3 Reasons Why Being Single is (Probably) Better than Dating a Serial Killer

Joran Van der Sloot, convicted lady murderer, has gotten a woman pregnant –CONSENTUALLY– from a jail in Lima. Good GOD, ladies! Get your shit together! You know what should be a dealbreaker? Being a murderer. Another dealbreaker: extorting money from the parents of a girl you murdered.

I thought we were passed this by now! I will give this lady the benefit of the doubt and assume that Sex and the City hasn’t made it to Lima yet, and she must not know that she can be Single and Fabulous –exclamation point! Or at the very least, be Single and Not Dating a World Famous Serial Killer–exclamation point!  

To this lady: here’s proof that being a spinster –nay– a bachelorette, cannot be as bad as dating a psychopath…

Guys, it’s a sperm bank!

1. If you really, really want a baby right now (your prerogative, ma’am!) you can stay single and take a quick trip to the sperm bank, turkey baster in hand. That way, you can still have a baby AND that baby could be filled with Sexy Italian Architect DNA or Adorable Jewish Doctaaah genes instead of Dutch psychopath juice. Talk about having and eating cake!

2. Anderson Cooper did a show on women who marry men in jail, and you should have seen the shade he was throwing in these ladies’ directions. Do you really want to walk around knowing that Anderson Cooper is judging you? Girl, you need to drop this act asap because you’re about one news cycle away from being on his Ridiculist.

3. Marrying a murderer is not full of the same hijinks that Mike Myers would have you believe. Remember, in So I Married an Axe Murderer {SPOILER ALERT} at the 11th hour it’s revealed that Harriet is not actually a murderer, so if you were thinking “if Mike Myers can make it work, so can I,” your theory is now null and void.

It’s just something to think about while you wait for the package I’ve sent you which includes the  Sex and the City Complete Series box set, a wine of the month club membership, and this book:

Joran, who?!