The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

RHOBH Season Recap

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finished it’s second season last week and aired Part 1 of 3 reunion episodes in which they milk fights about derogatory names for shoes, with the real dirt being saved for Part 3.

I have so many thoughts about the whole season, and luckily I at least have this outlet to talk about it. Some people dream about becoming famous and being interviewed by David Letterman, but I dream about being interviewed by Andy Cohen so I can share my scholarly opinion on the Housewives to people who are invested. Unless I get discovered at a gas station tomorrow, my thoughts on Season 2 of RHOBH probably won’t be relevant if I ever do end up as a guest on Watch What Happens Live! so I’m just gonna break it down for you right here while everyone people who don’t watch The Bachelor still know who Lisa Vanderpump is.

{Dana Wilkey}

Let’s start with “The Friends of the Housewives.” Poor Dana/Pam– now if we want to talk desperate housewives, let’s start here. She’s just some poor neglected wife who’s husband has different hoes in assorted area codes (as Brandi hypothesized). In general, she’s harmless (read: boring), but I will say she won me over as the only one who believed Taylor that she was being abused.

{Brandi Glanville}

I have to hand it to Brandi, she garnered herself almost as much air time as the actual Housewives, and I think she can thank her bare nipples and mental instability for that. At first I didn’t love Brandi because she accused Kim of being a crystal meth addict on national television. Which, by the by, there must be some rule set by the producers that you can never mention that you are actually on TV, as to not break the third wall and with it all the magic that comes with catty fights, supposed drug addiction, and an impending suicide.

Anyway, Brandi is obviously out of her ever loving mind, but in a fun way. Like, she’s probably awesome to party with, but you might want to have the number of a cab company on hand because there’s a really good chance she’ll leave you there. I think everyone should have at least one friend like that to shake things up.

{Adrienne Maloof}

I like Adrienne, but she was grasping at straws this season. She’s too levelheaded for this show. At Kyle’s White Party when they decided to kick Taylor and Ike Turner out before they even walked inside, Kyle was a weeping mess, and Adrienne stepped in and point-blank told them they had to go. If you start swinging around the word ‘lawsuit,’ she’s going to send you home with your humiliated abusive husband and go back to eating canapes at the party because old money don’t play like that.

Adrienne’s only drama was with Lisa about Pandora’s decision to have her bachelorette party at Planet Hollywood instead of The Palms. Look, Adrienne. Someone offered to host the event for Lisa, why would she say ‘no’ to the family friend when you hadn’t offered? Also, The Palms is off the Strip while Planet Hollywood is prime real estate. No one wants to party where Trista from The Real World lived for 3 months! Crabs are really contagious!

{Lisa Vanderpump}

One of my favorite things about this season is that you can totally tell at which point business started getting real and the producers didn’t have to manufacture drama anymore. In the first half of the season, they were obviously priming Lisa to be this season’s villain. Camille came off pretty awful last season (she had her children via a surrogate not because she can’t have children but because she has irritable bowel syndrome… meaning sometimes she gets a lil’ constipated. I think that’s actually pretty badass in a sociopathic kind of way), but because of Kelsey Grammer cheating on her, she became a much more sympathetic character. I have to admit, I was really into Camille this season.

{Kelsey and Camille Grammer}

A new villain for season 2 was needed, and a a sarcastic British person seemed to be the most obvious candidate. Then it became apparent that you could just turn a camera on Kim and just let that baby run, so they started laying off Lisa and let her plan her daughter’s backyard barbecue wedding in peace.

{Kim and Kyle Richards}

I don’t have much to say about Kyle other than love or hate her, it appears to me like she’s the best mother on the show and I feel for her that she’s had to deal with Kim her whole life. She can be catty, but overall I feel she’s kind of harmless.

Now Kim. Kim, Kim, Kim. This is a case of a child star who got all of her self worth from being a cute kid or beautiful young woman who could get work. She was already on the decline by the time she was 15 or so, and in my opinion she stopped maturing after her life’s climax when she was in Escape to Witch Mountain. If you don’t believe me, who was the last person that told you they “like to touch the buttons” in a car or elevator? Was it a 47 year-old woman or a 7 year-old?

The whole story line with Kim was so strange- everyone knows this woman has some sort of drug or alcohol problem, meanwhile everyone is telling her how fabulous and skinny she looks. Another weird moment was when they show Kim going through a limo’s trash can as her “gay bull mastiff” of a boyfriend is trying to wrangle her (in what must have been a moment of deja-vu for the on-set Disney child wranglers who used to babysit Kim during her glory days) and the interview clip they decide to use for that moment is just her saying “I’m a Virgo” as some sort of explanation.

Overall, it seemed like Kim was on a totally different show from everyone else… let’s just say I think maybe too many addicts caught wise to the fact that maybe they’re not really in a documentary about addiction, so now the Intervention producers are just telling them they’re being filmed for a documentary about housewives.

Which brings us to your favorite lip implant and mine, Taylor.

{Taylor Armstrong}

First, let me say I feel for Taylor and her daughter Kennedy, but I have never been much of a Taylor fan. Kennedy is essentially the sad little opposite of Violet Affleck. Perpetually miserable, in a really adult, bitter way. I wouldn’t be surprised if she and Suri Cruise commiserate over cigarettes and a liquid lunch at SUR every Tuesday. I think Taylor’s bad parenting skills were particularly evident in the last episode when she walked into Kyle’s house with Kennedy clutching to her like a rabid Koala bear, hiding her face from the camera, and Taylor just gives her a pat on the bum and a, “Go Play with Portia upstairs! That’s the happy child in the second bedroom to your left with two living parents! Mommy just has to film one more episode and then we can get back to your reward chart and grieving the sudden loss of your father!”

C’mon, Taylor!

Taylor’s behavior was understandably erratic this season, and despite my negative feelings towards her, I did find myself siding with her over the other women. The thing that irked me the most this season was that everyone was really skeptical that Russell was actually beating her because she didn’t have bruises around her neck in the shape of a hand, explaining that she walked into a door. Their brilliant reasoning being that if he was beating her, why wouldn’t she just leave?

Are these women too busy starting their different shoe lines to watch any Lifetime movie ever made? If every abused woman left their husband because Adrienne Maloof told them to we might be able to save a lot of lives. Of course good old Faye Resnick pointed out what I thought everyone knew- that many abuse victims stay with their abusers for different reasons, and Dana also pointed out the obvious that if “your girl” says someone hit her, you believe her.

Overall, this was a great, completely morbid, and borderline inappropriate season. Though nothing, not even drug abuse and suicide, can top season one and Alison Dubois.

And for my own viewing pleasure:

 

 I’m exhausted.

Real Housewives of NY: Morocco Part 3

I just had to post about this episode right now while I’m still flying on this Bravo adrenaline rush.

Lately, I had been feeling like the spark had left my relationship with the Real Housewives franchise. I still watch it all the time, but I had been hating myself a little more for it. I just couldn’t imagine that the third season of RHNJ could live up to 1 & 2 because they were losing genuinely unstable person, Danielle. Although Caroline will always be my top matriarch and Jacqueline’s marriage to Chris gives me hope for the future, it lost a lil’ something now that it’s just a lot of fighting between mostly sane people.

When Bethenny left RHNY, something was lost for me there, too. Without our Greek Chorus and comedic relief (which I think Mr. Cohen thought Sonja could live up to- not the case- she plays to the camera too much this season) it was again, a handful of ladies being out of hand catty and maybe giving a little ammunition to those who think women shouldn’t.. ya know..be politicians… or vote… or be allowed out of the house.

But. Tonight changed all that. It had been so long since “Scary Island” of season 3, that I forgot that we really do still have some unstable weirdos in our midst who bring color to the show beyond just fighting. The same color Bethenny and Danielle once brought. The scene when Alex interrupts Countess Luann, Cindy, and Kelly while getting their henna rivals Teresa’s table flipping and Kyle/Kim’s limo fight as the most memorable Housewives scene.

I could go on about this forever, but my favorite highlights are (spoilers):

  • Luann telling Alex to “go back to the cabinet you came out of.” I really feel like Luann is always white knuckling it and biting her tongue with these low blow comments as she tries to maintain her classy image (passive aggression and snobbery is more her style), but this season she’s really starting to let it fly.
  • Cindy, as the new comer (and this is my beloved father’s observation) is seeing this as an outsider and though she always has a look of “WTF?!” on her face, it was so elegantly highlighted in the shot of her and the two henna artists with there matching looks of shock (who went home and regaled their families with tales of the crazy, rich, white ladies).
  • The ultimate moment, though, was when the two most socially inept people of the show were left unattended. It was perfect pairing because Kelly hates emotions of any kind and Alex is a basket case. I wish I could wake up every morning to the clip of Alex talking with her eyes closed. I just pray they have a special extended episode like they did with the RHBH dinner party where they just show Alex and Kelly trying to communicate for an hour. Oh, please @BravoAndy, PULEAAASE!