Why My Mom Shouldn’t Miss Me

So, I thought my mom was missing me when I saw this on her Facebook: Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.42.08 PM

{Her computer at work}

But it would appear that circumstances have not improved, as this is what her Facebook profile looks like now:

Screen shot 2013-07-09 at 9.40.35 PM

{Maybe blurring out her name was unnecessary… but, whatever, just don’t stalk my mom, okay?}

The profile picture is me at The Bluebird Cafe in Nashville, taken on our road trip to LA, and her cover photo is of us on St. Patrick’s Day 48 hours before we left for said road trip (I’d like to add that my hair is a particularly fuh-resh shade of brilliant, copper red right there. I always get the roots touched up before St. Patty’s because that is the one day of year when I. AM. QUEEN. Suddenly evvvverybody loves a red head on Irish Day. Where were you people the other 364? Spare me your Jessica Rabbit childhood anecdotes. It is too little too late, friend).

Now, Mom, I know it must be hard for your oldest child to move across the country, but I feel like I have to remind you that I wasn’t that great to live with, anyway. Sure, I’m fun to go to the mall with and I know how you like your white wine spritzers (half Sprite, half Ginger Ale with a floater of Pinot Greeg that after your first sip will be watered down with more Sprite and Ginger Ale, and garnished with a jar of maraschino cherries), but there are plenty of reasons why your life must be easier now that I’m out of the house, like:

  • I never move the coffee table back when I’m done my exercise videos. It’s kinda heavy and my Jillian Michael’s videos make my arms feelz like Jell-oz!
  • Related: I make you do exercise DVD’s while I drink a glass of wine and yell that you’re doing it wrong.
  • From the Desk of Lynne Sussman: photo-1-8
  • I don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste even when the cap is attached to the toothpaste.
  • The cereal bags always end up ripping straight down the middle when I try to open them.
  • You get mad at me for drinking from all the communal beverages in the fridge (I still don’t see the big deal).
  • You must be saving a fortune from all the 2 Buck Chuck and Greek yogurt you don’t have to buy.
  • No one’s trying to make you eat quinoa anymore.
  • “It’s your tone” -Lynne Sussman

and finally/apparently….

  • I “don’t know how [I] sound sometimes.”

See? I’m pretty much the worst.

Although, who will drive hours with you just to go on binge eating field trips?

IMG_0501We are literally the only people I know who will drive an hour to the beach just to eat and go back home! Oh, Mumsie, I miss you (though I don’t miss you coming into my room screaming at 6am because you can’t find the comb).

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Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Now that my mom and I live in different time zones, I constantly have to worry about her spoiling my favorite shows.

These are some texts from last night. I think she’s beginning to understand the sentiment #SorryImNotSorry…. she’s so hip.

photo 1 photo 2

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!

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How Mom is Adjusting to Life Without Me

Since I’m no longer on my mother’s couch watching the Jodi Arias trial when my mom gets home from work everyday (instead, I’m on my couch in LA watching the Jodi Arias trial when my roommate gets home from work everyday), I’ve been getting a lot of texts from her checking in.

You are about to read original texts from my mother, complete and uncut:

For a little background, I sent my mom home with the brand new GPS my dad bought me because I thought it was defective. Apparently, a quick once over of something called “directions” would have proven that the GPS was, in fact, completely functional.

photo 2-1 photo 3-1This next group of messages occurred after I told my mother I was going to a bar called The Den, an establishment once frequented by my confirmed (by my mother) soul mate, Jason Segel.

Please take note of the fact that it is 3 hours later than the time stamp where my mother is in NH:

 photo 1

So, besides the text I got from my brother the other day informing me that my mother was crying over my inevitable death in an earthquake, I think she’s doing okay. Until she remembers about California brush fires.