The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

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Stuff Girls Do That I’d Like to See Guys Do

No matter who you are or what you believe in, we can all agree on a couple key issues: 1. The most important thing in life is love. 2. An up-and-comer named Bill Clinton has sufficiently ended our search for the perfect man to play Christian Grey, and 3. Animals dressed like people doing people-y things are sooo funny.

In the same way that dogs playing poker or monkeys wearing make-up is funny to me, sometimes I like to enjoy a giggle over the thought of boys doing girlish things. I don’t mean they’re dressed like girls and it’s not such stereotypically feminine activities like a guy getting his nails done. I heard Tom Brady enjoys a nice mani/pedi from time-to-time,   and he can gently swipe a stray eyelash from cheek with those finely manicured fingers any day (“Make a wish, baby.” “My wish already came true, Tommy. And he’s sitting right here feeding me Triscuits”).

Dem fingernails don’t buff themselves

I’m talking about stuff that isn’t really gender specific at all, but I could never imagine a guy doing by himself or with friends. Like:

  • Eating only steel cut oats and egg whites (or just grapefruit and skim milk. or just meth amphetamine and ice cubes) for a week because they might be seeing someone they’d like to impress or need to fit into a particularly sexy outfit.
  • Getting ready with friends before a night out, singing some Beyonce, sipping on Skinnygirl margaritas and plotting outfits (as in: “you can’t wear that because it’s so and so’s birthday and you can’t outshine her.” Did you boys know that that’s a real sentence we have to say out loud sometimes)?
  • Sitting around doing really scientific and reliable quizzes from a Maxim Mag (what’s that? Men’s Magazines don’t really print quizzes unless they are intrinsically ironic? Then how do you know if you’re Good Boy Hot or Bad Boy Hot)?!

I didn’t know this was pertinent info until Cosmopolitan.com told me it was.  Do you think I’m good girl hot or bad girl hot?

  • Wearing Spanx. Or Yummie Tummies. I don’t get why men aren’t concerned about whether their tummy is yummy. I care if my tummy is yummy. I care if their tummy is yummy. If I have to choose between full fat beer or a girdle so should they!
  • Speaking of Yummie Tummie, I got to thinking about Yummie Tummies and found myself on YummieLife.com, and before I knew it, I had entered this (also something I can’t see a straight man doing):

Guys, I just want to dish with Heatherrrrr!

Now, if you are a man and do any of these things, it is important that you let me know in the comments. Particularly if you entered the Yummie Tummie sweepstakes because we can go in on this together. If I win I’ll take you, and if you win you take me. Deal-skies?

My Favorite TV Couples

My favorite couples on TV in no particular order:

ICE & COCO

This whole show is a lesson in why you shouldn’t judge a book by its enormous fake breasted cover. Ice and Coco may look like a wild couple, but they both seem like really genuine people who really love each other.

Bless his heart. He loves that woman.

BETHENNY FRANKEL & JASON HOPPY

Bethenny is probably my favorite Real Housewife and I am equal parts happy for her and shocked that she found Jason. I love Bethenny, but girl is out of her MIND. Luckily, she found Jason who is so beautifully normal. He knows his lady is nuts but I think he actually likes it, and he keeps her calm. He’s so sweet to her, he has a great family, and omg that hair line of his! Flawless. So help me if Bethenny screws this up.

LESLIE KNOPE & BEN WYATT

Leslie and Ben from Parks and Recreation are my new Jim and Pam. Their forbidden nerd love is the most precious thing on TV. The nerd love they have is what I hope for some day, which you could probably guess if you know anything about my Muppet dream wedding.

BENSON & STABLER 

I know Benson and Stabler from Law and Order: SVU are not romantically involved, but they’ve got sexual tension that’s like butter you can cut with a knife and spread on toast. My favorite is when Benson & Stabler have to go “undercover,” but it’s more like sexy role playing. ALL time favorite is when Olivia Benson pretends to be Elliot’s hooker to save his life! Classic! When Christopher Meloni leaves the show I don’t know that I’ll be able to come back from that.

HEF & HOLLY

I know this isn’t current, but it’s always in my heart! Puffin!!!

Real Housewives of NY: Morocco Part 3

I just had to post about this episode right now while I’m still flying on this Bravo adrenaline rush.

Lately, I had been feeling like the spark had left my relationship with the Real Housewives franchise. I still watch it all the time, but I had been hating myself a little more for it. I just couldn’t imagine that the third season of RHNJ could live up to 1 & 2 because they were losing genuinely unstable person, Danielle. Although Caroline will always be my top matriarch and Jacqueline’s marriage to Chris gives me hope for the future, it lost a lil’ something now that it’s just a lot of fighting between mostly sane people.

When Bethenny left RHNY, something was lost for me there, too. Without our Greek Chorus and comedic relief (which I think Mr. Cohen thought Sonja could live up to- not the case- she plays to the camera too much this season) it was again, a handful of ladies being out of hand catty and maybe giving a little ammunition to those who think women shouldn’t.. ya know..be politicians… or vote… or be allowed out of the house.

But. Tonight changed all that. It had been so long since “Scary Island” of season 3, that I forgot that we really do still have some unstable weirdos in our midst who bring color to the show beyond just fighting. The same color Bethenny and Danielle once brought. The scene when Alex interrupts Countess Luann, Cindy, and Kelly while getting their henna rivals Teresa’s table flipping and Kyle/Kim’s limo fight as the most memorable Housewives scene.

I could go on about this forever, but my favorite highlights are (spoilers):

  • Luann telling Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” I really feel like Luann is always white knuckling it and biting her tongue with these low blow comments as she tries to maintain her classy image (passive aggression and snobbery is more her style), but this season she’s really starting to let it fly.
  • Cindy, as the new comer (and this is my beloved father’s observation) is seeing this as an outsider and though she always has a look of “WTF?!” on her face, it was so elegantly highlighted in the shot of her and the two henna artists with there matching looks of shock (who went home and regaled their families with tales of the crazy, rich, white ladies).
  • The ultimate moment, though, was when the two most socially inept people of the show were left unattended. It was perfect pairing because Kelly hates emotions of any kind and Alex is a basket case. I wish I could wake up every morning to the clip of Alex talking with her eyes closed. I just pray they have a special extended episode like they did with the RHBH dinner party where they just show Alex and Kelly trying to communicate for an hour. Oh, please @BravoAndy, PULEAAASE!

Bethenny and Skinny Apple Cinnamon Margarita Recipe

Bethenny in the Skinnygirl Car

Bethenny Frankel is my favorite of all the Real Housewives for a couple of reasons. First, she is probably the only Housewife who has any sense of humor at all, which is why she got her own show. I’d much rather watch her gently harass a wedding planner and then pee in an ice bucket before she walks down the aisle than listen to her argue with some middle aged lady who takes her self too seriously.

The other reason why I like her is the Skinnygirl brand she has. She has this great article about all the things you can do with greek yogurt. I’ve been using greek yogurt as a healthy substitute for sour cream… like, I’ll go to Chipotle after the gym, buy a burrito …and chips/guacamole (it’s fine! I went to the gym!) and then instead of sour cream I dip my chips in greek yogurt! See? Skinny Girl!

In honor of Bethenny’s Skinnygirl margarita I’ve posted a recipe for a Skinny Apple Cinnamon Margarita, invented by my BFF/Bestie/Bosom Buddy/The Tia to my Tamara– Riley.

Apple Cinnamon Margarita
1.5 parts Apple Pucker
2 parts tequila (clear, not yellow if you can)
Fill with Diet Ginger Ale
Garnish cinnamon and sugar mix and an apple slice (I’d use the natural sweetner, stevia. You can also rim the glass with this mix).

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