on twitter, he makes up a girlfriend so he has an excuse as to why he can’t date rape freshmen with the rest of his teammates on Friday nights. Eventually, the other boys get suspicious.

“Manti, why doesn’t Lennay ever come visit you? Is she coming to the big game today?”

“Uh… she can’t…”

“Again?! I’m starting to think that you don’t really have a girlfriend.”

“No, I have a girlfriend! She just can’t come because she’s… dead.”

“She’s dead? Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Well… she only died like… 12 hours ago…”

“Wait, didn’t your grandmother die yesterday, too?”

“It’s been a real humdinger of a week.”

“I’m so sorry, man. How did Lennay die?” Manti looks around nervously and catches a glimpse of fellow teammate, Luke, at his locker.

“Luke….kemia.”

END SCENE

If this was the case, I almost feel some sympathy for the guy. He probably never thought it would go this far, and people probably lie about having significant others all the time. Do you remember Boyfriend in a Box?

bfbox

They used to sell them at Claire’s back when that store was a 90’s Spice Girl fantasia full of hair mascara and magnetic earrings. They were these little kits filled with wallet sized pictures of a cute boy, a couple notes from him, and a little backstory. Apparently, they sold pretty well, but some pictures and a note isn’t enough to keep a lie like that going. And your “girlfriend” having a Twitter account doesn’t prove she’s real either.

Regardless of whether this guy was in on the hoax or not, the real idiots here are the journalists.

Did this story not sound at all strange to any of them? A young 22 year-old is dying, and she tells the love of her life not to attend her funeral? Right there, someone should have realized that something was off. I don’t know any young woman that would tell her boyfriend to play football instead of attending her funeral. That’s something your dying, selfless mother tells you to do. Any self-respecting woman wants her boyfriend at that funeral, front and center, eulogizing to all your family, friends, and acquaintances that he may never love again. That is the fantasy. It does not take Veronica Mars to figure that one out.

manti-teo-girlfriend-screenshot-1

And yet, as careless as those journalists were, there is no one as stupid as the Notre Dame football coaches. Stupid, might not be right. What’s the word for awful, a-moral, good ole’ boys who put football before the safety of young women? It’s the antonym of “Coach Taylor”. Idk, lemme know if you think of it. I’ll just call them jerks for now.

Those jerks are standing behind Manti (fine), but what chaps my ass is that they are calling him a “victim”.

A victim of whom? His parents for never letting him watch Cruel Intentions? Obviously, they didn’t teach him that not everyone is a Mormon, Sleepy Time tea drinker who wouldn’t think to lie and manipulate another one of God’s creatures just for fun. Or perhaps he’s the victim of a negligent teenage babysitter that let him roll off the couch as an infant because only a severe childhood head trauma could explain this level of naïveté. This kid is just stupid or maybe a liar.

If you want to talk about a real victim, Lizzy Seeberg was an actual living girl who is now dead. 

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When she was allegedly sexually assaulted by a Notre Dame football player, nobody called her a victim or even investigated her claim until 15 days after she made the report or 5 days after she killed herself. Another young woman was attacked by a Notre Dame football player but never reported it because some players harassed her until she was too afraid to come forward. When you think about what his teammates have probably done, Manti doesn’t seem so bad, after all. So he probably pretended to have a girlfriend.  Who hasn’t lied at a family party that you’re “seeing someone special” when in reality you went on one blind date 6 weeks ago and haven’t heard from them since?

Baby’s First College Football Game

If you can believe it, I’ve never actually been to a college football game. I graduated from an arts and communications college where one of our biggest sports is Quidditch, (if that puts anything into perspective for you) and instead of having a football team, we have a witty t-shirt with an inside joke about how we really, seriously don’t have a football team (this should also be giving you a better frame of reference of where I graduated). Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia wore it in an episode, and I promise you that was a prouder moment for our school than winning any football game would have been. Apparently, “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” means nothing to those hipsters.

“Emerson Football: Undefeated Since 1888”

Okay, that was pretty cool…

Though I graduated from Emerson, I spent a semester at James Madison University in Virginia and they had a football team (and a Sbarro!) but I was too busy crying in my loft bed to ever go to a game, which I kind of regret, but I didn’t get into Friday Night Lights until after I transferred, so I had no idea that just across campus I had the perfect backdrop for my coming-of-age story. (Luckily, I spent a summer in San Antonio and I got to live out my FNL fantasies… Texas Fur-ever!).

Since I missed out on football for my whole college career, I was excited when my friend, Michelle (longtime readers have probably seen her pretty face on this blog before) invited me to tailgate at her boyfriend’s football game at Tufts University.

What a wonderful autumn activity! I broke out my horse sweater from the H&M children’s department (don’t get me started on my love for the discounts you can find in the husky kid’s aisle), my American Apparel winter leggings, an army jacket and over-the-knee boots, and prepared for some brisk, outdoor day drinking with college kids.

It actually was like, 80 degrees, and I was just sweating through my cotton/poly blend, and apparently Tufts kids aren’t that into sports because the only people tailgating were the players parents, which is fine, because the only thing I like more than preying on 21 year old boys is drinking with parents. I’m a big fan of getting a casual buzz on with the 40-60 year old crowd, and I say that without a hint of irony.

 {Pumpkin cocktail… made of pumpkin and probably heavy whipping cream or something.}

It turns out that a game at Tufts is pretty similar to what I imagine it would be like if Emerson College had a football team:

A hipster pep band director wearing what I assume is a vintage, wool marching band jacket that you KNOW no one is making him wear. In 80 degree weather.

Pep band kid eating some breakfast at 1:30. I swear this kid had a fully operational Dunkin’ Donuts under his bleacher seat. He just kept pulling food and beverages out every 45 minutes.

I will say, cheerleader on her cellphone while she’s on the field never would have happened at Emerson. We did have a cheerleading squad, and the Cheerios would have NEVER been so unprofessional. When an Emerson kid is on, they. ARE. ON.

Michelle and I with Jumbo. Tufts lost, but it was all worth it because I was allowed to play with pom poms for a full 3 hours.

My Olympic Recap

Opening Ceremonies

It’s on my DVR. I’ll get to it eventually.

Women’s Beach Volleyball 

Why is it that some of the women wear bathing suit bottoms for this event? On the one hand, I’m sure it’s a lot cooler than an athletic capri, but yet they’re rolling around on an artificial beach, and waterproof fabric is not a steel trap that can successfully protect your lady dungeon from dirty sand. I just feel like maybe a modest boyshort would be a practical compromise.

Women’s Gymnastics

Why do female gymnasts always have such thin eyebrows? Is it for aerodynamic purposes? I do not know how aerodynamics works nor how to correctly use the word in a sentence… I just know it has something to do with Olympians’ body hair.

Bravo

One gripe I have with Bravo, is between their excellent line up of Pregnant in Heals marathons, they play these really random movies that don’t seem like they would appeal to their particularly…. effeminate… audience. I mean, Se7en is a fine movie and all, but I just feel like The First Wives Club would make a more seamless transition to the Real Housewives than Gywneth Paltrow’s head in a box. That said, I feel like it makes just as little sense that Bravo airs Olympic tennis. Like, just hours and hours of tennis when Tabatha’s Takeover is supposed to be pumping out some small business power-lesbian realness. I know that a lot of people who watch Bravo also watch the Olympics, but of the people who don’t watch the Olympics… I’m guessing we all watch Bravo.

Ryan Lochte

 Omg, you guys! Stop encouraging him!!!

 

These are the only 5 things on my Olympic radar.*

*Except I heard that Liam Gallagher might sing ‘Wonderwall’ for the closing ceremonies, in which case these two weeks will all be worth it.

Summer Bucket List: Red Sox Game

I completed the first thing off my Summer Bucket List, which was to go to a Red Sox game. I actually did this before I wrote the post, which is a lot like putting something on a to do list after you’ve done it just to cross something off, but I’ll take my productivity where ever I can get it.

This is me eating a hot dog:

{photo by Riley, @rileywaff on instagram}

 

I went to the game with some friends from college, and I don’t know if I’ve paid less attention to anything in my life- it’s up there with when I’d fall asleep in class and I’d look at my notes later and it just said orange 7 or 8 times diagonally across the page.

I was just there for a hot dog, an $8 Coors Light, and some Facebook pictures.

Kelley, Caroline, Riley, Me, Michelle…. that’s my “I haven’t fit into these jeans since 2008” face…. Just kidding, I wasn’t ready for this picture. But that is true about the jeans.

Old Navy Compression Pants

I’m not so sure what exactly happened, but in the past 6 months I’ve been circulating a total of 3-4 outfits, which mainly consist of some type of yoga pant or capri and some kind of off the shoulder sweatshirt. I was going to say that sounds worse than it is, but when I think about it, it’s exactly as bad as it sounds. A constant rotation of off the shoulder sweatshirts. I’m in a much darker place than I realized.

There are no signs of stopping, either. When I first graduated college and was completely unemployed, the only real reason I had to leave the house was to buy more Lean Pockets or go to the gym. Both of those things can be done in yoga pants. Now I have a long term temp job I work at full time. I knew things were casual at my new place of bidniss, but I thought I would at least have to put together some cute outfits. Then I actually got there and saw my new coworkers. It’s an understatement to say that things are laid back there. Two days ago I sat at the front desk with a baby bulldog on my lap for two hours. There are no less than two dogs in the building at all times. We have pajama day. But if it’s not pajama day and you feel moved to wear pajamas, that’s ok, too. I have literally no incentive to wear anything other than yoga pants and an off the shoulder sweatshirt.

One day, I hope to be a comedy writer/performer. People in this profession are not known for their fashion sense or drive to wear shoes other than Converse. Just youtube some early late night interview clips of Amy Poehler while she was just starting out on SNL. You will see what I mean.

In the foreseeable future, I don’t expect that I will need to wear real pants, so I’m just going to give in to this and stock up on some knock-off Lululemons. I found some nice Lulu look alikes at Target a little while back, and now Old Navy has some stuff, too.

Old Navy, $15-$35

These new compression pants at Old Navy are great. I would say they work as a nice bra for your butt because they are so tight, but not tight in a tragic, camel toe kind of way (as long as you get the right size). Apparently, compression pants are supposed to help with soreness or something, but I can’t really tell if that’s true or not. Alls I know is that my booty is lookin’ real fine in these. I can walk by a mirror, do a little spin, and give that booty butt a nod of approval.

Thoughts on Some Women and Sports

If Queen B likes sports, you better start liking sports, too.

I think it’s pretty funny that some women who pretend to like sports or force themselves to like sports like to get credit for it. Like, they either make a big deal out of it on their Facebook status or brag that they watched a game. As if liking sports is difficult and you should be recognized for your efforts, like you’re 7 years old eating sushi- “oh, wow! how unexpected and amusing! This child likes such an unusual and foreign cuisine! I like this kid so much more now that I know it eats raw fish!”

I literally can’t think of any other reason that a woman would pretend to like sports besides trying to impress a guy, but I just want to settle one thing. Ladies, I’m talking to you right now. Guys can see through it when you are trying too hard to convey that you like sports. Don’t be insincere and don’t look for recognition that you turned on a game for 10 minutes, flipped back and forth from that and Teen Mom for 20 minutes, then finally just settled in with a rerun of Friends. 

I’m not saying this because I don’t think you should lie to a guy to make him like you. Babies would stop being born if that happened (Just kidding a little). You don’t have to pretend to like sports because if you had a better attitude you would actually like sports.

I think what scares some women away from liking sports is because 1. they are told and influenced since they are little that boys like sports and girls don’t (which is another rant for another day) and 2. because they think to like sports they have to learn all about it.

To actually learn about sports would be like taking on a community college class on the side. Sure, to know about all the players (they keep switching teams and going to jail! How do I keep them straight?!) and stats (numbers!) and….and… ( I don’t know what else happens that you need to know) is tough. But you don’t have to do that! You can name all of Angelina and Brad’s children, you don’t have to take on more. You don’t have to focus on all that stuff to like sports, (a helpful hint is the players actually have their names printed on the back of their jersey so that should help. Only last names, though. Sorry).

I once knew a guy who didn’t know who Meryl Streep was. MERYL STREEP. Now, sure, him not knowing that Meryl Streep is the greatest actress of our time is deplorable and a testament to the failings of the public school system, but he can still enjoy a Meryl Streep movie without recognizing her. Sure, I’m into pop culture and know the ‘stats’ of different actors, but anyone can enjoy a movie without that knowledge, just like sports.

Unless you are a miserable person, you should be able to find something you like about sports. For example, live games. What’s more fun than getting to wear festive jerseys and face paint while you drink beer and eat hot dogs? You don’t even have to know how points are acquired. As long as you know what team you are rooting for, you can gauge how things are going by the cheering or booing crowd.

I think of live games like concerts. I will pretty much go to any concert regardless of whether or not I like the music.

Do I like country music?

No.

Would I like to go to Country Fest?

I’ll answer that question with another question: Can I wear a cowgirl hat? Can I wear cowgirl boots with cut-off shorts? Can I drink beer in the back of someone’s car with a bunch of other people who are also drinking in their trunks or truck beds? If so, follow-up question: why wouldn’t I go?

Now, watching games on TV can be trickier. There’s the knowledge that at any given time just a few channels away there is some sort of housewife actin’ a fool. And if you want to watch that, go ahead. But in the event that you have to watch the game, guess what? You can still easily enjoy this too. How? Doritos and beer. Also, you can try getting into it. No one is making you watch a documentary about Nazi war planes on The History Channel. There’s a ton of other people who enjoy sports, so it can’t be that hard for you to try to like it too.