Happy Singles Awareness Day

JUST KIDDING, DUMMIES, I HAVE A DATE THIS YEAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHDHAHDAUIHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sorry to gloat. If it makes you feel any better, I ate a Sprinkles cupcake and a mocha latte for breakfast and now I feel sick….

……except I don’t even care because they were both free, compliments of my office building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anigif_enhanced-buzz-350-1378883218-16

48 Hours: OKCupid

I have begun to realize that if I’m left alone long enough with a bottle of Rite Aid’s finest $3 cabernet, I get an overwhelming urge to join OKCupid. I don’t think that’s a sign of any kind of alcohol problem, but when I finally joined, it definitely felt like I was subletting a finished basement in rock bottom.

OkCupid-LogoI had thought about joining since I moved to LA, but then a few weeks ago on a whim, (wine/whim. Synonyms, really) I actually did it. While I sat on the couch with my roommate, I devised an OKCupid profile:

Profile Question: “What are you most likely to be doing on Friday night?”
My Answer: “Drinking wine while I watch a Golden Girls marathon by myself.”

Profile Question: “You should contact me if….”
My Answer: “….you enjoy feminist rants because it’s kind of my thing.”

That last one is actually just a direct quote from New Girl. You might think I wasn’t taking the questions seriously, but if you know anything about me, you know that if I said literally anything else it would have been a lie.

After finishing my profile, I sat back as the predatory messages from uninhibited men hiding behind computers started rolling in!

The messages ran the gamut from either ignorant, creepy, or very creepy, but nearly every message I got included some sort of comment about the two questions above. Like:

“You’re a feminist? So, you want to castrate me?”

Yes. But just you, specifically.

“I don’t mind feminism as long as it’s not about bringing down men and isn’t in poor taste.”

Awwww. From the mouths’ of bros.

Of the 60 or so messages I got in the 48 hours before I deleted my profile, only two were from people I would consider dating. When I replied to one of those guys, I asked him his experience on OKC. He said the thing that bothered him the most was how many women wore some sort of fake mustache in their pictures. I was all, “uggh, totes, I feel you. My least favorite thing about guys on OKC is kinda like that, except instead of fake mustaches it’s the sexually suggestive comments about your looks that make you feel like an object to be used instead of an actual person, LOL!!”

I started to consider deleting my profile about 12 hours into creating it, but figured I’d keep an open mind and see if anyone good popped up. By hour 48, there was still no person of interest, BUT there was one guy who messaged me that would definitely be a person of interest to the police if I was murdered!

His message was simple and to the point.

“How many shoes do you own and do you like to cuddle?”

And with that, I deleted my profile.

an-honest-slogan-for-okcupid

I would not recommend OKCupid to single women unless you’re interested in the caliber of men that can’t afford Match.com.

If that is your thing, my advice would be to create a profile then discuss with your roommate or next of kin what photo you would like shown on the evening news after your inevitable disappearance. Tell them that anything from your Facebook profile picture album is pre-approved. If you’re just missing have them choose a photo that looks like you, yet still flattering. Something that really makes people want to find you. Now, if they’ve already discovered your charred remains and can only identify you by your dental records– go nuts!! Use the picture from the week after that lucky bout of food poisoning. Remember? Your hair was blonde and you still went tanning. It looks nothing like you now, but let that be the way the world remembers you. You deserve it.

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Gina and the Live Lip-Dub Proposal

Everyone is sooo into community theatre ac-torrr and die-rectorrr and all around Renaissance man, Isaac Lamb and the ‘world’s first’ live lipdub proposal. Okay, I get why it’s cute. They all seem like sweet people, and I’m not a complete monster… This is what white people do when they have a lot of time on their hands, and it’s fine.

I’m just not all that interested in the two people getting married… I mean… I found this:

That is Isaac and Amy in costume for the Lakewood Center’s production of City of Angels. I am now less invested in their happiness.

The real star of this video is Gina:

There’s not much info out there on Gi-Gi, but I think she must have choreographed the whole thing because she’s always in front and she’s got jazz hands for days. Bless this girl’s heart because Gina is giving it like this is a 2 o’clock matinee of Anything Goes and she’s going on for one of the Angels who got food poisoning at lunch.

I originally thought that Gina was the sister of the bride or groom because Isaac barely puts the ring on Amy’s finger before she jumps out of her final pose and invites herself into a three-way hug. Apparently she’s just a ‘close friend’ but I think that really means she’s the close musical theatre friend with no boundaries who likes to over share about her eating disorder loudly in the middle of Chili’s. And those are the best friends.

I will say this, though. With any luck, I have a thoughtful friend out there that will show this post to any man who threatens to propose to me (so hopefully this blog still exists in, like, 8-12 years). If he reads this I’d like him to know: I do not want to be involved in the world’s second live lip dub proposal. Or third or fourth. If you subject me to this I might still say yes, but just know if a flash mob is involved the answer is a flat no. Basically, stay away from anything that might produce a viral youtube video. Some additional tips would be don’t hide a ring in any sort of food or beverage, and I don’t want any animals involved, UNLESS you can train a small monkey to give me a ring OR teach a gorilla to sign ‘will you marry me?’ To be honest, I think we’ve just found the ideal way to propose to me and if Koko the Gorilla isn’t involved in some capacity, color me disappointed.

My actual favorite proposal video is from the Howie Mandel show about flash mobs (aptly named MOBBED) which is arguably the most underrated piece of television programming in history.

I encourage you to sit through the entire video- I promise it’s worth your time. If you don’t have an extra 15 minutes so your life can change and your eyes can open and you can smell colors and taste laughter, I’ll give you the highlights:

******SPOILER ALERT********

The video STARTS with her crying because she’s made to believe her boyfriend is cheating on her. It ENDS with her essentially being coerced into marrying him RIGHT THERE amongst her friends, family, and 200 of Los Angeles’s finest back up dancers. And somewhere in the middle are two separate flashmobs.

What little girl doesn’t dream of Howie Mandel having some sort of involvement in her wedding?

5 Ways to Trick Women into Thinking You’re a Grown-Up

If there’s one thing you should know about me before you make the decision to be my friend, is that I love to give a lot of unsolicited advice about everything, all of the times. One subject I like to drive my friends away with is how they should start dating men, not boys.

I think the difference between dating a boy and dating a man is obviously a level of maturity, respect, and an appreciation for a little old fashioned courtship. A male’s age does not equal maturity, but there are some red flags to help you figure out if you’ve just met a boy or a man.

Ladies, you can use this list to see if you’ve found a keeper, and boys, you can use this list to trick women into thinking you’re a keeper for at least a couple weeks.

5 Ways to Trick Women into Thinking You’re a Grown-Up:

1. When you get someone’s number, call the first time, don’t text. 

A guy who texts a girl he just met with a “heyy you” should just say what he really means: “heyy (I want to do) you.” Unacceptable. This is not an adult. This is a little boy afraid of talking on the phone, without even the courtesy to give a booty call. It’s called manners!

2. Don’t ask a woman if she wants to ‘hang out.’

Ask her if she would like to get a drink, get dinner, but in the beginning, don’t you dare ask her to ‘hang out.’  Are you two going to play Mario Kart and eat Cheetos? Then when you’re done are you  going to get your orange finger prints all over her in your parents’ basement? No sir. I understand if you have been dating for a few weeks and ‘hanging out’ means spending the day together antiquing and brunching and Breaking Bad marathoning on a Sunday afternoon, but asking someone out on a first date by asking to ‘hang out’ is so lazy.

3. If you asked the woman out, you pick the place. 

These are what debutantes looks like.

Let me first preface this by saying that I don’t mean the man should pick the place and then order your food because you’re too exhausted from last night’s debutante ball to worry yourself about such decisions. I’m saying that in the beginning dates, whoever initiated the date should just take that extra step of picking a place to eat. It’s considerate, like you’re excited about the date and you put a little extra thought into it.

4. Don’t ask a woman to ‘hang out’ the day of.

If a guy had Third Eye Blind tickets he could ask me out an hour before.

Unless under special circumstances (someone just offered you free concert tickets for that night because they couldn’t go, etc.) I think it shows kind of a lack of respect to ask someone you just met to ‘hang out’ with only a few hours notice. For one, there’s the assumption that she must have nothing better to do, and generally, no, personally, I do not have anything better to do, but that’s not the point. I know that sounds like general game playing and manipulation, but really I just think it’s polite. Some people will probably still go out with you even if you ask them the day of, but I’m just saying it’s a sign of maturity to give someone a few days notice to go on a proper date (which nobody does anymore).

5. Wear something other than a graphic tee-shirt.

You don’t have to get a makeover, but it would be great if just for a first impression, you showed a little effort with a nice soft tee-shirt or a sweater you maybe borrowed from Nate Berkus. I’m just saying, maybe a screen tee that you got for free from John Adams High Senior Class Government of ’02 is not the shirt you should wear on a first date.

I don’t think this is a lot to ask. You have no idea how much it costs to get a full head of highlights. You can do this for us.

5 Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day

First off, let me just say to those of you with significant others: You have enough resources to figure out what to do on Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re just looking for a nice, cheeky afternoon read, I suggest you go elsewhere because I have nothing for you.

Now to everyone else, here are some ways you can spend Valentine’s Day:

 1. Ladies/Gentlemen’s Night Out.

I think at some point everyone has to try the segregated female/male night out bit, but you might find that it’s not as empowering as one might imagine. If you’re going out in the hopes that you’re going to go to some gay club with your girlfriends and dance along to “Single Ladies” ’til the pain goes away, I suggest you pursue a different plan. You have to go out with the right expectations: Don’t go into this thinking it’s going to be a great night of partying and fun. Don’t go into this thinking you are going to find the man/woman you’ll end up marrying. Do realize that any club or bar you go to is just going to be filled with particularly desperate single people preying on each other. Do realize that if you have any sort of positive expectations, the reality won’t measure up.

My best advice is to go to dinner with some friends, drink Cosmos, and decide which Sex and the City character you are. Then, be home at a decent hour and watch Bridget Jones’ Diary until you fall asleep. Enjoy the company of your friends, but don’t make it a big to-do.

2. Pretend it’s Just Another Day.

I think this is a great option, but you have to really commit, and there needs to be a little preparation on your part. First, at least a week before, (there’s still time if you start today) you have to come to terms with the fact that you will be spending the day alone. I can’t stress how important it is that you abandon all hope. If you hold on to any glimmer of possibility, you can’t ignore the holiday to the fullest extent. If you need someone to crush what little faith you’ve been holding on to, let me be that person:

There are 3.5 days until Valentine’s Day. Even if you met the man/woman of your dreams in the next 20 minutes (you won’t), nobody wants to have a first date on V-Day. Starting February 15th, you can begin your hunt for next time. It is not happening for you this year. 

When it comes to the actual day, don’t be that weirdo who wears black and psychotically pretends like the holiday doesn’t actually exist. More importantly, don’t be the person who walks around telling everyone that Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark, this makes you bitter which defeats the whole purpose. You acknowledge that the holiday exists like a sane person, but it’s business as usual.

3. Give in to Depression.

I’ve been told numerous times that ‘depressed Dara’ is actually pretty amusing and funny. How do you keep your despair and loss of hope entertaining to others? Here are some tips:

  1. You can go a day or two without washing yourself.
  2. Wear a bathrobe. You’d be surprised how much it adds to the overall look.
  3. Walk around singing “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seeeeen.” There’s more to the song than that, but I like to just repeat that line over and over again. Here’s how it goes if you’re not familiar. The chorus of “Someone Like You” also works.
  4. Drink a bottle of wine and a block of cheese by yourself.
  5. Watch The Notebook and yell at the TV.

People will find this kind of sadness endearing. Just make sure you do not talk about your loneliness on Twitter, Facebook, etc. because then you look crazy and/or irritating- you could do all 5 of my depression tips at the same time and it wouldn’t matter. As long as you stay away from the computer, just enjoy reveling in your bottomless despair.

4. Go Out with Your Parents or Another Couple.

Don’t do this! Don’t do this at all! No matter how many times your roommate or relatives say, “Why don’t you just come out with us,” do not listen! All that will happen is the server will ask you if a 4th person will be coming. Then someone has to say ‘no.’ It isn’t pretty. This happened to me last year.

Look, I promised 5 ways to spend your Valentine’s Day. This is a way, but I don’t suggest actually doing it. In fact, consider this a warning. Someone might suggest this to you, and now you know not to do it.

5. Be Your Own Valentine!

It’s a holiday! Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy it. Someone loves you, right? You love you, right? So TREAT YO’ SELF!

Eat an entire box of chocolates… 
                                             treat yo’ self. 

Watch 6 hours worth of “The Millionaire Matchmaker…”
                                             treat yo’ self.

Enjoy a soothing facial mask…
                                             treat yo’self.

So, remember, everyone: No matter what you do, enjoy the day because you could be dead this time next year! Happy Valentine’s Daaaay!