Another Episode?!

You people simply won’t believe this. There’s another episode of “You Need Therapy!” my world renowned podcast, available for your listening pleasure! And not just another episode… a FIFTH episode that I have managed to post on the day I said I would. Yes you heard that right, a new episode comes out every Wednesday! Sure, did I post about it here on my long neglected blog on Thursday? 7:30 PST which is 10:30 EST which is practically Friday? Maybe! I guess so! It sounds just as good as it would if you knew about it Wednesday!

Welp, here’s episode 5. We talk about reality TV and motivation/procrastination.

If you’re so inclined, please subscribe to “You Need Therapy!” Another easy thing to do is rate us! A harder thing to do is comment on our podcast in iTunes. I understand you all have jobs and this is inconvenient. But understand it takes a village to raise me into a famous person. It’s v. v. important to give us stars and comments on iTunes because it pushes us up in the ratings which is what we need if this podcast is ever going to be something other than a thing that gives me false illusions that I’m being productive.

Was that too sad? Oh well! Listen to us! Ask us questions to answer on the show! 

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The Real Housewives of NYC Recap Episode 1

Well, it’s that time again. The gals are back! No matter what happens this season, the first episode of RHONY always feels like someone wrapping you in an electric blanket as you drift off into a Lunesta sleep.

I’ve decided to start doing a video recap of the series because I feel like it and also because it creates the illusion that I’m doing something productive for my career on a weekly basis. I’m sure the episodes will change a little as I figure out how I want to structure them and get more comfortable with the idea that my 3 other male roommates can hear me wearing a leopard fur coat while I talk about Bravo alone in the guest room.

Unpopular Opinions

I can’t stand the Olympics. It takes away my regularly scheduled television programs for two whole weeks and then no one will let me watch Bravo because the Olympics only come once every 4 years and the Housewives are replayed twice a day.

I thought Whiplash was FINE. Not like, “what a fine film,” but like, “UGH, it was FINE.” I won’t regale you with my thoughts on how there were only maybe 3 female extras in the entire music school just about. Regardless of that, I hate films that involve too much drumming, or wild drumming. Or any movie where people get yelled at to practice instruments except for Mr. Holland’s Opus because trust that I will watch it every time it’s on TV.

I think polygamy is a cool and acceptable life choice as long as everyone is of age and like those Sister Wives people. I wish those sister wives could all marry each other because I think that idiot husband-child is just a major handicap and his hair looks over processed. The second half of this unpopular opinion is probably a VERY popular opinion amongst viewers of the show.

Ross was the comedic glue that held Friends together.

I never lost any sleep over that missing Malaysian plane or what’s up with the Bermuda Triangle or Amelia Earhart. I just don’t care about things that disappear out of nowhere unless it’s a coed on a spring break trip to Mexico. Serial Killers > Plane drama any day.

It’s all out there now. Love me or leave me.

Twitter Tuesday: Strippuhhhhs!

Today, instead of making fun of Courtney Stodden’s twitter (which btw, I don’t know what they did to her at Couples Therapy [and I will find out] but since she came back, her tweets don’t have the same uncomfortable sexual innuendos of an underage girl who really took to the alliteration lesson in her 7th grade English class) I’ll be going into further detail of an old tweet I wrote this summer about the Citizen Kane of stripper movies.
I realize a post on Magic Mike isn’t exactly topical, and there are more pressing and timely matters to discuss, like Honey Boo Boo announcing her official support of “Marak” Obama. However, since Sunday’s conclusion of Real Housewives of New Jersey, I feel that the topic of strippers is relevant again, though, when do G-strings and body glitter ever go out of style? I think Nina Garcia would agree that they are timeless staples for every man and woman’s wardrobe.

For those of you who don’t watch RHNJ, Teresa Guidice accused her sister in-law Melissa, and her ex-best friend Jacqueline of being strippers.

After three full hours of Melissa batting her big, beautiful fake eyelashes in disappointment and Teresa nearly popping a blood vessel trying to convince everyone that she and her brother would have made a stunning couple (aww, just imagine little Gia with two thumbs on one hand), Joe Gorga (her brother) gleefully admitted that it was he who stripped through college, not his wife. It was hilarious and endearing that Joe was a stripper, no one was wondering if Joe had a weird uncle that indirectly set him on this path of moral depravity. Yet for Melissa and Jacqueline, it would be considered a huge shame on them if they really did meet their husbands while stripping (that’s a meet-cute if I’ve ever heard one!).

Which brings me back to my original point about Magic Mike. They kind of made out male strippers to be men contributing as much to society as volunteer firefighters- doing their part along with 50 Shades of Grey to liberate middle aged women from their sexual repression. In real life, Channing Tatum was a stripper, and everyone thought it was so funny that he was on the Ellen Show handing out lap dances like Halloween candy. Meanwhile, the media tells Diablo Cody to go to her room and think about what she did while she writes the Sweet Valley High movie adaption. Unfair! Everyone should have the equal opportunity to strip guilt-free no matter what your gender.

 Support a woman’s right to let her do her!

 This is America, dammit!

 

 

 

The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

Thirsty Thursday: The Caroline Manzo

Today I’ll be teaching you how to make what I like to call the Caroline Manzo. Really, it’s an italian drink made from coke and red wine called a Kalimotzo, but I saw it in an episode of RHONJ, and you know I’ll make a Manzo and/or Laurita reference at any opportunity.

After my gym class I picked up some Diet Coke and wine- a nice and complete shopping list for a Thursday at 10 am. I didn’t want to spend too much as this was just for a blog, not for some serious, down-to-business drinking. I’ve got to say, I think it’s nothing short of a tragedy that my local Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry alcohol, thus no tried and tested Two Buck Chuck. Other than TBC, I’ve never gone below $8 for wine because I’m such a vino snob and all, but today was a new day. I have a trip to Las Vegas coming up, so I need to be frugal with my drinking habit. I managed to get it down to $3.49 with Golden Gate Vinters! I didn’t try it without the diet coke, but I sense some slight Manischevitz undertones.

Mmmm mmm mmmm, this is actually very refreshing. It also allows me to put ice in my wine and drink it with a straw, judgement-free, which is what I really want to do in the first place, anyway.

Real Housewives of NY: Morocco Part 3

I just had to post about this episode right now while I’m still flying on this Bravo adrenaline rush.

Lately, I had been feeling like the spark had left my relationship with the Real Housewives franchise. I still watch it all the time, but I had been hating myself a little more for it. I just couldn’t imagine that the third season of RHNJ could live up to 1 & 2 because they were losing genuinely unstable person, Danielle. Although Caroline will always be my top matriarch and Jacqueline’s marriage to Chris gives me hope for the future, it lost a lil’ something now that it’s just a lot of fighting between mostly sane people.

When Bethenny left RHNY, something was lost for me there, too. Without our Greek Chorus and comedic relief (which I think Mr. Cohen thought Sonja could live up to- not the case- she plays to the camera too much this season) it was again, a handful of ladies being out of hand catty and maybe giving a little ammunition to those who think women shouldn’t.. ya know..be politicians… or vote… or be allowed out of the house.

But. Tonight changed all that. It had been so long since “Scary Island” of season 3, that I forgot that we really do still have some unstable weirdos in our midst who bring color to the show beyond just fighting. The same color Bethenny and Danielle once brought. The scene when Alex interrupts Countess Luann, Cindy, and Kelly while getting their henna rivals Teresa’s table flipping and Kyle/Kim’s limo fight as the most memorable Housewives scene.

I could go on about this forever, but my favorite highlights are (spoilers):

  • Luann telling Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” I really feel like Luann is always white knuckling it and biting her tongue with these low blow comments as she tries to maintain her classy image (passive aggression and snobbery is more her style), but this season she’s really starting to let it fly.
  • Cindy, as the new comer (and this is my beloved father’s observation) is seeing this as an outsider and though she always has a look of “WTF?!” on her face, it was so elegantly highlighted in the shot of her and the two henna artists with there matching looks of shock (who went home and regaled their families with tales of the crazy, rich, white ladies).
  • The ultimate moment, though, was when the two most socially inept people of the show were left unattended. It was perfect pairing because Kelly hates emotions of any kind and Alex is a basket case. I wish I could wake up every morning to the clip of Alex talking with her eyes closed. I just pray they have a special extended episode like they did with the RHBH dinner party where they just show Alex and Kelly trying to communicate for an hour. Oh, please @BravoAndy, PULEAAASE!