The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

Real Housewives of NY: Morocco Part 3

I just had to post about this episode right now while I’m still flying on this Bravo adrenaline rush.

Lately, I had been feeling like the spark had left my relationship with the Real Housewives franchise. I still watch it all the time, but I had been hating myself a little more for it. I just couldn’t imagine that the third season of RHNJ could live up to 1 & 2 because they were losing genuinely unstable person, Danielle. Although Caroline will always be my top matriarch and Jacqueline’s marriage to Chris gives me hope for the future, it lost a lil’ something now that it’s just a lot of fighting between mostly sane people.

When Bethenny left RHNY, something was lost for me there, too. Without our Greek Chorus and comedic relief (which I think Mr. Cohen thought Sonja could live up to- not the case- she plays to the camera too much this season) it was again, a handful of ladies being out of hand catty and maybe giving a little ammunition to those who think women shouldn’t.. ya know..be politicians… or vote… or be allowed out of the house.

But. Tonight changed all that. It had been so long since “Scary Island” of season 3, that I forgot that we really do still have some unstable weirdos in our midst who bring color to the show beyond just fighting. The same color Bethenny and Danielle once brought. The scene when Alex interrupts Countess Luann, Cindy, and Kelly while getting their henna rivals Teresa’s table flipping and Kyle/Kim’s limo fight as the most memorable Housewives scene.

I could go on about this forever, but my favorite highlights are (spoilers):

  • Luann telling Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” I really feel like Luann is always white knuckling it and biting her tongue with these low blow comments as she tries to maintain her classy image (passive aggression and snobbery is more her style), but this season she’s really starting to let it fly.
  • Cindy, as the new comer (and this is my beloved father’s observation) is seeing this as an outsider and though she always has a look of “WTF?!” on her face, it was so elegantly highlighted in the shot of her and the two henna artists with there matching looks of shock (who went home and regaled their families with tales of the crazy, rich, white ladies).
  • The ultimate moment, though, was when the two most socially inept people of the show were left unattended. It was perfect pairing because Kelly hates emotions of any kind and Alex is a basket case. I wish I could wake up every morning to the clip of Alex talking with her eyes closed. I just pray they have a special extended episode like they did with the RHBH dinner party where they just show Alex and Kelly trying to communicate for an hour. Oh, please @BravoAndy, PULEAAASE!