My Perfect Man

Sometimes I wonder if my friends think that maaaaybe I’m a lesbian. Not that my friends have never seen me dating a guy before, but just recently I have been so beyond picky, that I can almost feel them thinking “okay, what’s wrong with this guy?”

I just have a really particular picture of my perfect man, and I think it would be a long shot to find my type in a bar. I read The Secret and they said to write an exhaustive list of what you want in a guy so the universe attracts him to you, but then Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker said making a long list is too picky!

This is my list of what I want in a man that is either slowly attracting him to me or keeping me single forever:

  • Sense of humor. And by “sense of humor” I don’t mean he enjoys other people laughing at his jokes. It’s a back and forth, and he better like my half-assed Drew Barrymore impression.

Dream Men

  • Goal oriented. I need a man who knows what he wants to do with his life- he doesn’t have to stick to it, but he has to have a direction. If he doesn’t, I’m going to end up giving him all sorts of unsolicited advice about how much potential he has and what kind of career path he should take. (Although, maybe a guy with no goals is nice because I’d prefer a stay at home dad instead of a nanny).

"Up All Night" stay-at-home-dad

  • Is okay with my parents living in a guest house in the back yard.
  • Cute enough where I find him attractive, but not so cute that he can go out and find someone better than me. But I don’t know why he’d even try to find someone else because NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE HIM LIKE I LOVE HIM, SO HE BETTER NOT TRY. An-y-waaaays.
  • Someone who treats my friends as nice as he treats me. (Seriously, guys, if you treat your lady’s friends well, you are in like Flynn. Buy her best friend a beer, or a slice of pizza when you’re all out late after a bar trip. You want the best friend on your side, and it makes you look classy).
  • Someone who will watch my gay television programming with me. This includes, but is not limited to: RuPaul’s Drag Race, Real Housewives of Anywhere, Bethenny Ever After, play the drinking game with me on Watch What Happens Live, etc. etc. They say that girls want to marry a guy like their dad, and my dad’s favorite show is American Idol and can give you informed opinions on every Housewife. I fear I won’t ever find a guy who can fill that dear man’s shoes.
  • Is a feminist. I just want to watch TV with someone who can say “do they know the kind of message their sending to young girls with that commercial?!” Then we’ll chat about how women’s rights are human rights, and we’ll read from Eleanor Roosevelt’s memoir before we fall asleep.
  • Knows the difference between your and you’re. Spells ‘a lot’ as two words. I’m serious, this is so attractive.

There’s actually even more to this sickeningly specific checklist, but I will spare you. It’s a nice list to start with, so if you know anyone like this, the “Contact” tab is above. Thank you and good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.

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Unsolicited Dating Advice From Someone With No Qualifications

I fancy myself to be the Carrie Bradshaw of the suburbs who likes to write about dating and lives with her parents and doesn’t go on dates… I think that might be the nice way of describing me. I’m probably a little closer to Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker– a lot of opinions, but nothing to actually show for it (Sorry, Patti, you had me seasons 1-4 when you were at least engaged. Now that in season 5 you are just straight up single, we are in the same boat in terms of being unqualified to give dating advice. Except I’m about 25 years younger than you and still have a shot at happiness). Anyway, I feel like my opinions are right- they’re all pretty much tested and analyzed in my Beautiful Mind/computer-like brain.

Anyway, here’s just a little tid-bit that I have told everyone who will listen. This is golden. The secret to your happy life is just one scroll away.

Marry someone less attractive than you. You can date a hottie, but don’t get serious. This is for 2 reasons: First, knowing that your husband is prettier than you means you will always be afraid that he will upgrade because he can get anyone he wants. Eventually, your low self esteem and distrust will end up sabotaging the relationship. Second reason is that your first instincts are right and he probably is cheating on you.

So let’s say you can snag this guy. He is on your level looks wise:

Good for you. You must be very attractive. And gosh, I know how much you want to wake up to Ryan Gosling biting his collar every morning for the rest of your life, but trust me, it doesn’t pay off in the end. Instead, he’ll probably drop you at 45 for a 25 year old. Problem is, men just get more distinguished as they get older. You look 45. You’ve also had his children and you won’t bounce back from that. He did this to you and now he’s leaving you for someone who’s boobs don’t sag because of him. Now you have to go back into the dating world. You wonder if your Match.com date is really a con man who’s going to push you off the cruise ship on your honeymoon. You thought you were a good judge of character, but obviously, you were wrong about Ryan. You now sleep with one eye open.

This is now your life or you could have just married this guy:

Skinny Seth Rogen. First, take note that this is Skinny Seth Rogen. You still have to be attracted to your husband or he has to have the potential that after a few dates and some witty conversation he will be attractive to you. Now, I know he doesn’t look as good as Ryan does with his hand shoved in his armpit. I get that. But tell me, would you prefer to have a man that knows he absolutely cannot do better than you or a guy who goes out and all female/gaymale eyes are on him? Like, your own sister would probably cheat with your Ryan-type husband. And you can’t blame her, can you? But S.S.R. will be with you always. He will still love you when your hot tamale tattoo turns to a sad carrot tattoo-stretched and wrinkled from your post-childbirth yo-yo dieting.

Certainly, it is every woman’s God given right to date someone super hot with abs you eat leftover Cheesecake Factory samplers off of on major holidays. But I implore you, do not marry this man. It only leads to heart break. Look at Eva Longoria. I can promise she is more attractive than you. Jennifer Anniston. That woman is so likeable. Reese Witherspoon. REESE WITHERSPOON. You have no shot. Just break up with your hot boyfriend while your tattoo is still sitting on it’s intended location and not 3 inches lower. Or let it go another inch and a half and then break it off. Skinny Seth Rogen will still be waiting for you when you’re ready and he will love you forever no matter where that tattoo ends up.