This is a rewrite of how the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” should go. Please share and subscribe!
Well, we had to take a week off from W&W, but now we’re back with a little shake up:
Dara is now joined by new co-host, Kathryn Gallagher!
Why did Gabi leave?
Is Dara impossible to work with?
Was she sent to live on a farm full of other podcasters she could play with?
Did Gabi decide to take a crack at a second career and is now too busy taking night classes in mortuary sciences at the local community college?
You’ll have to listen to find out!
Meanwhile, WINE: Friexenet cava WHINE: Kathryn Gallagher
Tweet us at @wineandwhinepod, @kathryng, and @daralaine and tell us what you think of Wine and Whine 2.0 (#WW2).
Back in college, I used to emcee at a karaoke bar. Though I only worked there for a month, I experienced more in that month than most 20 year-old’s should experience in like, two months. During that time, I picked up some lessons along the way, including:
1. If at your job, the new, older security guard who looks like Channing Tatum asks you out upon meeting you, it really is too good to be true. It’s possible that he might smile and you’ll realize he has a missing tooth or maybe he’ll end up getting fired on his first day for calling your manager a bitch. Or both! Yes, surely both.
2. Just because one of your managers has a newborn and says he’s sickened by the men who harass you while you’re trying to work, doesn’t mean he won’t tell you that he thinks he never should have gotten married, and you’re the only one he’s told, and you’re so mature, and do you want to get a drink after work?
3. Everyone sings the same handful of songs.
So, using all of my professional expertise, here are the 10 Karaoke Songs Everyone Sings and What They Say About You:
Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa or Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain:
You have a delightful sense of humor and are something of a feminist, interested in uniting the women of the bar, if only for 3 minutes. While we all drunkenly shout through the chorus as one, we are singing for our oppressed sisters around the world who do not have the freedom to hold a GirlZ Night for themselves.
All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers: You’re a boy in your mid-twenties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your girlfriend’s best friend’s birthday party. I will hand it to you though, everyone gets hyped for the “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” part.
Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin: You’re a man in your mid-forties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your wife’s best friend’s birthday party. It’s a night out of the suburbs where every wife gets a Moscato and every husband gets a Jack and Coke!
I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: You have no self-awareness.
Take Me or Leave Me from “RENT”:
You are a former or current musical theatre kid who will go up and sing no less than 3 times in one night, use all the vibrato you can muster, and then sit in a booth in the back while you complain about how sad it is that any person singing who isn’t you thinks they’re doing really well.
Don’t Stop Believing by Journey or Santeria by Sublime: You have no creativity or imagination.
American Pie by Don McLean or Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin:
You have narcissistic personality disorder and have no regard for other people’s feelings or happiness. I always had the courage to save a room from a 10 minute Led Zeppelin hostage situation and pull the plug on the mic after a verse and a chorus, but not every karaoke emcee is as protective over their audience.
So, based on your favorite karaoke song, what kind of person are you? Honestly, I don’t care as long as you don’t sing Hallelujah.
Full disclosure, I did catch the tail end of the Justin Timberlake performance, but the rest of my information was gleaned through tumblr GIFS, so I have a lot of questions.
- Lance Bass is to *NSYNC reunion as Michelle Williams is to Destiny’s Child reunion? And do you think the blonde Michelle Williams could have done a better job as a replacement in both performances?
- Is Justin’s bald dancer with the manicured beard just as sexy as Justin himself OR is it just Dancer in a tux with an undone bow tie that’s seducing/confusing me? I’ve been grappling with this since JT’s last SNL performance and I’m no closer to an answer.
- I’ve said this before, but this is Jimmy Fallon’s world and we’re just living in it. Like, it is carte blanche for that guy. I love Jimmy, but when did fanboying at every VMA show and recording summer anthems with kazoos on a Macbook become business as usual?
- Is Richard Simmons living the best life of all?
- Between Katy Perry’s
grillsgrillz(?) and Miley Montana, there was a fair amount of cultural appropriation, and it’s not okay… BUT, was Katy’s punishment that they looked like braces with pastel elastic bands for Easter? As for Miley, can you blame someone for not knowing what a minstrel show looks like when they’ve received their education on the Disney lot in 20 minute increments between wig changes? Sure. Probably.
- I get the distinct feeling that if it weren’t for some Growing Pains hush-money there might’ve been some old statutory rape charges on Robin Thicke’s record.
- Gaga, aren’t you tired?
- So, Miley….. I don’t think it’s fair that we as a culture sexualize young women then ridicule them when they act sexually. If we ridicule her for anything it should be that she’s an awful dancer with blind confidence. Sidebar: there is no way that Liam Helmsworth is still about this, right?
On a final, related note…
- How mad is Christina Aguilera that people once made such a big deal over “Dirrrty?” Seems like peanuts now, doesn’t it?
I know people complain about the choices Rihanna has made in the past because she is a role model to young girls, but in fairness to Ri-Ri, she is a young woman herself. Who will be her role model now that her role model is gone…. gone….? I mean, good lord, look at this:
I will be your role model.
I will be your body guard.
I will be your long lost pal.
Doo doo doodoo, doooo doo doodoo
Seriously, this bums me out. Oprah, are you too busy mentoring Lindsay Lohan to monitor Rihanna’s clothing choices and incriminating Instagram pictures? Between this and writing a Twin Peaks Broadway musical adaption, it would appear that I have to do everything myself.
So, hypothetically, would any of you fund a Kickstarter to raise money for my celebrity home for wayward girls? Basically, between general education classes we would watch repeats of 30 Rock and before bed I’d read them excerpts from Hillary Clinton’s Living History until we all fell asleep with visions of Eleanor Roosevelt dancing in our heads. My dad and a salt and pepper haired Steve Carrell would serve as the girls’ mentors and stable father figures (ps. does anyone have Steve’s contact info?).
Look, the home hasn’t even opened yet and my father is already giving Rihanna the validation and support she needs! (I swear this text is real and unsolicited).
Apparently, the song had something to do with this being a woman’s world, but clearly this is Cher’s universe and we can only be but grateful to be sleeping under the same moon and stars. The woman has paid her dues many times over, and if she wants to live out the twilight of her life looking Rufio from Hook, then we have no business stopping her. May God Bless and keep that rooster-headed drag queen.
I found this music video on Jezebel.com this morning and I can’t stop listening to it while moving my shoulders in a suggestive manner as I obsessively refresh Twitter in my matching pajama set.
Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor) is a 16 year-old girl from New Zealand, and, like, good for her or whatever, but I’m 24 and have a cool blog I do for free, so I guess she and Jackie Evancho aren’t the only child prodigies in this world. I have some other really impressive things happening for me, too. Yesterday, I figured out how to game the Chipotle system* and last week I invented putting an egg on my leftover steak burrito bowl for breakfast.
Am I gifted?
Listen, I’m just trying to live my life like any normal kid.
*Order online, check off the “guacamole” option, then in the special instructions ask for it on the side. They will get confused and give you guac both on the bowl AND on the side, but only charge you for one. Remember not to jump off your roof, though, because when you pull this off, you’ll think you can fly.
Happy Friday, one and all. Here’s a little treat for you as I get ready to run out the door to my generic brand Ballet Barre workout class, Pop Physique:
My friend from college is an amazingly talented country singer/songwriter, and she just released the music video for her song, “Home.” If you like the songwriting of Taylor Swift, but you don’t like the sound of a burlap sack full of cats sinking into the Hudson River, then you will love Caitlin Linney. Seriously, watch the video or find her on Spotify. She’s the next big thing, and I won’t say that for just any friend because all of my friends aren’t talented, and I don’t like to encourage any undeserved confidence. I’m a really good friend.
In the same vein of Barbara Walter’s 10 most fascinating people of 2012, I would like to announce the person I’ve found to be most fascinating to me this year:
Now I realize Karmin is actually a group comprised of two engaged people, but for all intents and purposes it’s really just one person, the pretty lady. Even Rolling Stone doesn’t want to waste time acknowledging them as two people.
My fascination with them/her is with her ability to keep this charade going that her fiance isn’t a totally useless entity and why she hasn’t just started giving him the wrong locations or times to their gigs and appearances. The fact that she is dragging this out is really annoying me. Is she really so loyal that despite how obvious it is that she’s the real star of the group, she’s going to let him hang around?
I feel like he just started out as someone who could play background music and do harmonies while she sang in those Youtube videos, and then when she told him she thought her stage name should be Karmin, he was like, that’s a weird name for a band, but okay I guess we can call ourselves Karmin, and she felt too guilty correcting him.
But ma’am needs to loosen up those morals because this is starting to bug me. Like, I was never a big Lizzie McGuire or Hilary Duff fan back during the time that she must refer to as her pre-baby glory days. Besides the fact that I thought Disney was insulting my preteen intelligence by trying to pass Hilary off as a singer, I couldn’t stand the implausible moral high ground that Lizzie was always taking. I didn’t watch many episodes, but the only one I can remember is when Lizzie gets discovered as a model but gives it up because she didn’t get to spend enough time with her friends and they were getting disappointed. Karmin is Lizzie right now. Being way nicer and moral than anyone is expecting of them.
The only reason why some high powered music exec hasn’t told her “you’re great, kid, we wanna sign you, you’ll be a big star! Just lose the boy!” which movies and TV have taught us is how the music industry works, is because Ellen Degeneres discovered them. Ellen, her morals, and Converse shoes probably gave birth to Lizzie McGuire herself. She would never make Karmin get rid of her useless, straight fiance just in the name of fame and making logical sense.
This just seems so obvious to everyone but the lady-half of Karmin. Also, who would pick their friends over modeling, and why is this a relevant lesson Disney felt the need to teach children? Why are they trying to create less models and more friends? Still so stupid after all these years.