Thoughts on the VMA’s From Someone Who Didn’t Watch the VMA’s

Full disclosure, I did catch the tail end of the Justin Timberlake performance, but the rest of my information was gleaned through tumblr GIFS, so I have a lot of questions.

  • Lance Bass is to *NSYNC reunion as Michelle Williams is to Destiny’s Child reunion? And do you think the blonde Michelle Williams could have done a better job as a replacement in both performances?20130827-123226.jpg
  • Is Justin’s bald dancer with the manicured beard just as sexy as Justin himself OR is it just Dancer in a tux with an undone bow tie that’s seducing/confusing me? I’ve been grappling with this since JT’s last SNL performance and I’m no closer to an answer.
  • I’ve said this before, but this is Jimmy Fallon’s world and we’re just living in it. Like, it is carte blanche for that guy. I love Jimmy, but when did fanboying at every VMA show and recording summer anthems with kazoos on a Macbook become business as usual?
  • Is Richard Simmons living the best life of all?20130827-123232.jpg
  • Between Katy Perry’s grills grillz(?) and Miley Montana, there was a fair amount of cultural appropriation, and it’s not okay… BUT, was Katy’s punishment that they looked like braces with pastel elastic bands for Easter? As for Miley, can you blame someone for not knowing what a minstrel show looks like when they’ve received their education on the Disney lot in 20 minute increments between wig changes? Sure. Probably.20130827-123220.jpg
  • I get the distinct feeling that if it weren’t for some Growing Pains hush-money there might’ve been some old statutory rape charges on Robin Thicke’s record.
  • Gaga, aren’t you tired?20130827-123151.jpg
  • So, Miley….. I don’t think it’s fair that we as a culture sexualize young women then ridicule them when they act sexually. If we ridicule her for anything it should be that she’s an awful dancer with blind confidence. Sidebar: there is no way that Liam Helmsworth is still about this, right?

On a final, related note…

  • How mad is Christina Aguilera that people once made such a big deal over “Dirrrty?” Seems like peanuts now, doesn’t it?
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I Love You, Tom Selleck

As a child, I had some eccentric interests and behaviors. I know there’s a picture of me floating around in the 5th grade wearing bindi on my forehead and kissing a wooden post on a jungle gym, in an effort to mimic both Gwyn Stefani and Mary Catherine Gallagher at once. Whimsical and economical with my time– how did my parents get it so right with me?

My choices in preteen heart throbs were also whimsical. Obviously I loved the usual Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ and Leonardo DiCaprios because I wasn’t so weird that I couldn’t function in normal society, I just also was a secret freak who enjoyed the gentlemanly appearances of:

Tom Selleck:

Tom in “Three Men and a Baby,” one of my favorite childhood movies other than the “Look Who’s Talking” trilogy.

I was told liking Tom Selleck was weird, but I just think I had the sensibilities of 45 year old. To say “had” is misleading. I definitely still do.

Chris Hardwick from “Singled Out”:

Do you even remember this show? I shouldn’t, I was 7 when it came out, but I’m a 90’s savant.

This was the best picture I could find of Chris in his ‘Singled Out’ days, and he’s actually exceedingly handsome now that he’s not rocking the 90’s male lesbian haircut.

Giovanni Ribisi:

Again, I didn’t know that finding Giovanni attractive was weird until my mother pointed it out recently. I think I find it attractive when men talk like a developmentally delayed child.

And this last one… I shouldn’t tell you think last one, just like my father told me I shouldn’t tell anyone that I think the Olympics are boring, but here it is:

Steve Buscemi:

Now, I know why this is weird. It concerns me, actually. But he doesn’t look so bad in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ does he? I’m sorry, I’m trying to minimize this. I looked at his IMDB page to try and figure out where this vague crush originated from, and the only thing I can think of is it must have started about here:

He hosted when Third Eye Blind was the musical guest!! That must be it!

….

I’m a monster.

Summer Check List: See a Concert

One day (I’d wager it’s probably at least two full presidential terms from now) on the eve of my wedding, I’m going to sit my fiance down and make him watch me dance and sing along to Gin Blossom’s ‘Hey Jealousy.’ I’ll know we’re meant to be if after 3 and a half minutes of that he’s still wants to spend the rest of his life with me–until his 20 year old mistress doth part us. It’s the perfect test because on Sunday I saw the Summerland tour with Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms, Lit, Marcy Playground, and Everclear… and let’s just say I was a sight. I sang along to ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ like I was serving up some Say What? Karaoke realness on MTV’s Spring Break.

{Marcy Playground}

I thought it was a great concert, though we left early before Everclear performed because… I don’t know, it’s Everclear.

{Sugar Ray}

I actually can’t remember if I thought Mark Mcgrath was a hottie back in the day, but I tell you, when you see him live on stage… let’s just say he wore those white pants like Labor Day ain’t never gonna come!

 

VMA Recap

To make one thing clear, I normally don’t care about the VMAs, but this year’s performance was so uncomfortable, that I felt it was worth mentioning.

Do we just let this woman do whatever she wants, now? My number 1 question about this whole thing is if the producers had any idea she would be doing this, let alone staying in character for the entirety of the VMAs.

This brings us to a more important question of did the producers of this show actually spend more than a week preparing this? Did they have an intern write out the nominee introductions 20 minutes before the show on a cocktail napkin? Did they tell Lady Gaga that she “had 15 minutes to just fill with whatever and please don’t tell us what it is we want to be surprised?”

Then…

Katy Perry! Who do you think you are? What a rude hat to wear at an awards show! Who cares about the less famous people sitting behind you, right? Also, is that shirt something you stole from one of the Rugrats? Get out of here.

BUT, other than how messy the whole thing was and how uncomfortable Lady Gaga made me, there were bright spots.

It pains me to say that for the last couple years it’s looked a lot like people were just taking Britney to appearances, propping her up and letting people take pictures. At the VMAs, though, she had a little life behind those eyes. Also, and I can’t be sure, it looked like she had a little tear in her eyes during the tribute performance. Maybe I just wished she did.

Katy Perry, are you embarrassed? You should be. Jessie J sang Firework like the Fierce Angel of Belting she is, and put you and your cheese hat to shame. If you like Katy Perry, but you really, really like people with talent, you’ll just love Jessie J.

Oh, Queen B. I’ve always liked Beyonce, but that performance was royalty. Then that mic drop. The pregnancy pants. That laugh and head tilt. I can’t even.