10 Karaoke Songs and What They Say About You

Back in college, I used to emcee at a karaoke bar. Though I only worked there for a month, I experienced more in that month than most 20 year-old’s should experience in like, two months. During that time, I picked up some lessons along the way, including:

1. If at your job, the new, older security guard who looks like Channing Tatum asks you out upon meeting you, it really is too good to be true. It’s possible that he might smile and you’ll realize he has a missing tooth or maybe he’ll end up getting fired on his first day for calling your manager a bitch. Or both! Yes, surely both.

2. Just because one of your managers has a newborn and says he’s sickened by the men who harass you while you’re trying to work, doesn’t mean he won’t tell you that he thinks he never should have gotten married, and you’re the only one he’s told, and you’re so mature, and do you want to get a drink after work?

And lastly,

3. Everyone sings the same handful of songs.

So, using all of my professional expertise, here are the 10 Karaoke Songs Everyone Sings and What They Say About You:

Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa or Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain:

2CD Shania TWAIN - up (zafoliowana)You have a delightful sense of humor and are something of a feminist, interested in uniting the women of the bar, if only for 3 minutes. While we all drunkenly shout through the chorus as one, we are singing for our oppressed sisters around the world who do not have the freedom to hold a GirlZ Night for themselves.

All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers: You’re a boy in your mid-twenties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your girlfriend’s best friend’s birthday party. I will hand it to you though, everyone gets hyped for the “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” part.

Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin: You’re a man in your mid-forties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your wife’s best friend’s birthday party. It’s a night out of the suburbs where every wife gets a Moscato and every husband gets a Jack and Coke!

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: You have no self-awareness.

Take Me or Leave Me from “RENT”:

cd-rentYou are a former or current musical theatre kid who will go up and sing no less than 3 times in one night, use all the vibrato you can muster, and then sit in a booth in the back while you complain about how sad it is that any person singing who isn’t you thinks they’re doing really well.

Don’t Stop Believing by Journey or Santeria by Sublime: You have no creativity or imagination.

American Pie by Don McLean or Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin:

led-zeppelin-stairway-to-heaven-albumYou have narcissistic personality disorder and have no regard for other people’s feelings or happiness. I always had the courage to save a room from a 10 minute Led Zeppelin hostage situation and pull the plug on the mic after a verse and a chorus, but not every karaoke emcee is as protective over their audience.

So, based on your favorite karaoke song, what kind of person are you? Honestly, I don’t care as long as you don’t sing Hallelujah. 

The Sound of Music Live: A Wine Soaked Recap

You know, I wasn’t hotly anticipating NBC’s Live from LA it’s The Sound of Music! telecast. I just didn’t understand the why’s and the how’s of it all. I even missed the first half hour of it while I was busy catching up on my favorite gay fantasia, Coven. But by the time the episode finished, my glass of limited edition Three Buck Chuck Nouveau was not yet empty, so I decided to check it out. And, wow. Sometimes you don’t know what you want, so the Universe just gives you what you need. 

I think I really went through something while watching this, so I’ll show you my live-tweets, so you get an in-the-moment sense of what happened:

1617So, already I feel like I’m watching The Sound of Music, something I’ve seen a million times, with fresh eyes.

symbolismBut, right? Liesl’s in love and everything’s roses and gazebos at midnight, then one day he’s a Nazi! Like, two minutes ago he was singing about how he’s going to take care of her and now suddenly he is really comfortable with throwing her entire family on a train, and I can tell you, it is NOT going to Clarksville, okay?? Little Marta is going straight to a camp where you do not make lanyards and Rolph won’t even think twice about it because he’s already taken up with some Aryan tart! MEN!!!

Yikes, someone get this girl a Sleepytime tea!

Onward…

Then at some point, this little sliver of Broadway perfection waltzed her way onto the screen and into my heart:

tumblr_mxd5k1p3921rxhmkko1_250

benantiThen Maria goes back to the Abbey (oh, sorry, are you wondering what my thoughts are on Underwood? I think her deadpan line read was oddly comforting and took me right back to every mediocre community theatre production of The Sound of Music that I saw throughout my childhood. Loved it).

abbey 1

Then Maria comes back from the abbey because Audra McDonald’s like, look, sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but you totally can. And then she says you can’t swear off men just because the guy you’re into is marrying someone way better than you. Which I’m guessing is what inspired all those Sex and the City episodes, but if you have half a brain you know that Big leaves Natasha and goes with the blonde woman by the end, anyway.

working girl tweet

Then things took a turn.

benantiiiApparently, I thought it was okay to start roping people I don’t even know into my feminist tirade:

gibbler But leave it to Ronan Farrow to ground us all back in reality.

ronanThen it was 10:30 and I had to go to bed because this thing is way too long. It takes her a half hour JUST TO GET TO THE CHILDREN. I didn’t need to know there was a problem like Maria, just totally unnecessary to the plot except that all those nuns allow for some extra parts for female actors, so I take it all back. 

But I’d say my biggest take away from this television EVENT was:

clarkson Right?