HeTexted.com: The Saddest Corner of the Internet

Recently, I’ve realized that Facebook is passing some major judgement on my lifestyle, as all the ads they post for me now involve cleaning supplies and services, rehab facilities, and general websites involving where and how to find a boyfriend. I knew that Mark Zuckerberg had a feminine face, but I didn’t know he was my mother– amiright, ladies? HA-CHA-CHA-CHA! (I’m working day and night on my Catskill/1980’s female comedian hybrid character, so I don’t even have TIME to date).

The other day Facebook suggested this little gem, and in the process, insulted my intelligence:

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HeTexted.com has 3 components: A blog, a forum where you can ask for boy advice and people can respond and vote whether he’s “into you” or not (democracy hard at work!), and “ask a bro.”

Besides invading Iraq looking for WMD’s, I literally can’t think of a more terrible idea than this website (guys, how smart did I just sound?). Women and girls don’t need a forum to over-analyze men together from across the globe.

I understand that sometimes you need advice from your friends. I ask for it a lot and I love to sit down with a gal pal and draw out a venn diagram or a pro’s and con’s list over some Sauv Blaahhhh to decide if we should break up with her boyfriend. However, as I get older I have begun to realize that just because they’re your friends, doesn’t mean they give sound advice. If I have trouble figuring out if my friends can be trusted with my romantic problems, how can I be assured that these faceless, internet dum-dums know what they’re talking about?

Just judging by their blog, it doesn’t seem like you should trust this website.

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First sentence out of the gate: “Let’s talk girl crushes.”

No. Don’t. I can’t stand this phrase. Just say what you actually mean– you think this woman is cool and pretty and you would like to be friends with her. You don’t have to add a “no-homo” stamp of clarification. Nobody thinks you plan to go Orange-is-the-New-Black on her lady bits. Unless you do, in which case it’s just a crush.

Already I don’t feel good about these people. Next post:

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NOPE! NOOOOPE! A bad Sex and the City reference (“Single and the City” is arguably redundant) coupled with a New Girl picture? These are a bunch of 22 year-old girls with brand new journalism degrees, sitting around Starbucks in their H&M blazers, blogging and taking selfies hashtagged #riseandgrind. I’m sure they could tell you how to highlight your eyes like Kim Kardashian (hint: it involves NARS blush in Albatross), but putting your love life in their young, stupid hands is not advisable.

And do women really need advice on guys? Deep down, don’t you already know what’s up? Like this girl:

20130822-102607.jpgThis is just depressing. Is asking the audience really necessary here? And they’re all like this. A lot of the questions seem to be from teenagers, but just as many are definitely from women who are at least in their 20’s. There are just so many things that your time would be better spent on than sitting at a computer obsessing over guys. If you find yourself obsessing, you can do what I do to get my mind off of it: listen to a podcast or meditate or drink a bottle of wine and sing through the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode after your apartment’s quiet hours, aka just doing me.

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Shows I’d Like You to Watch, Please

Here are some shows I’d like for you to watch so they don’t get cancelled… because I’d like to continue watching them. I’ll just buy all of you Nielsen boxes. Just leave your address in the comments section.

New Girl, Tuesdays at 9 on Fox
I had some LOL’s watching the pilot- it’s quirky and fun. The only gripe I have is that conveniently, Zooey Deschanel’s character, Jess, is best friends with a model who’s friends are all models. Because God forbid we get through a whole show without featuring women with unattainable good looks. The classically beautiful looks that Zooey possesses aren’t really doing the trick. Nice face, not enough boob-age.

HAPPY ENDINGS Wednesdays at 8:30 on ABC
Happy Endings is really witty, with some fun plot lines (everything is just fun to me… I’m such a specific reviewer). Casey Wilson, formerly of Saturday Night Live, plays Penny and is straight up a national treasure. Sometimes I think the comedic timing of a few of the other characters is not quite there (I wish they only casted legit comedians and not hot actors- the dialogue is difficult to deliver, and the actors who play Dave, Brad, and Alex aren’t always on top of it). Overall, though, it’s definitely worth watching.
Parks and Recreation Thursdays at 8:30 on NBC
Don’t you even get me started on Parks and Rec. Show is flawless. As far as national treasures go, if Casey Wilson is, like, Mount Rushmore, then Amy Poehler is the Statue of Liberty. Entertainment Weekly did a whole cover story on the show saying it’s the best show on TV, which I agree with. I just want this show to go on forever and ever and ever. It has the humor of 30 Rock, but with much more heart and relatability. I know this isn’t a new find, but I just want to remind everyone to watch it. I’m watching it right now!! Byeee!