10 Signs That Somebody Doesn’t Care About Your Quarter-Life Crisis

1. Are you talking to: your great grandparents?

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I guess what may be worse than not being able to find a job in your chosen field right out of college is having to get a full time job at 12 so your family can afford boots. So if wearing shoe boxes on your feet and having a 6th grade education is a symptom of The Great Depression, then not being able to afford a 3-day juice cleanse after you binge ate Dominos and beer would be called The Not So Bummer Summer?

2. Are you talking to: Lena Dunham?

Remember in her Golden Globes speech when Lena said she was thankful for having her own show because it “made her feel less alone?” I, for one, am so pleased that my viewership could make Lena feel like she had a place in this world, (just as I’m sure certified old ladies, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, were thrilled to hear that their work got Lena through middle school) but something tells me that a 26 year-old millionaire can’t quite relate to me and my folding card table dining room set.

3. Are you talking to: someone who couldn’t afford to go to college?

In that case, they probably don’t have a ton of sympathy for someone who for a full four years after high school only had to worry about things like getting a passing grade on an essay titled “A Queer Analysis of Xena: Warrior Princess” (a real paper I wrote) while they were out there paying bills and starting a career at 18. Meanwhile, at this point in their lives they’re making bank as an electrician or whatever and you’re sitting at your folding card table writing in your blog. You chose to go to art school, now you have to live with the consequences.

4. Are you talking to: your parents?

How much are they paying for your student loans every month while their retirement slowly slips away from them just so you could go to college and have a life that was better than theirs? K.

5. Are you talking to: the Government?

LOL

6. Are you talking to: your alma mater?

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The second I graduated they started asking me for donations, so they don’t seem super concerned that I’ve lived in my apartment for four months and I still don’t own curtains.

7. Are you talking to: anyone over 30?

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Despite graduating into a Clinton-Gore utopia, they still went through the exact same transitional phase that you are going through now. Go Netflix Reality Bites and I’ll prove it. And before you ask, that’s Janeane Garofalo, not Aubrey Plaza. Then go watch The Graduate. You didn’t invent floating around in your parents’ pool depressed for the entire summer after graduation.

8. Are you talking to: anyone under 30?

They don’t think this will happen to them. In their eyes, you are just a sad old person.

9. Are you talking to: me?

Just because you moved out of your hometown doesn’t make your champagne problems more interesting or important. I care as much about my high school friends’ babies as I do about my college friends’ webseries called Post Grad Probs and Post Gradz and #PostGradLife.

10. Are you talking to… these people:

That’s a video about the work Amy Poehler does with the Worldwide Orphans Foundation where people go to third world countries and basically just hug orphans because they don’t get enough human contact to develop normally. I’m guessing those orphans don’t care about your Quarter-Life Crisis. Also: homeless people, crack babies, harlequin babies (do not Google it), single mothers on welfare, and if you wanna hit up Mia Farrow’s twitter she’s got a ton of links to bummer news stories that will make you feel like an asshole for ever complaining about your folding card table dining room set arrangement.

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My Post-Grad Life: The Fun-Employment 15

Just like 40 is the new 20 (sorry, have you seen Sandy Bullock? She’s killing it.) the post-grad Fun-Employment 15 is the new Freshmen 15. Well, at least for me it is.

When you graduate college you’re either going to go one of two ways: stay in your pajamas all day and eat 3x the calories you need, or go to the gym 3 times a day. You’re either going to lose the 15 or gain it.

I haven’t gained 15 pounds, but it’s probably a cool 10 away from where I was for most of college. The problem with being unemployed or employed-ish (being a Amstel Lite girl doesn’t count as a real job) is that it’s so easy for the weight to creep on without noticing ’til it’s too late. There are a few reasons for this:

  • The jeans test doesn’t really work anymore: For those of you unfamilar with the jeans test, it is a way of measuring your weight without a scale- you judge your weight based on how your pants fit. Guess what? The jeans test doesn’t work so well if you never wash them. I’ve got a pair that fit like sweat pants at this point, so in my head I’m about as frail as an Olsen twin. Not so. Those threads are stretched so far that they are just white knuckling it to stay on my thighs at this point. What’s ironic is that now that you’ve graduated college and you’re living at home, laundry is free and you have plenty of time to do it- but Post-Grad Life is an alternate universe where you have unlimited time but do absolutely nothing. You could have written the Great American Novel by now…. but I bet you can tell me in what order each contestant was voted off Dancing with the Stars. How’s that novel going?
  • Yoga pants have too much give: If you’re wearing shapeless Costco sweat pants every day, you have gone too far and will have to turn around. However, yoga pants are just the right amount of pathetic: not real pants, but we can still see there’s a butt under there… which is actually the problem because yours has gotten big (and I mean “yours” as the universal 1st world, educated “your”). Yoga pants are the catch-22 of apparel: they stretch enough so you can’t tell how much weight you’ve gained, but that fabric is so thin that everyone else can tell exactly how much weight you’ve gained….that’s what a catch-22 is, right?
  • Your life revolves around your food schedule. This isn’t so different from my life before, I have always planned my next meal while I was eating the current one. The only difference is that now the only thing I have to look forward to in my day is a ham and cheese lean pocket. Then once I eat that I have to chase my next high- left over Carvel ice cream cake, pizza bagels, handfuls of Flavor Blasted Goldfish every 20 minutes. It’s been a dark time.

Luckily, I’ve started temping full time, so now I have other things to do all day than think about food. Now I think about how detrimental I am to this company, all the good I’m doing, and how much I mean to my fellow employees. Yes, they’re just testing my loyalty to them by not giving me health insurance or paid time off…but that is another story for another time, my little cherubs. For now I shall sit and dream about the turkey sandwich in my lunch bag…a happy ending to an otherwise sad story.