Your Weekly Stodden Update

Okay, I promise that after this, I will retire* my coverage of your favorite Christian and mine, Mrs. Courtney Stodden.

*I cannot promise this.

I am considering retiring my Courtney posts because of the Funny or Die video starring her and her husband that came out today.

I know that I’ve made fun of her here, but this whole video was kind of sad for a couple of reasons: 1. I’m not convinced she’s in on the joke. I think she is playing some sort of character, but I wonder if she knows that this whole video is just making fun of her. I know a lot of people might be cynical and say she knows exactly what she’s doing, and maybe she does, but I think she has no idea what the repercussions might be in the future.  2. (And even more sad) No matter what, this girl is still 17, and she has no one protecting her. Everyone in her life would rather get rich off her than do what’s in her best interest (and there has GOT to be someone drugging her up backstage. Courtney, open your eyes! I mean -physically- open your eyes- you look drugged!).

I know she doesn’t look 17, but she still is, and nobody at Funny or Die stopped and thought that while Jason Alexander is putting his phone on her boobs and his hand on her bare legs and making mmmm, huminah-huminah faces, that this girl who looks like a stripper, is still just a girl.

If you want to watch the video it’s right here, I didn’t feel it was ethical to post it on my blog.

Just kidding, I don’t care that much. WordPress wouldn’t let me post the video in the format it’s in.

I Want to Save the Reality Stars

Some people want to save the whales, but if I’m going to put my energy and efforts into a cause, I’d like for it to hit a little closer to home. Something I can really get invested in…. like reality show stars!

As much as I love watching my reality stars on TV, I still hope that one day they’ll gain all the self-respect they need to get a real job and stop doing reality shows. This is why Dina Manzo is my favorite reality show star, because she could do what most could not: voluntarily walk away from a huge show like The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Sure, she has a design show on HGTV, but that’s totally different. One displays her talent for perpetuating negative female stereotypes and the other displays her talent for turning a simple home into an italian rodeo party (which is amazing because I was under the absolutely correct impression that the italian wild west didn’t exist).

I just feel like if anyone gave me 5 minutes with any reality star I could save them. I could help them understand that they haven’t been acting like real humans. Like, someone needs to help me schedule a sit down with Courtney Stodden.

I know she’s not a reality star, but I’m pretty sure she thinks she is and that’s enough for me. Girl is 17 and married to a 51 year old!!! I just need to know why no one has kidnapped her in the middle of the night to rescue her like she’s some 14 year old polygamist wife on a compound! I think we owe this to her! I feel like I just need to have a serious talk with her… like me and then if Whoopi Goldberg is free, I’d love her help. Together, we could really get through to her.

Obviously, no one has ever told her that you can get self-esteem from something other than male approval. And that it might be a good idea to finish high school. And that she looks like a porn star. I can tell her these things. Not in an accusatory way, just a real-talk, let’s-work-together-to-fix-this, way. Maybe Whoopi can mentor her. I think she needs a strong, no non-sense African-American female role model. This relationship would also make for a great movie. Courtney can write/direct it when she’s the 35 year-old empowered woman I know she can be. She can even make a cameo playing her evil, drug addled or abusive or profoundly mentally disturbed mother (I’m not sure which her mom is, but she’s suffering from whatever makes it okay in your brain to sign off on your 16 year-old daughter marrying a 51 year-old).

So, all I’m going to need is Courtney and Whoopi’s numbers and then we can get this intervention rolling. Then after that, I need to have a long talk with Lindsay Lohan.

Teen Mom and Me (It’s Too Late, Baby)

I’ve made a monumental life decision on my way to the allergist, and I thought I would make the official declaration here.

As you may or may not know (or care), I’m an aspiring comedic performer/writer. Once in a while people say I should go for a reality show or something, but I’ve always thought this would be something I would never do because of street cred purposes in the event that I do get successful in legitimate entertainment (Sidenote: I have this running fantasy every time I watch Real Housewives of NJ that I meet Albie Manzo in a NYC bar and we start dating. Then when it gets to the day where the producers of RHONJ want some footage of him with his new girlfriend, I decline to film because I’m too dedicated to being a serious artist. Now Albie knows my love is true and not for fame and Caroline Manzo gives him a speech in their kitchen about how no one’s good enough for her son, but I come close…. sorry, this just got way too real).

So, ANYWAY, I still don’t want to be on some sort of long-running, character driven reality show, but if I’m 35 and have gotten nowhere in my career I can consider it a wash and go out for some sort of show with different people every episode like Say Yes to the Dress or Intervention. I figure at around 35 I’ll be marrying some gay-fty (thanks, Happy Endings… it’s a gay-safety. Basically, a gay man that will marry me if we’re both single by a certain age so we can live out our dream of having our very own daughter…that we adopted from Malawi named Liza.) so, I can definitely go out for one of those wedding shows on TLC. I also think I have a pretty good shot at Hoarders.