A woman who only has guy friends and claims to “not like” other women, is a woman to be pitied. If you hear a poor lost lamb out in the wild spouting off phrases like “I only hang out with guys because they’re so much nicer than girls!” take her home and wrap her up in a blanket with a hot cup of Oprah Chi. Calmly explain that yes, guys are nicer than girls. People are very, very nice when they are trying to have sex with you. Now put on a USA Network SVU marathon and don’t shut it off until you’re friends.
Once you cross her over to the Land of Lady Empowerment– a place paved with the shards of broken glass ceilings (just pour polyurethane over it. I saw it on Pinterest!)– she will begin to notice that there are all different types of girl friends she can have that will bring something unique and special into her life.
She’s Always Single and Always Attached
Kristen Wiig as… Always Attached
For a friend to qualify for either of these positions, their relationship status must be more than simply checking a box on her Facebook profile. It’s a lifestyle.
The Negative: You are always either consoling or giving out advice about the significant other in question, or constantly having to partake in sympathetic man-bashing. Always Attached hardly goes out with you anymore, while behind Always Single’s bra clasp there is a hidden string you can pull that makes her repeat, “I’M SO MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT” over and over.
The Positive: Someday, when you finally find a lover of your own, Always Attached won’t give you grief when you start cancelling your bi-monthly brunch date to lie pantless in bed with your SO until 2pm because somewhere she is lying bed pantless hoping you’ll cancel. When your relationship finally ends, Always Single will scoop you up, brush you off and push you into the arms of a nameless stranger who you’ll make out with until you decide that your time is better spent at home cry-singing Katy Perry’s “Thinking of You.”
Small Doses and Unhealthy Attachment/Borderline Lover
Penelope is probably a Small Doses friend
“Like, honestly, she is such a great person. She really would do anything for her friends,” you tell your mother. Suddenly, you lean in and lower your voice so Jesus can’t hear. “But, every time I see her she just talks about her boyfriend and doesn’t ask me a single question about what I’m doing. Then she makes us split the check even though I didn’t even want those appetizers and she knows she has way more money than me!”
Your mother nods knowingly and simply says, “Small Doses.”
You and Borderline Lover met 5 months ago, and suddenly you look around and realize you hardly spend time with anyone but her. Someone started throwing around the phrase “best friend” very early on and your courtship was quick and passionate. The two of you are very annoying when you’re together.
The Negative: Small Doses is irritating, but she was probably once your Borderline Lover. Too much time was spent with one another and that summer traveling through Europe together was very ill-advised.
The Positive: When you only spend a little time with Small Doses, you have such a great time together reminiscing, which reminds you why she was ever Borderline Lover in the first place. Then you start spending too much time together and you remember why she became Small Doses.
Crazy vs. Therapist
Maybe Crazy isn’t really crazy– she just loves attention, even though it’s negative, which I guess isn’t too sane either. Therapist loves giving out advice and fancies herself to be very sane. She definitely owns both a book and DVD copy of The Secret.
The Negative: Therapist might not be great at advice giving, but you have to sit there and listen to her quote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. With Crazy, you have to suffer the embarrassment of being a party to any of her attention seeking behavior, like when she waits to take her birth control until she sits down at the restaurant where she’s meeting your boyfriend for the first time.
The Positive: Maybe you’re lucky and Therapist is actually good at giving advice. If not, I guess she has some other good quality.
Crazy is fun to go out with and has all the good pills!
Partier vs. Responsible
Drunk Cinderella is a Partier
Partier is always out and her mother land is Vegas. Responsible likes to take care of everyone whether you like it or not.
The Negative: Don’t be surprised when Partier leaves you at the club without warning. Responsible will never leave you at the club, but she might not let you leave the club because there will not be a Natalie Holloway situation on her watch (if you are into leaving clubs with strange men. Not me! MOM, DON’T FREAK OUT).
The Positive: So she left you at the club, but did you have to pay to get in? Exactly. Because Partier always knows the bouncer. Just… always have cab money on you when you’re together. Maybe just bring Responsible with you because she always has cab money and is lucid enough to tell the driver where you live.
Hottie, or Too Much Self-Esteem vs. No Self-Esteem
Rebecca LaRue, Flirting Expert. A Hottie.
Hottie isn’t just hot, she measures her self-esteem in free drinks. It’s fine that she knows she’s hot, but she wants you to know that guys find her hot, too. No Self-Esteem is pretty self-explanatory, but sometimes Hottie is really a secret No Self-Esteem.
The Negative: No Self-Esteem is always complaining about something about herself, and you are constantly giving her pep talks like it’s the last 30 seconds of a high school football game in an after school special.
Hottie might try to work her boobie magic on the guy you like in a bar even if you already telepathically called dibs on him.
The Positive: Just ride Hottie’s coattails, and oh, the places you’ll go. Remember, the wing-woman gets free drinks too, and you get to hang out with some guy’s wing-man. The wing-man, like the former fat guys, are always nicer and are an untapped gold mine.
There’s no positive for No Self-Esteem. Keep those pep talks coming– it’s not all about YOU.
And Number 11….
The Friend you don’t know why you’re friends with. Seriously, why are you friends with her? She’s awful, just phase her out or something. Right now, you are Britney, and she is TOXIC.