Life Hack: Kidnapping

Here’s a quick life hack (I have a very loose grasp on the definition of “life hack”):

Consider giving your roommate or a family member an approved photo of yourself in case of your unfortunate disappearance at the hands of, no doubt, some male deviant. If your emergency contact doesn’t have a photo they can quickly hand over to the press or to the screen printer, then your “Find Samantha” t-shirts will end up with some random Huey, Duey, and Luey kissy-faced picture that was pulled from your personal Instagram account.

Like what if some journalist published this on LAist.com?

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Me as Hipster Ariel on Halloween taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror is not exactly the kind narrative I’d like to have portrayed to the world.

Now this picture:

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Aren’t I sweet? I’m wearing matching jammies with a mom who loves me very much! Don’t you want to find me??? My hair is freshly dyed, my face is looking vuuury thin, this is this is the sort of picture you want to use!

Listen, if you’re fighting for your life in the trunk of an old Honda Civic,wouldn’t you at least like the peace of mind that you have full creative control over your disappearance?

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Wine and Whine Podcast: Shannon Amabile

imageOn today’s episode of Wine and Whine, Kathryn and I talk to my friend Shannon Amabile, hilarious comedian and astrology extraordinaire. Listen to Kathryn and me say things like “OMG, you are SUCH a Leo” for an hour and 13 minutes, with references to Amanda Knox sprinkled in. This is our favorite episode so far and a great time was had by all. Probably because we drank sparkling rose and OJ, then stopped recording to get some 7-11 white zin to keep the party going.

You guys can listen to us on Stitcher now! It’s a cool app you can download and make podcast playlists.

And we’re on iTunes! Do us a favsie and rate/subscribe?

Tweet us at @wineandwhinepod

Follow our guest, @shannonamabile

Follow my co-host Kathryn @KathrynG

Follow me @Daralaine

And email us hate mail at wineandwhinepodcast@gmail.com

Freshly Pressed

Yesterday, one of my blog posts, Am I an Adult? was featured on WordPress.com’s “Freshly Pressed” page. Since it has brought me a bunch of new followers over night, I thought I should reintroduce myself. I know you could just scroll back and read some old posts, but I never give up an opportunity to coerce strangers into following me on Twitter.

So me. Here are the most important bullet points to get you up to speed:

  • I moved to LA from New Hampshire about 9 months ago to become a comedic actress/writer.
  • If I wasn’t a comedian I’d be a Special Victims Unit criminal psychologist, B.D. Wong-style. Screen shot 2011-01-20 at 9.22.44 PM
  • My 3 favorite things are Connie Britton, inter species friendships, and that thing on TV shows where wayward children call their foster parents “Mom” and “Dad” for the first time.
  • If you think Amanda Knox did it then you can let yourself out.
  • Related: “Foxy Knoxy’s The Mandy Project” is the most clever thing I’ve ever come up with.

Alright, I think that covers it.

Next, follow me on everything:

Twitter: @daralaine

Instagram: @daralaine

Tumblr: brunchforeverymeal

Facebook: brunchforeverymeal 

Youtube: daralaine

My Podcast: Wine and Whine 

Here’s another post of mine that was Freshly Pressed a little over a year ago, 3 Reasons Why Being Single is (Probably) Better than Dating a Serial Killer. 

Okay, cool. That’s it. Thanks for following!

Milestone: My First Mean Comment

I can’t believe it took me almost two and a half years of posting on this blog, but it finally happened. I got my first insulting comment!

This little gift was left for me on an older post, The Nice Guys of OKCupid!

It was actually in reply to another comment I had replied to, in which a 22 year-old dude told me I was wrong and he was offended…

OH, WAIT! MILESTONE TWO!

My first offended reader!!!!

The comment from the offended reader was just way too long to post here, but the gist of it was, “you’re wrong about your thoughts and feelings and the thoughts and feelings of other women your age, Certified Vagina Owner. As a 22 year-old dude with a lot of life experience, you can just defer to me and my opinions since your brain is made up of a hollow, dark chocolate Easter bunny filled with Midol pills.”

I mean, in his original argument, he was saying that he’s a nice guy but girls don’t like him, and girls only like assholes, which makes me think that he didn’t even really read the post (maybe because he just couldn’t get over the shock that my dad or brother let me use his computer. It’s a miracle my cup of tea didn’t slip through my delicate lady hands and spill all over the keyboard) because I kind of addressed that myth directly. Not eloquently or intelligently, but I did address it.

In my reply to this kid, I kind of just said, “shut up, 22 year old boy,” and referred him to another article that might help clarify my point. Because I’m just trying to open hearts and minds here, people.

Okay, then came the mean comment (from a different guy):

Screen shot 2013-06-26 at 9.34.58 AMFirst of all, thank you for calling my assertions “hilarious,” but what is questionable about Tom Hanks being nice? Scientists have been studying him for years and they came up with that conclusion, not me. Secondly, why do I have to choose between being mentally deficient OR trying to get attention? And I thought that by having a blog it was just implied that I am looking for attention?

Andy, I can see where you got your last name, “Wisdom” (what is that, Greek?). Everyone does have flaws. Like for me, the proportions of my individual body parts are totally out of whack: my hands and wrists are abnormally small, so you’d think that I’d have some really tiny feet, right? Nope! A totally average size 8!

Also, what are these separate flaws that “assholes” and “nice guys” have? Because please, oh, please, remember that the whole point of the post (that I don’t think you read) is that a [QUOTE] Nice Guy [END QUOTE] is really just an asshole in sheep’s clothing, not a genuine and kind man.

And listen, I’m not saying that women don’t date assholes and then write off guys who treat them with respect. There are plenty of woman who do. If that didn’t happen then all the strip clubs across this great nation would be empty and we’d have to turn them all into libraries and soup kitchens. Saying that we ALL date people who treat us badly is just a lazy, sweeping generalization that is patronizing to women.

So, thank you, Andy Wisdom, you made my day because you haven’t really made it until people start insulting you. Hopefully, one day soon I’ll hit it big and have thousands and thousands of followers, and then I can finally start tweeting things like “Good Morning, Haterz! xox #soblessed”

OR

“Can’t see haterz! #raybans #michelobultra #BFFs #livelaughlove #sorrynotsorry #sweetsummer”

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In Defense of the Facebook De-Friend

I have been de-friended by maybe a handful or two of Facebook friends over the years. I’d  imagine this is due mostly to some people’s spring cleaning ritual of dumping friends they don’t know and/or people that are sick of my constant blog promotion (look, I have never made an invitation for people to give me their phone numbers because I don’t have the presence of mind to backup my SIM card. It’s just a few blog links, you don’t have to click on them).

Only once was I defriended because of someone actually being mad at me- over a disagreement regarding cat sitting, no less. I don’t need cat sitting in my life. Good riddance.

To some, I think the de-friend is a huge F-U when used in the symbolic context of eliminating someone from your life with such finality. “Not only do I not want to hang out with you in real life, I’m going to cut you off from being able to check up on my relationship status. You will never know if I liked The Mindy Project enough to “like” it. That is how much I hate you!”

But the crowning, the Ultimate-Grand Supreme, the Honey Boo Boo of all “SUCK  ITS” is being on the receiving end of a Facebook block. I have received that privilege, again, just once, and like 9/11 and the assassination of JFK, I remember just where I was when I found out (for the last two: 7th grade math class and a glimmer in my father’s eye, respectively).

It was this past May (of 2012 for the aliens who have taken over Earth and are reading this 600 years from now), and I had met three of my college gal pals at a bar before a Red Sox game. After discussing which Sex and the City character we each were (as I mature I begin to realize that maybe I am, in fact a Miranda, but I believe my core spirit is truly a Carrie. Though, I do hope that I would be the kind of person who would have accepted Aidan’s love or at the very least, not taken Big back after he left me at the altar) we got to talking about boys.

Now, we were updating one another on former/current flames, and I mentioned that said  former flame had deleted his Facebook. Glances were exchanged, and then my friend Kelley did the deed of explaining, that I had actually, in fact, been blocked.

OH, I’M SORRY WHHHAAAAAT????

The block is so insulting because it feels maybe a little like a restraining order, which are only handed out to stalkers. When it comes to Internet stalking, I am like the lost Olsen triplet, because I can solve any crime by dinner time, as in, I’m a straight up sleuth… but I am no stalker. I imagine I was blocked because I might have blogged about him and maybe made some disparaging comments, but you could hardly call it defamation of character– I didn’t use his name. And even more importantly, I had already defriended him at this point. Sir, you cannot block me after you have been defriended. That’s like saying, “you can’t fire me!! I quit!” This is not the pilot episode of The Nanny!

It was annoying at first, but I have come to believe that a block is a real blessing in disguise. Even a de-friend is a great course of action when it comes to a break-up of lovahs or friends. In the age of Facebook, I have come to know WAY too much about you people.  With ex-friends, no matter how much I dislike them, a little part of me feels left out when I see pictures of them out and about having an especially good time because I always remember the part of them that made me want to be friends in the first place. And I don’t need to know what that old flame is up to. Even though I know I’d never date any of those “hims” again, I still like to take a peek from time-to-time, and there’s no reason to. There’s nothing that roots you in the past more than checking up on what you are or are not missing.

I just think Facebook and Twitter tethers you to the past a little too much than what is healthy. Isn’t it much better to just let someone go and move forward? I was talking with my dad, who isn’t on Facebook, and an ex of his (before my beautiful and saintly mother) came up and in regards to her he said, “who knows what she’s up to, she could be dead by now.”

What a lovely idea. To just not know. They could be dead! Is that just me? It just seems so much more pleasant to put people in the past where they belong. Not checking up to see who they committed to instead of us, or to see if they got fat (which is still satisfying, but probably not right). I’m just saying that maybe it would be healthier if we could be a little more generous in our Facebook de-friends no matter how insulting it is. It’s for the best.

The 5 Red Flags of Facebook

Are you single and looking to jingle (have a date to future Christmas parties)? Well, then you might spend a lot of time on Facebook stalking potential partners. Obviously, the perks of living in a world where no one of your generation has any sense of privacy or personal safety (I know your last name, place of business, and birth date! This sounds like a great start to steal your identity! Foursquare? Awesome, I was thinking about murdering you tonight, and now I know just where to look!) is you never truly have to go on a blind date- you can always check out the goods beforehand.

Facebook might seem like it’s only useful to check out a potential mate’s appearance and favorite movies–and even then, a lot of people tend to put misleading information and pictures on their page to appear to be a better version of themselves. Though you can never be sure if the strangers/people you meet at a bar/distant acquaintances you stalk on Facebook are cool (ie not murderers or lame-o’s) there are some red flags you can look out for. Take it from me, a Facebook stalking/snap judgement expert.

The 5 Red Flags of Facebook (for Stalkers)

1. Nothing is listed for the “Interested In” category

This could mean: they are gay

Remember, this is just a red flag, not a deal breaker…but if they are gay, that’s probably a dealbreaker (I say ‘probably’ because depending on your age, maybe not. If you’re 50 and single, why not capitalize on the companionship and tax benefits that a last minute gay husband or wife might afford)? I’m just saying, that in my experience, many of the gay people I know left that blank while they were in the closet or while they were one foot out of the closet, but not like, out, out.

It might just mean: They’re straight and didn’t care enough to fill that out or didn’t think it was anyone’s business (HOW DARE THEY, THIS IS THE INTERNET,  EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS MY BUSINESS).

Proceed with: caution, but don’t count them out. You might not end up with a romantic date to your holiday office party, but you might end up with a nice fake date (or platonic spouse) so you can at least walk in with someone (like I did at my senior prom).

2. The only book they have listed is The Bible.

This could mean: they are stupid

The Bible is a fine choice for your DEAR time (Drop Everything And Read… anyone?), but only if in addition, you have read other books– of your own volition.. Cather in the Rye doesn’t count, I know they made you read that in high school. To someone without my keen eye, they may read “Bible” as a person’s only book choice and see a God-fearing man or woman, that might just be suitable to bring home to the parents after a lengthy courtship with monitored hand-holding sessions (shout out to TLC’s Virgin Diaries cast members!). I see someone who can’t even think of the last 3 books they read to throw up there like the rest of us do.

It might just mean: Uggggh, sorry, I’ve got nothing. My bets are on stupid.

Proceed with: Nothing. Do not proceed in the first place. I mean, unless you’re just looking for a hot dummy to show off for a while, by all means, go for it. But if you’re looking for any kind of legitimate relationship or DNA for your future child, I would say keep looking for someone who cares enough to at the very least, also list the Motley Crue biography and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Just, come on, anything.

Oh, oh! And P.S. If they list “Passion of the Christ” as a favorite movie, RED FLAG, RED FLAG! For totally different reasons, but still… unless you’re into that stuff, redddd flaggggg.

3. Half-Naked Profile Pictures

This could mean: They are full of themselves

This is a tough one to over look. I know those abs look nice, and you’ve got a hamper full of clothes that need washing (amiright, ladies?), but seriously, watch out: this person knows they look good. I think it is important to go through all of their profile pictures and see how many are shirtless or half-naked. If there’s more than one, this is bad news. People who know they’re really hot or think they’re really hot, are not the kind of people you want to date (for more explanation you can read: Unsolicited Dating Advice from Someone with No Qualifications). A healthy sense of self-esteem is great, but no one likes a narcissist (or more importantly a significant other that thinks they can do better than you).

It might just mean: They have low self-esteem and are over compensating. In which case, snatch them up- a hottie with low self-esteem is the Holy Grail!

Proceed with: no expectations. If you’re gonna go for it, know that a low-stakes relationship where you can show them off to ex’s is your smartest option.

4. They post pictures of themselves doing illegal activities 

This could mean: Oh man, so many things. A special kind of idiot is definitely high on the list, though.

Some red plastic cups (whether you’re underage or not) is one thing. You in neon clothes and daisies in your hair at a Disco Biscuits concert is one thing. You holding a blunt with smoke coming out of your mouth is ANOTHER thing. So, this is a red flag, but also a rant to all you idiots out there who have 100 pictures of you smoking weed on your Facebook. Look, do what you do on your own time, but… do you want a job some day? I saw on the news that there was a teacher who was FIRED because there was a picture of her holding a BEER in GERMANY at OKTOBERFEST. She was of age and experiencing Europe’s effervescent culture! If she got fired for that, then I’m sure your employer would love to see a picture of you with a 10 foot bong in your hand. I see this trend a LOT with young college girls, and I promise, you are going to wish you didn’t post all that stuff when I print it off, wait patiently for about 18-20 years, and then show it to your 15 year-old children. Bottom line: if they don’t have the sense to keep pictures of themselves doing illegal things off Facebook, RED FLAG.

It might just mean: They are misguided.

Proceed with: Restraint. Wait a few years to ask them out until they are GUIDED.

5. Overuse of quotes for their status

This could mean: They are overly emotional… ie… cah-ray-zyyyy. Also: annoying.

The great thing about quotes is that it gives a little insight into your subject’s psyche. If this girls’ wall is covered in The Notebook quotes, RED FLAG. Sure, I practically think in Taylor Swift lyrics, but am I going to put that kind of whiney stuff up on my wall for everyone to see? No. When it comes to girls, if they’re posting a lot of quotes about princess and unicorn love stories that they hope to one day experience, w-w-watch out. Now for guys, and this is just in my own experience, guys who have a lot of philosophical quotes, are usually an artist of some kind and overly emotional (for more information on the crazy artist see: The 5 Men Every Lady is Entitled to Date).

It might just mean: They just really like quotes. No shame in that.

Proceed with: minimal caution. I’m just planting this seed as a potential “I told you so” for later if things don’t pan out with them.

Other Red Flags:

If they have more than 3 pictures of themselves taken in a bathroom mirror.

If they have pictures of themselves on the toilet.

If anything on their Facebook takes place in a bathroom!!!!