Life From an Easy Chair

It’s basically my policy that I don’t start anything new until Monday. The New Year unfortunately fell on a Tuesday, and I actually don’t start any sort of New Year’s resolution until January 2nd because why would you try to lose weight and be a better person on what is technically considered a holiday?

I decided to begin my resolutions the Monday after New Year’s Day. The same two resolutions I have every year, which is: stop eating like a trash compactor and stop procrastinating. It’s so hard to do either of those things because they’re in my blood like diabeetus. Luckily, two of my favorite hobbies are starvation juice cleanses and personal development, so I give it a good try for a couple weeks a few times a year, which is enough for me.

I was ready to go this past Monday, but then I got a sore throat (!!!). I’ve also been on crutches for the last 5 weeks, so I just took this as an excuse to go into a surprisingly satisfying wallowing depression that includes involuntary heavy sighs and sleeping 14 hours a day.

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The other 9 hours and 45 minutes are spent in a reclining chair in my living room, and the remaining 15 minutes are spent in the bathroom or in transit to the bathroom. It’s so hard to think of things to blog about when you have minimal human interaction, but the plus side is that I’m now starting to believe I know the celebrities I follow on Twitter personally. It’s like my recliner is my island and celebrities are my Wilson and I am Tom Hanks because I’m extremely like-able and my personal hygiene has completely deteriorated. Just kidding, some say I’m not that like-able.

Okay, that was enough productivity for one day, back to my bell jar, bye.

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Best of 2012

tumblr_mfvr8bM1j81r4zlnbo1_500Welcome to 2013, readers! 2012 was a great year because I didn’t die and no one I knew died, and that’s about it.

I will not tell you that 2013 is the year of Dara* because one time a guy told me it was “the summer of Jeff,” and then I gagged on the Jack and Coke he bought me without asking, which, if we’re on this topic, is not the kind of drink you just assume someone likes. Do I look like I drink Jack and Coke? Did I go to business school? Am I quoting Anchorman? Okay, so I will take a Sauvignon Blanc if they have it. They don’t? Ugh, what kind of dump did you take me to? Fine, vodka soda.

*It is, though. And, the Year of Dara is a clear Happy Endings reference, making it cooler, and Jeff had never heard of Happy Endings so there is a very concise difference between us. Shout out to Jeff if he reads this.

Anyway, 2012. 12 posts from the year, posts that I found particularly fun when I read them back to myself while I was drunk on white wine (click on the picture):

boymeetsworld_5141. 7 Questions They Should Answer on “Boy Meets World” 012eb69823de11e287a122000a9f13ec_7

 2. Halloween Recap 3. 7 Reasons Why I’m Ill-Equipped to Have Children0518140a13aa11e2952122000a1fbf2e_7 4. 3 Reasons Why Being Single is (Probably) Better Than Dating a Serial Killerbikestealer2 5. The Compulsive Bike StealerScreen shot 2012-09-21 at 1.25.12 PM 6. 11 Girl Friends You Probably HaveMagicMike7. Don’t You Yolo Me sophia-grace-rosie-grammys-2012-red-carpet 8. The Future of the Adult Entertainment Industry929152328b0c11e19e4a12313813ffc0_79. Dara and the Big Sleepover meangirls10. 7 Bits of Advice for Young Girls
Screen shot 2012-06-15 at 2.37.34 PM

 11.  5 Things You Should Know About Being an Acting MajorSandra 12. Valentines for Single People

Happy New Year, and I promise I won’t tweet anything to the tune of “so jacked for 2013! #bigthings are happening! #blessed.”

Holidays in Instagram

This is just a picture of a tree from JCPenney’s. It has no emotional significance, so don’t worry too much about it.

For Christmas Eve my family and I went to the restaurant my brother works at for dinner. After this picture was taken I loaded this puppy up with cream because it was Christmas. CART BLANCHE, PEOPLE! This is my binge eating Super Bowl.

My Christmas Eve outfit. Over the course of the evening I some how ended up looking like a prostitute. Actually, more like one of those romanticized hookers from a movie. Or if I’m being kind, like that Toddlers and Tiaras 3 year-old who dressed up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for a pageant. I didn’t start out looking like this, but I had a couple of glasses of wine in the restaurant and found some red lipstick in my purse. It was all over after that. I stand by this look.

One of my Christmas presents. A Parks and Recreation tee. I would have also accepted anything that said ‘Treat. Yo. Self.’ on it.

New Year’s Eve. Henry and Wilbur with their new friends before we put them in a pot of boiling water. Just to be clear, we put the lobsters in boiling water, not my dogs.

This is my 24 by 24 resolution list. I made it when I turned 23, but only managed to accomplish number 1, which is “read a book a month,” so I turned it into a New Year’s resolution list and framed it.

I’m not going to tell you all my resolutions/goals because this isn’t Livejournal, but here’s a taste of some things I’m trying to work on to make me less of a useless human being.

  • Work on procrastination/time management skills. I heard recently that you should spend a day documenting everything you do every minute to see where your time goes, which I’m trying out today. Here’s how things are going:

943am: Checked blogs
947am: Blog
948am: Checked Twitter
950am: Blog
953am: Checked Twitter
954am: Blog
1003am: Checked Twitter
1006am: Bathroom
1008am: Blog (and it just goes on like this forever).

  • Write for Hello Giggles. I don’t think this needs qualifying. Obviously, I just put this here in case someone from HG would see this. Shameless!
  • Learn how to play the ukulele. Specifically, learn how to sing and play it at the same time. I’ve had my ukulele (named Kevin UKE-illis, obviously) for, like, 2 years, and all I can do is play a completely unrecognizable version of the opening chords of “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.
  • Write in my blog, Monday through Friday. Ugggghhhh.

And here are just some final hopes for the new year:

1. There is no reason why we should be carrying the phrase ‘FML’ into the next year. Girls, stop taking pictures of yourself on the toilet at parties, too. Both of these things make other countries hate Americans.

2. Can we all agree to be a little harder on Katy Perry in 2012? I will give you ‘Firework,’ but I have to draw the line at ‘Last Friday Night.’ We don’t have to make all her songs hits, ya know.

3. I’m still pulling for gourmet donuts to be the new cupcake. I think we can do it this year.

I’ll leave you with this prediction: 2012 is Anderson Cooper’s year! I’m telling you! Have you seen his new show, Anderson? The other day he just talked about how he’s a disordered eater that has Boston Market every day. Yessss.

(Follow me on Instagram: daralaine)

Too Good for a Resolution

Have you ever noticed that people who don’t drink or watch TV love reminding you about it at every opportunity? Instead of just telling you that they aren’t familiar with the show you’re talking about, they have to rub it in and point out that they are too busy to watch TV, which (and if you are this person, let’s hope that what you lack in Kardashian knowledge you make up for in reading comprehension) is super pretentious, whether you mean it to be or not. Same with non-drinkers. If I offer you a drink it’s probably more than reasonable to decline and qualify it with an “I don’t drink,” but you don’t need to keep telling me about how hilarious or annoying it is to be the only sober person at a bar.   Tell someone who doesn’t drink either, and just revel in each other’s clean livers. The rest of us want to act like a-holes at bars without your judgement (another thing: people who don’t drink are always saying that they aren’t judging drinkers. YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!)

Now if you do drink and watch TV, how are you to exert your self-importance over the rest of us heathens? Well, finally I’ve found an option for you during this, the holiday season.

See? Bethenny doesn’t need a resolution because she’s always living her best life like she’s OPRAH or something (another thing she’s always doing is subtly pushing her yoga DVD). I guess I wouldn’t need a resolution, either, if I had 120 million dollars from some friggin’ low calorie mixed drink.

Now, I love Bethenny, and I love a lot of people who say all the time that they don’t drink or watch TV (Kathy Griffin, for example, mentions it in like, every chapter of her book, and every stand-up show she does), I’m just saying maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to COOL IT.  Let me diet for a week in peace!

Resolutions!

Since I still have under two hours before the first week in 2011 ends, I thought I would mention some of my resolutions for the new year. At the moment I have, I dunno, upwards of 15 resolutions, so I will spare you the personal ones that read like quotes from your old AIM profile circa ’02 (“Dance like no one is watching! Love like you’ve never been hurt! <3”) and just share the fun, frivolous ones.

One of my big problems is that I buy these cool, fashion-y pieces and then never wear them (guys, my lyfe is so hard!!!). When I pick them out in the store I have such big dreams for them (The fabulous parties! The dates in trendy restaurants! Oh, the wonderful things you’ll see, Betsey Johnson Dress!) and then I just end up circulating the same 3 outfits all year. Well, no more!  My resolution is to start wearing all the clothes, shoes, and accessories that I never or rarely wear.

The lonely Juicy Couture shoes that sit neglected in their box.

I can’t just put it on and watch Sex and the City reruns by myself, either. I have to go find the fabulous parties and dates to wear these poor forgotten souls just like I promised them at the store. Like this sad sparkly blazer:

This Silence and Noise blazer's sparkles start to dim from sadness caused by my irresponsible neglect.

I told her she’d see NYE parties, and instead I’ve only worn her here. That’s just not fair. The items in this closet are about to see the life they were destined to lead.

You can only see the top of my closet because my mom would be soooo mad if I showed you how messy the floor looked.

Which brings me to my other resolution- clean and organize my closet!

To recap:

1. Wear all unworn still-nice clothes.

2. Find fancy parties and dates to wear them to!

3. Organize closet.

I’ll take pictures and blog about it!

…..provided I actually accomplish any of these things.