Thoughts on the VMA’s From Someone Who Didn’t Watch the VMA’s

Full disclosure, I did catch the tail end of the Justin Timberlake performance, but the rest of my information was gleaned through tumblr GIFS, so I have a lot of questions.

  • Lance Bass is to *NSYNC reunion as Michelle Williams is to Destiny’s Child reunion? And do you think the blonde Michelle Williams could have done a better job as a replacement in both performances?20130827-123226.jpg
  • Is Justin’s bald dancer with the manicured beard just as sexy as Justin himself OR is it just Dancer in a tux with an undone bow tie that’s seducing/confusing me? I’ve been grappling with this since JT’s last SNL performance and I’m no closer to an answer.
  • I’ve said this before, but this is Jimmy Fallon’s world and we’re just living in it. Like, it is carte blanche for that guy. I love Jimmy, but when did fanboying at every VMA show and recording summer anthems with kazoos on a Macbook become business as usual?
  • Is Richard Simmons living the best life of all?20130827-123232.jpg
  • Between Katy Perry’s grills grillz(?) and Miley Montana, there was a fair amount of cultural appropriation, and it’s not okay… BUT, was Katy’s punishment that they looked like braces with pastel elastic bands for Easter? As for Miley, can you blame someone for not knowing what a minstrel show looks like when they’ve received their education on the Disney lot in 20 minute increments between wig changes? Sure. Probably.20130827-123220.jpg
  • I get the distinct feeling that if it weren’t for some Growing Pains hush-money there might’ve been some old statutory rape charges on Robin Thicke’s record.
  • Gaga, aren’t you tired?20130827-123151.jpg
  • So, Miley….. I don’t think it’s fair that we as a culture sexualize young women then ridicule them when they act sexually. If we ridicule her for anything it should be that she’s an awful dancer with blind confidence. Sidebar: there is no way that Liam Helmsworth is still about this, right?

On a final, related note…

  • How mad is Christina Aguilera that people once made such a big deal over “Dirrrty?” Seems like peanuts now, doesn’t it?

5 Things You’re Too Old for Now

I’m nearly 24 years old now, and though that apparently makes me an adult in the eyes of everyone but the rental car industry, I sometimes forget that I’m not a teenager anymore. It happens every so often, like when my ID gets the once over at the liquor store, and I have to remind myself that it was legally issued to me by the government, not for $60 by a BU sophomore THAT NEVER EVEN WORKED FOR ME ONCE!

Drinking openly at brunch is certainly a perk of adulthood, but there are a few things I took for granted when I was a kid that now I’m just too old for, like:

  1. I’ll never be a child prodigy. If someone discovered me to be outrageously talented at something Oprah wouldn’t even care; as an adult you’re just supposed to be talented by now. No one is making collectible dolls out of Susan Boyle, meanwhile little Jackie Evancho Barbies sit lonely on Toys ‘R Us shelves at Christmas. Maybe Ellen Degeneres will care if I’m a 24 year old speed rapper, but it’s not the same.

    This looks like a fun romp. Hey, Godfrey!

  2. Being unemployed is no longer acceptable. Suddenly everyone is an amateur sleuth asking a million questions about what you do for work. It’s a bad economy- just leave it alone, okay! I miss the days when I could pass off huge gaps in my resume as a time when “school was my full time job.” I did eat tapas on dollar nights at Masa like it was my job, but I don’t think I ever spent 40 hours a week on homework. Those were romantic times.

    This could have been me!!!

  3. The ship has sailed for me and Teen Mom. Not that I wanted to be on Teen Mom, but I like keeping my options open. Now I have to wait another 15 years until I’m age appropriate enough to pursue my “Wife” fallback career, be it House, Army, or Mob. Not a girl, not yet a woman. 
  4. I’ll never be shipped off to my distant aunt’s house to tame my wild ways only to unexpectedly have the best summer of my life when the dreamy 17 year old orphaned ranch hand and an unruly horse named Thunder teach me how to love again after tearing down the walls I built up during my secret struggle with illiteracy (BIG BREATH). Turns out, I didn’t mean to wander on to the old, neighborhood curmudgeon’s private property, I just couldn’t read the “no trespassing sign.” Ahhh, what could have been.
  5. Getting up early on Saturday’s to watch TV is now out of the question. There are times when I think that if the fire alarm went off in my house, I’d need a second to decide if it was really worth getting out of bed. The idea of something like Saved By the Bell having the power to get me up before 8am on a Saturday is so bizarre that I can’t believe at one time in my life I was that excited about anything, let alone Mario Lopez.

I hope this was uplifting.

Nudie Texts

I think my blog is a pretty good resource for any guy who would like to date me. I mean, just go back in the archives and you’ll find some solid advice on how to win my heart. If there are any stalkers out there, I would suggest that you print out my posts, make a binder, and study that like it’s finals week. One day, you can pretend to bump into me at Barnes and Noble, know exactly how to impress me and win my heart, then just when I let my guard down you can skin me alive and wear my face as a jaunty little hat.

With that said, I have another piece of helpful advice to add:

Don’t ever ask me to send you a nudie text. I won’t do it. And then I’ll think you are a predator.

The reason for this– and this is not to slut shame anyone, because you know I’m all about feminism and doing you– but I want to be B-list famous, and don’t you forget it. If I have some nudie picture floating around in some guy’s SIM card, I would think and obsess about it every day. I would probably marry this guy just for a solid confirmation he wouldn’t sell it to TMZ when I hit it medium.

A picture of me on Perez Hilton would be my nightmare because:

1. I’m not an orphan.

2. Tina Fey would be so disappointed in me.

Is this insight into my psyche and how my thought process works kind of terrifying? Or, like, charming? In the sense that I think this far ahead into a hypothetical future where Tina Fey takes me on as her mentee because she wants a red headed protege that finally makes her proud… Ughhh, I think I answered my question. That I’m adorable.

Sarah Hyland

Sarah Highland

You might recognize Sarah Hyland from TV’s Modern Family, but her most notable work was probably The Olive Garden commercial where she plays a middle class teenager going out to dinner with her mother and grandmother. A must see.

Hyland looks like the 20 year old love child of Vanessa Hudgens and Mila Kunis, and I can’t wait to see more from her… whether it’s in a Nicholas Sparks movie or when she and Miley Cyrus inevitably become besties and grow into their roles as the next generation of hot messes.