The Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Real Housewife

Step 1: Appearance

You’re going to need a lot of jewel toned (preferably satin), sequined, and/or bandage dresses.

If you are ever unsure of whether your wardrobe, hair or make up is up to the Housewife standard, just ask yourself, “do I look like an aging pageant queen?” If your answer is, “yes, I definitely could have been a second runner-up for Miss America in 1988,” then you have met the minimum requirement to be a New York City Housewife. If you’re aiming for Beverly Hills, The OC, or Miami, you’ll have to keep working until you achieve Miss USA 1997 status. There is no rest for the weary.

Note: Your hair must be at least 1 and a quarter inch bigger in volume than average for every appearance you make in a confessional shot, reunion taping, or Watch What Happens Live episode.

Step 2: Career

Skweez Couture with Jill Zarin

Your choices are limited to: anything related to the sale and consumption of alcohol, a shape wear line designer, pretend singer, pretend author (sorry, Carole Radziwill, but there is reason to believe that you actually wrote your books, so unfortunately, that will not count as an acceptable Housewife career).

Nice bandage dress, Tamra!

Step 3: Dialect

First, don’t knock yourself out trying to pronounce anything correctly, in fact the mispronunciation of every day words and phrases is encouraged.

Try the new language out this weekend: use “vah-kah” instead of “vodka,” as in, “I would like a dirty “vah-kah” martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.” See: Vicki Gunvalson and Ramona Singer.

Second, always speak in metaphor, cliches, euphemism, and sound bites.

Note: Never refer to yourself as a “bitch,” but as a person who “tells it like it is” or “says what everyone else is thinking.”

Step 4: ABC

Always Be Consuming. Preferably a signature cocktail, ie. Pino Grigio, Skinny Girl Margarita, The Vicki G. Martini, etc.

It is a tragedy that I’ve never tried Ramon PG or Teresa’s Fabellini. PR people: Send me some! 

Step 5: Save all arguments with another Housewife for parties and charity events

If you have a grievance with a Wife, don’t bring it up in a phone call or in a private setting. Wait until the next party or charity fashion show to discuss your disagreements, then set up  a white wine lunch to discuss the disagreements brought up at the party or charity fashion show.

……

Good Luck, Ladies! And Gentlemen, don’t be discouraged that you can’t be a Housewife. Just take this advice and you still have a chance at being a Housewife’s gay stylist, and if that doesn’t pan out, consider a fall back career as an America’s Next Top Model runway coach.

My New Favorite Bravo House Husbands

Jason Hoppy used to be my main Bravo man, but ever since season 2 of Bethenny Ever After, I have become very disenchanted with him and B-Town.

{Two miserable rich people}

Let me start off by saying I think Bethenny is a holy terror and should have never gotten married to anyone in the first place, but mostly I’m sick of Jason getting his Skinnygirl Shapewear in a twist every time she gets a Christmas card from Ellen and Portia. Sorry you feel emasculated because you couldn’t buy the boat for your family, but keep sipping on your ‘all natural,’ premixed margarita while you sail through Malibu on the S.S. Skinnygirl and get over it.

I have some new favorite Bravo House Husbands who don’t have wives with multi-million dollar empires built on the poor self image and disordered eating habits of America’s women (but I think if they did, they wouldn’t be such a-holes about it).

Kroy Biermann, Husband of Kim Zolciak, Real Housewives of Atlanta


There are three things in life that get me every time and Kroy Biermann has accomplished all of them on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding: 1. Hot dads with babies, 2. When a dad paints his daughter’s nails, 3. When step children accept a step parent as their parent-parent and starts calling them mom or dad (I really can’t explain this last one, my parents aren’t divorced or anything, but that turns my black heart pink ev.ry. time). Besides Kroy being one hot dad who loves Kim’s girls as his own, he also seems to be really tickled by her eccentricities. His wedding vows might as well have said “I promise to let you do you, baby girl.”

Terry Dubrow, husband of Heather Dubrow, Real Housewives of Orange County

Terry and Heather Dubrow are encroaching on Ice and Coco’s status as my favorite reality show couple. I mean, I don’t think they’ll ever steal that spot because another thing that gets me every time is when a former bad boy gangsta waxes poetic about how much he loves and admires his wife– but the Dubrow’s are still a close second. The thing I like most about Terry is that he allows Heather to maintain some independence and is always supportive of her rich lady aspirations (“I’m going to open a restaurant so my friends and I have a place to hang out, Terry!” “That sounds fun, Heather!”). When Heather auditioned for a part in a sitcom that shot for 12 hours a day in some impractical place like Canada, Terry never said, “you can’t do this, we have four kids that are still at an age where they will literally die if they go unsupervised.” He knew that she knew that it wouldn’t work, but he let her make that decision on her own rather than telling her no.

Jason, if you’re reading this (I think he’s reading this) learn something from these men and just let Bethenny be the basket case millionaire she was born to be. Being a stay-at-home dad is a very admirable thing, anyway. Someone needs to make sure that Bryn is eating more than scooped out bagels and Skinnygirl meal bars (’cause you KNOW Miss Frankel is unknowingly instilling some food shame into that kid).