Stuff Girls Do That I’d Like to See Guys Do

No matter who you are or what you believe in, we can all agree on a couple key issues: 1. The most important thing in life is love. 2. An up-and-comer named Bill Clinton has sufficiently ended our search for the perfect man to play Christian Grey, and 3. Animals dressed like people doing people-y things are sooo funny.

In the same way that dogs playing poker or monkeys wearing make-up is funny to me, sometimes I like to enjoy a giggle over the thought of boys doing girlish things. I don’t mean they’re dressed like girls and it’s not such stereotypically feminine activities like a guy getting his nails done. I heard Tom Brady enjoys a nice mani/pedi from time-to-time,   and he can gently swipe a stray eyelash from cheek with those finely manicured fingers any day (“Make a wish, baby.” “My wish already came true, Tommy. And he’s sitting right here feeding me Triscuits”).

Dem fingernails don’t buff themselves

I’m talking about stuff that isn’t really gender specific at all, but I could never imagine a guy doing by himself or with friends. Like:

  • Eating only steel cut oats and egg whites (or just grapefruit and skim milk. or just meth amphetamine and ice cubes) for a week because they might be seeing someone they’d like to impress or need to fit into a particularly sexy outfit.
  • Getting ready with friends before a night out, singing some Beyonce, sipping on Skinnygirl margaritas and plotting outfits (as in: “you can’t wear that because it’s so and so’s birthday and you can’t outshine her.” Did you boys know that that’s a real sentence we have to say out loud sometimes)?
  • Sitting around doing really scientific and reliable quizzes from a Maxim Mag (what’s that? Men’s Magazines don’t really print quizzes unless they are intrinsically ironic? Then how do you know if you’re Good Boy Hot or Bad Boy Hot)?!

I didn’t know this was pertinent info until Cosmopolitan.com told me it was.  Do you think I’m good girl hot or bad girl hot?

  • Wearing Spanx. Or Yummie Tummies. I don’t get why men aren’t concerned about whether their tummy is yummy. I care if my tummy is yummy. I care if their tummy is yummy. If I have to choose between full fat beer or a girdle so should they!
  • Speaking of Yummie Tummie, I got to thinking about Yummie Tummies and found myself on YummieLife.com, and before I knew it, I had entered this (also something I can’t see a straight man doing):

Guys, I just want to dish with Heatherrrrr!

Now, if you are a man and do any of these things, it is important that you let me know in the comments. Particularly if you entered the Yummie Tummie sweepstakes because we can go in on this together. If I win I’ll take you, and if you win you take me. Deal-skies?

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Assets By Sara Blakely

Ladies! Where my ladies at? Don’t you love a nice pair of Spanx?! Amiright or amiright? (I’m working on my 1980’s lady-stand up. How’m I doing? I think this would work a lot better if you could see how big my shoulder pads are right now).

There’s one lady I know who loves a little Spanx- Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer.

If you noticed when she won her Oscar, the two men on either side of her just kind of hoisted her up while she remained light-as-a-feather-stiff-as-a-board, refusing to bend any joints as she made her ascent to a standing position. Maybe she was injured, but more likely she was Spanxed up to her chin and couldn’t move. God bless her, and God bless tight, non-breathable lycra.

You can get these ankle length or full length.

Spanx came out with some really resilient panty hose, (sold for about $17 at Target) and I don’t know about you, but I love a hearty nylon. Too often I buy a pair of panty hose and they barely last me through a night. These are the first pair that have the stability of a legging, and the sheerness of a panty hose. They haven’t run on me yet.

Another big plus is they are so tight that it becomes nearly impossible to finish a meal. When wearing these, you will feel full in half the time you would if you were wearing normal hose that didn’t push all of your vital organs through your stomach and against your spine.

If you’re looking to combine your illegal black market appetite suppressant expenses with what you pay in control top panty hose, then Assets by Sara Blakely (Spanx inventor, FYI) is the deal for you.