#AskHerMore Parody Starring Heather Morris

I swear that I always intend to write a blog post that isn’t just an advertisement for a youtube video I or someone else made, but today just isn’t that day.

I made this little ditty for Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls in time for the Oscar’s, and I’m just showing you now because I’m trying to accomplish something in this day and this is the only thing I can decide on doing. Great.

So have you heard of that #askhermore business? It’s basically just all about asking women on the red carpet more questions than just about their appearance and who they’re dating. If you want my very serious and earnest explanation of the video and the hashtag click the “Amy Poehler” hyperlink in the previous paragraph.

Listen, I don’t care if you ask someone about their dress and their appearance. I really like attractive people and I like them on my movie screens fo’ sho’. But, the reality is it would also be really simple to start asking women about stuff that has to do with their career or any kind of question that would actually require them to use the jello mold living upstairs in that pretty head of theirs. Also, I think as a country, all of our contempt towards the Kardashians has been woefully misplaced, and we should all ask ourselves why we have let Guiliana Rancid (HAS ANYONE MADE THAT CONNECTION YET??? COPYRIGHT! COPYRIGHT! I’M USING IT FOR MY ROLLER DERBY NAME!!!) walk this Earth foot loose and fancy free of ridicule until this week. Finally, finally, this week that woman had to apologize for the damage she is doing to women in this country. (E!) True (Hollywood) Story, one time I drank a bottle of wine by myself and cried while I watched Fashion Police because I was so sad that anyone would participate in a show that was only meant to ridicule women WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES!!!

Anyway, here’s my video, and down with the Patriarchy.

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Superstar!

Great news, I’ve officially begun my transition into Mary Catherine Gallagher. Finally, my outside will match how I’ve felt on the inside since I was born. You can’t really tell from the picture, but the Warby Parker glasses even have the same color fade as hers. I’d also like to say that I’m aware of what a hardcore selfie picture I have just posted. Although my general policy is to only post self portraits when I’ve had a minimum of three glasses of wine accompanied by a new purchase of at least one faux fur article of clothing, I thought accidentally buying Mary Catherine glasses was also an appropriate occasion to post a picture of myself with  my cheek bones looking effortlessly contoured.

I Did a Cockney Accent for Jimmy Fallon

So I called in to Watch What Happens Live to ask Jimmy Fallon a question, but it got bumped to the after show. I’m too embarrassed to watch it, but my parents have. I only got so far as watching it on mute to look at their reactions, and then to hear what they said after I hung up. Jimmy Fallon makes fun of me and it’s both crushing and my finest achievement.

I couldn’t get the video to post directly here, so this is the link if you are so inclined to click.

The 11 Girlfriends You Probably Have

A woman who only has guy friends and claims to “not like” other women, is a woman to be pitied. If you hear a poor lost lamb out in the wild spouting off phrases like “I only hang out with guys because they’re so much nicer than girls!” take her home and wrap her up in a blanket with a hot cup of Oprah Chi. Calmly explain that yes, guys are nicer than girls. People are very, very nice when they are trying to have sex with you. Now put on a USA Network SVU marathon and don’t shut it off until you’re friends.

Once you cross her over to the Land of Lady Empowerment– a place paved with the shards of broken glass ceilings (just pour polyurethane over it. I saw it on Pinterest!)– she will begin to notice that there are all different types of girl friends she can have that will bring something unique and special into her life.

She’s Always Single and Always Attached

Kristen Wiig as… Always Attached

For a friend to qualify for either of these positions, their relationship status must be more than simply checking a box on her Facebook profile. It’s a lifestyle.

The Negative: You are always either consoling or giving out advice about the significant other in question, or constantly having to partake in sympathetic man-bashing. Always Attached hardly goes out with you anymore, while behind Always Single’s bra clasp there is a hidden string you can pull that makes her repeat, “I’M SO MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT” over and over.

The Positive: Someday, when you finally find a lover of your own, Always Attached won’t give you grief when you start cancelling your bi-monthly brunch date to lie pantless in bed with your SO until 2pm because somewhere she is lying bed pantless hoping you’ll cancel. When your relationship finally ends, Always Single will scoop you up, brush you off and push you into the arms of a nameless stranger who you’ll make out with until you decide that your time is better spent at home cry-singing Katy Perry’s “Thinking of You.”

Small Doses and Unhealthy Attachment/Borderline Lover

Penelope is probably a Small Doses friend

“Like, honestly, she is such a great person. She really would do anything for her friends,” you tell your mother. Suddenly, you lean in and lower your voice so Jesus can’t hear. “But, every time I see her she just talks about her boyfriend and doesn’t ask me a single question about what I’m doing. Then she makes us split the check even though I didn’t even want those appetizers and she knows she has way more money than me!”

Your mother nods knowingly and simply says, “Small Doses.”

You and Borderline Lover met 5 months ago, and suddenly you look around and realize you hardly spend time with anyone but her. Someone started throwing around the phrase “best friend” very early on and your courtship was quick and passionate. The two of you are very annoying when you’re together.

The Negative: Small Doses is irritating, but she was probably once your Borderline Lover. Too much time was spent with one another and that summer traveling through Europe together was very ill-advised.

The Positive: When you only spend a little time with Small Doses, you have such a great time together reminiscing, which reminds you why she was ever Borderline Lover in the first place. Then you start spending too much time together and you remember why she became Small Doses.

Crazy vs. Therapist

Maybe Crazy isn’t really crazy– she just loves attention, even though it’s negative, which I guess isn’t too sane either. Therapist loves giving out advice and fancies herself to be very sane. She definitely owns both a book and DVD copy of The Secret. 

The Negative: Therapist might not be great at advice giving, but you have to sit there and listen to her quote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. With Crazy, you have to suffer the embarrassment of being a party to any of her attention seeking behavior, like when she waits to take her birth control until she sits down at the restaurant where she’s meeting your boyfriend for the first time.

The Positive: Maybe you’re lucky and Therapist is actually good at giving advice. If not, I  guess she has some other good quality.

Crazy is fun to go out with and has all the good pills!

Partier vs. Responsible

Drunk Cinderella is a Partier

Partier is always out and her mother land is Vegas. Responsible likes to take care of everyone whether you like it or not.

The Negative: Don’t be surprised when Partier leaves you at the club without warning. Responsible will never leave you at the club, but she might not let you leave the club because there will not be a Natalie Holloway situation on her watch (if you are into leaving clubs with strange men. Not me! MOM, DON’T FREAK OUT).

The Positive: So she left you at the club, but did you have to pay to get in? Exactly. Because Partier always knows the bouncer. Just… always have cab money on you when you’re together. Maybe just bring Responsible with you because she always has cab money and is lucid enough to tell the driver where you live.

Hottie, or Too Much Self-Esteem vs. No Self-Esteem

Rebecca LaRue, Flirting Expert. A Hottie.

Hottie isn’t just hot, she measures her self-esteem in free drinks. It’s fine that she knows she’s hot, but she wants you to know that guys find her hot, too. No Self-Esteem is pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes Hottie is really a secret No Self-Esteem.

The Negative: No Self-Esteem is always complaining about something about herself, and you are constantly giving her pep talks like it’s the last 30 seconds of a high school football game in an after school special.

Hottie might try to work her boobie magic on the guy you like in a bar even if you already telepathically called dibs on him.

The Positive: Just ride Hottie’s coattails, and oh, the places you’ll go.  Remember, the wing-woman gets free drinks too, and you get to hang out with some guy’s wing-man. The wing-man, like the former fat guys, are always nicer and are an untapped gold mine.

There’s no positive for No Self-Esteem. Keep those pep talks coming– it’s not all about YOU.

And Number 11….

The Friend you don’t know why you’re friends with. Seriously, why are you friends with her? She’s awful, just phase her out or something. Right now, you are Britney, and she is TOXIC.

7 Minutes in Heaven w/ Kristen Wiig

I just thought I’d do you a favor and show you these videos. Basically, I’m always just doing you a solid with Funny Friday and enriching your life with comedy. These are the funniest videos I’ve seen in a while!

Sorry this isn’t a longer post, but I gotta go to work and sell body butter to middle aged house wives BUH BYEEEE.

How Very Mary-Kate Of You, Elaine!

Elaine Carroll and her viral webseries, “Very Mary-Kate,” is the new internet obsession of gay men and the women who love them. “VMK” (as it is affectionately referred to by fans) depicts the fictional life and times of Mary-Kate Olsen, with Carroll pulling a Parent Trap by playing both MK and Ashley. In its second season, “VMK” was picked up by CollegeHumor.com as one of their original series, and premieres new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday on College Humor’s site.

Me: How did you first come up with the idea to do a VMK webseries?

Elaine: I had been doing the Olsen Twin impression for about two years. I made a short video called “The Olsen Twin Minute” that featured Mary-Kate and Ashley in a talk show. It was weird and ridiculous and fun, and it got me thinking I want to do more with this. So I just started trying to visualize what life is like for them. They’re rich and famous, but also kind of mysterious and private, which leaves a ton of room for the imagination. I took the few facts I already knew — she has a bodyguard, she went to NYU — and then just started filling in the blanks from there. That’s where “Very Mary-Kate” was born.

Dara (um, that’s me): How has your collaboration with College Humor changed the way you create Season 2 of “VMK”?

Elaine: Working with College Humor changed everything. The first season was produced out of pocket, but with the support of CH, I was able to do awesome things like pay for lunch for people.

Dara: How do you hope to evolve “VMK” in the future?

She's not really an Olsen twin.

Elaine: I want to keep raising the bar. I want to get celebrities, I want to make a music video, etc. My dream of all dreams is to get Mary-Kate herself involved. If you see her, tell her I want to work with her. I’ll buy her lunch!

Dara: Has the success of “VMK” brought you new opportunities?

Elaine: Definitely. It’s opened up a lot of doors. I booked a few great things this past year because of it and I hope it leads to more.

Dara: How was it to have fans dressing up as “VMK” for Halloween this past year?

Elaine: It was wonderful and crazy. Dressing as “VMK” was almost as popular as dressing up as the “Bedroom Intruder” guy.

Dara: What is your process to create episodes for “VMK”? Is it difficult generating new ideas to keep up with two episodes a week?

Elaine: Coming up with ideas for episodes wasn’t the hard part. What’s hard is writing as many jokes as you can.

Dara: In your sketch group, Dutch West, you are the only girl among a bunch of guys. Has that dynamic ever been challenging for you or do you find that you are the Gwen Stefani to Dutch West’s No Doubt? Or is it pretty neutral?

Elaine: I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was a challenge, but I definitely noticed I was the only girl. I mean, I definitely played the typical sketch comedy “girl roles” — the wife, the mom, the girlfriend — and this bothered me slightly, but that was ammunition to get better. The guys were welcoming and encouraging, and became even more encouraging as soon as I started creating more diverse characters for myself.

Dara: Who are some of your comedic influences?

Elaine: Monty Python, Kids in the Hall, “The State,” “SNL,” The Upright Citizens Brigade, and the British sitcoms that came on at weird hours — “Faulty Towers,” “Are You Being Served,” “Keeping Up Appearances.”

Dara: Do you have any advice for young women looking to get into comedy?*

Elaine: When I first started getting into comedy and taking classes, I remember being intimidated by what I affectionately remember as the collective “Star Wars-Ninja Turtles-Boy-Stuff-References” that went over my head. I grew up in suburban Virginia riding horses, dressing up cats in doll clothes, and for the most part being really obedient and prioritizing things like clothes and trying to look pretty, and none of that really lends itself to comedy. At least that’s what I thought. If you have a sense of humor and you’re intelligent and dedicated, there’s room for you, no matter what your frame of reference. The female perspective is interesting and hilarious if it’s honest. Maybe most importantly, don’t wait for other people to write great roles for you. Do it yourself. No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. Case in point: that was a reference to Ace of Base. And it was hilarious and perfect and has nothing to do with Star Wars.

Dara: Future plans?

Elaine: Watch Star Wars.

*This question was for my own selfish benefit.

Elaine Showing Off the Goods