7 Bits of Advice for Young Girls

1. You don’t need to dress up to go to the mall. You don’t need to be loud and draw attention to yourself at the mall. When you get older and see little mall rats in belly shirts it will make you question whether you ever want children. Seriously, I don’t think you guys understand how annoying you are at the mall.

{I know you think this is what you look like when you dress up to go to the mall, but Rachel McAdams was 26 or 27 right there…. you probably don’t look this good. Sorry.}

2. There’s no reason for you to take a picture of yourself or your friends in the bathroom. This includes on the toilet and in a mirror.

3. If you get into a good college and your dummy boyfriend doesn’t, don’t go to his crappy school because you want to be with him… Seriously, I’m gonna kill you if you do that.

{Don’t you remember? Topanga gets into Yale, but doesn’t go cuz Cory doesn’t want her to. Good one, ABC.}

4. This next bit of advice is c/o my mother, which can be applied to everyone, but particularly Young Girls: Don’t write anything down/take pictures of/record anything you wouldn’t want everyone to see. This includes nudie texts and facebook statuses.

5. That Bob Marley poster makes you look like an a-hole. Take it down. You’re a white girl from the suburbs (I’m assuming), and you have no idea what you’re talking about. We get it, you smoke weed sometimes when people offer it to you for free at parties. Relax.

6. Here’s some advice from my dad, which also applies to everyone, but particularly to Young Girls with punk-y/ugly boyfriends they keep around just so they have a boyfriend: don’t rely on a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy, (get a hobby or something, jeez) and then a significant other becomes a nice  compliment to your life. If you can do this, then you won’t feel the need to date every moron who comes around still wearing the sticker on his hat’s visor.

7. You don’t need to dress like a slutty ________ on Halloween. We’ve all done it, but from experience, you’ll stand out more if you make your own cool costume.

{My friend Michelle and me, Halloween circa 2009. We did not get much attention for our costumes: Under Dressed Circus Master and Under Dressed Mardi Gras Attendee}

{2011… we got a lot more compliments on these homemade costumes… and free drinks! Young Girls, you can still get free drinks whilst fully clothed}

There you have it, Young Girls. Advice you should take if you’d like to some day look back on your adolescence and not cringe. Should I get involved in Big Brothers/Big Sisters? I’m that good, right?

An Open Letter from Lindsay Lohan

OMG, omg you guyyyys. Look at this letter Lindsay wrote to me for the NH Union Leader!!

Dear Dara,

As you know, Raven Symone is an avid reader of your blog, and she forwarded the link to the open letter you wrote me. I have to say, I was a little hurt at first. I was defensive, and I felt like you didn’t have to use that picture of me with my eroded Tic-Tac teeth.

I realize now that you were only trying to help me, and I think I owe you an apology and a thank you. You have always stuck by me- look at this picture of us circa 2007:

I want to be that Lindsay again. A Lindsay you can be proud of.

I finally stepped up and completed my community service at the morgue and took some responsibility, which is exactly what you knew I needed. I begged Lorne Michaels to host SNL, and though I know I was a little rusty, I hope you realize that The Real Housewives of Disney was all for you.

I know I should have died my hair red for that night- I could hear your prayers for it like we were twins- I Know Who Killed Me twins, not Parent Trap (and only you understand the difference)I thought I could keep the blonde, but you were right- red hair reminds everyone of an innocent time, right before Wilmer Valderama came along and ruined everything. Red hair is what the people want to see.

Now look at me:

This is me, red headed and ready to work. Red-y to make a Lifetime movie about Elizabeth Taylor. And I have you to thank for your continuous support, and I’m sorry this comeback took so long. I know I almost lost you there, but when I found out even you were doubting me, that’s when I hit rock bottom.

And from there, the only place I could go was up.

God Bless,

Lindsay

xoxoxo

[Update: It has come to my attention that some readers think this is real (including my Dad, which if this happened, obviously I would have called and told him through tears of joy and relief). It should also be cleared up that Raven Symone is not actually an avid reader, but if you know her, please pass this along because I do feel this blog is so Raven.]