Monster High Dolls, or The Down Fall of Mankind

Whitney Houston and I agree on 2 things: the children are our future, and crack is delicious.

You got me on the crack! I do not know if crack is delicious. I do know that crack is -in fact- whack. But Whitney and I are still on the same page about minors, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but our future is looking a little promiscuous. A tit-tle promiscuous, if you will.

How do I know this? I have eyes and a brain that is not only functioning, but arguably pretty rational at most times (except those times when I’m facebook stalking you and your new girlfriend for a full hour. Two hours.) and that’s all I need to see that things have changed since I was a wide-eyed innocent.

I hit up my local Toys R’ Us recently to buy a toy for a little girl- now, this girl (age 6) asked for a Monster High Doll for Chrismahanuwanza, and I, being out of touch with children’s recreational equipment trends, did not know what a “Monster High Doll” was.

Apparently strumpets with a great weave are really popular this holiday season:

This is Monster High student Clawdeen Wolf. Her hobbies include “waxing, shaving, and plucking” and “flirting with boys!” She is also supposed to be 15. 15!

Now, before I blow a gasket, let’s take a look at a popular doll of the 90’s…

The Babysitter’s Club dolls. Some of their favorite hobbies are dressing age appropriately and killing it as small business owners. I’m not saying my generation of young women who grew up playing with dolls like this are perfect, but I have a feeling we’re better off than the kids who are playing with a doll that wears thigh high socks.

So, I thought about getting this little girl a different doll, but the problem was they all just looked like variations on Pussycat…Dolls. I mean, the Bratz dolls as we all know were the original hookers, but all the other dolls were dressed like that, too! The best thing I could find was this Jackie Evancho doll:

But, like, c’mon. I’m not so high and mighty that I’m going to ruin this kid’s Christmas. It might be at Toys R’ Us, but it is obviously targeted towards the middle-aged gay or female doll collector demographic.

So, the only option I had left was to get the least offensive doll I could find.

Of the ones left on the shelves, this one had the most clothes on and at least wrote in a journal, which is promising.

So these Monster High Dolls are really popular right now, but I can’t imagine that teaching pre-pubescent 6 year-olds that they should be waxing their legs to attract men is a good lesson. OR, that at 15 it is acceptable to wear a belly shirt and tutu (which, let’s be real, is not an acceptable fashion choice at any age) or that you should dress that way to go to school because school is really just a means to meet guys, not learn.

I hate to get all soapy boxy on you (and now for using the phrase ‘get all soap boxy on you’), but this just does not bode well for our future. I’m not asking Mattel to start turning out Genderless City Council Representative Barbie or anything, but at least give parents more of an equal opportunity to find toys that won’t prime their daughters to be part of the future cast of Teen Mom 32. Though I do think a Teen Mom Barbie would be kind of funny. In a strictly novelty-item-from-Spencer’s-Gifts kind of way.