Peter Pan Proposal Video

Normally, I am not impressed by viral Youtube proposal videos. It just seems a little narcissistic to me. Yes, the proposer has put time and effort into making this grand gesture, but is it all about creating a romantic experience for your partner or about making it to the homepage of Buzzfeed?

I don’t know how I want to be proposed to, but I do know it would not involve the following:

  • Engagement rings tied to dog collars.
  • Flashmobs
  • Howie Mandel pranking me.
  • Singing of any kind.
  • Anything pertaining to high altitude including, but not limited to: hot air balloons, sky writing, or Denver.
  • Sporting events, with the exception of Michael Vartan proposing on a pitcher’s mound at a high school baseball playoff game.
  • Rings hidden in food or beverages.
  • Any sort of public place that puts us at risk of being applauded.

I’m a simple girl who would be happy with just a sweeping declaration of how amazing I am, set in a whimsical location probably equipped with some sort of outdoor lighting, ie: twinkle lights, lanterns, etc. The scene where Freddie Prinze Jr. professes his love for Rachel Leah Cook by the pool in She’s All That comes to mind. (A Never Been Kissed andShe’s All That reference in one post?! Someone call Alicia Keys because this girl is on fire!!!)

With all that said, this Peter Pan proposal video is the weirdest, most entertaining thing I’ve seen in the last 7 hours which means a lot because I spend Monday through Friday looking at all of the internet until nothing is left. Watch it and then see if you agree with my highlights:

  • Giant dog pulling focus.
  • Is this a steampunk rendition of Peter Pan where they sing “You Raise Me Up” at curtain call?
  • If this is how loud Jane cries when she’s being proposed to, how loud will she cry when her youngest child leaves home for good or when she watches her elderly mother descend into senility?

Ah, love! Ain’t it grand?

 

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Happy Valentine’s Day

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“I was going to give you this when I got home from work, but I decided you might have already hanged yourself by then.” -Dad
Happy Valentine's Day

(An Alex and Ani bracelet my dad gave me today. Yes, that’s an adult, human wrist and not the bare bone of a 3 year old!)

Don’t you worry, kittens, I’m not actually bitter over Valentine’s Day. My dad is my Valentine every year, so I have no reason to complain. I’m even wearing red today and started thinking about my future wedding. I decided that my future fiance and I will include in our vows that if things get too difficult, we promise to get a divorce instead of poisoning the other slowly with their morning coffee and 20 drops of Visine. Based on what I’ve seen in episodes of 48 Hours: Mystery, this might be a conversation more couples should be having. Like, look, if you have someone on the side, please just divorce me, I won’t be that mad, and you don’t have to pay me alimony. Just don’t suggest we go on a cruise to save our marriage, then drug me with a handful of Lunesta and throw me off the back of the ship. And I will promise you the same. Forever and ever, Amen.

But, if you’re just looking to kill me for the insurance money, I guess I don’t have much of a say in that.

Happy Valentine’s Daaaay!

P.S. Here are some posts from last years V-Day:

Valentines for Single People

5 Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day

And an essay my friend wrote for Hello Giggles about her experience on Millionaire Matchmaker.

 

Thoughts On: Young Marriage

My new, not at all ironic obsession is with The Wendy Williams Show.

This woman is insane. She has literally no boundaries- she ‘tells it like it is,’ (in the same way that every Real Housewife of Anywhere ‘tells it like it is.’ Which is essentially just a friendly euphemism for ‘she’s a bitch’). Despite how she comes off, she’s a really intelligent business woman with some good insight (but that insight is wrapped up in crazy like some unstable pigs in a blanket). The other day she was giving her opinion on why Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced- he’s in his late 30’s and is ready to settle down, while Katy is only 27, and, “marriage is not for women in their twenties.” She said it’s mostly because a woman gives up too much to raise a family, and you should be having fun, drinking cosmos or whatever.

Let me just say, the following opinion is only my opinion for me, but I’m with Wendy on this one. I mean, maybe it’s because I live with my parents and in my head I still think I’m 16, but I feel like if I tried to get married tomorrow they would ask me for a parental consent form or something. I feel like marriage isn’t even an option right now, and if I did get married, some blogger would call me a Courtney Stodden child-bride (and finally, the universe would give me a taste of my own snarky, obnoxious medicine).

The average age of people getting married has gone way up in the past few decades, and I think a lot of people don’t want to get married young because they are working on building their career. That is part of the reason why I’m not interested in marriage for, like, another…. 7-12 years…. but even if my only goals were to live with my parents until they could sell me off to some guy with a dowry of some goose down pillows and silver candlesticks, I still wouldn’t be interested for other reasons.

A leading reason for me is that you have to share a room with someone. Not just someone, a boy. A messy, smelly, boy. And, if you don’t feel like talking to anyone after a long day, you can’t just go to your room and be left alone- they can follow you in there! And you can’t say anything because it’s their room too. And they can look through your stuff because it’s their stuff now. Blecccchh, that sounds like the worsssst.

Even in my fantasies where I live in LA and meet some adorable Ben Wyatt-y type (who loves comedy but isn’t in comedy) and we fall madly in love and he proposes, it ends up being just the preface to the real story where I tearfully break his heart after getting the call from Lorne Michaels that I’ve been cast on SNL. Then the real love story begins when celebrity guest host, Jason Segel, and I fall in love while we spend long nights together as I write a muppet sketch for him for the Saturday show.

My before bed fantasy stories are very lengthy and plot driven with three acts and an inciting incident.

Did that fantasy paragraph make me sound insane? I probably don’t have to worry about getting married, ever, if any single, eligible men read this blog. I hope Jason Segel doesn’t read this.

Unsolicited Dating Advice From Someone With No Qualifications

I fancy myself to be the Carrie Bradshaw of the suburbs who likes to write about dating and lives with her parents and doesn’t go on dates… I think that might be the nice way of describing me. I’m probably a little closer to Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker– a lot of opinions, but nothing to actually show for it (Sorry, Patti, you had me seasons 1-4 when you were at least engaged. Now that in season 5 you are just straight up single, we are in the same boat in terms of being unqualified to give dating advice. Except I’m about 25 years younger than you and still have a shot at happiness). Anyway, I feel like my opinions are right- they’re all pretty much tested and analyzed in my Beautiful Mind/computer-like brain.

Anyway, here’s just a little tid-bit that I have told everyone who will listen. This is golden. The secret to your happy life is just one scroll away.

Marry someone less attractive than you. You can date a hottie, but don’t get serious. This is for 2 reasons: First, knowing that your husband is prettier than you means you will always be afraid that he will upgrade because he can get anyone he wants. Eventually, your low self esteem and distrust will end up sabotaging the relationship. Second reason is that your first instincts are right and he probably is cheating on you.

So let’s say you can snag this guy. He is on your level looks wise:

Good for you. You must be very attractive. And gosh, I know how much you want to wake up to Ryan Gosling biting his collar every morning for the rest of your life, but trust me, it doesn’t pay off in the end. Instead, he’ll probably drop you at 45 for a 25 year old. Problem is, men just get more distinguished as they get older. You look 45. You’ve also had his children and you won’t bounce back from that. He did this to you and now he’s leaving you for someone who’s boobs don’t sag because of him. Now you have to go back into the dating world. You wonder if your Match.com date is really a con man who’s going to push you off the cruise ship on your honeymoon. You thought you were a good judge of character, but obviously, you were wrong about Ryan. You now sleep with one eye open.

This is now your life or you could have just married this guy:

Skinny Seth Rogen. First, take note that this is Skinny Seth Rogen. You still have to be attracted to your husband or he has to have the potential that after a few dates and some witty conversation he will be attractive to you. Now, I know he doesn’t look as good as Ryan does with his hand shoved in his armpit. I get that. But tell me, would you prefer to have a man that knows he absolutely cannot do better than you or a guy who goes out and all female/gaymale eyes are on him? Like, your own sister would probably cheat with your Ryan-type husband. And you can’t blame her, can you? But S.S.R. will be with you always. He will still love you when your hot tamale tattoo turns to a sad carrot tattoo-stretched and wrinkled from your post-childbirth yo-yo dieting.

Certainly, it is every woman’s God given right to date someone super hot with abs you eat leftover Cheesecake Factory samplers off of on major holidays. But I implore you, do not marry this man. It only leads to heart break. Look at Eva Longoria. I can promise she is more attractive than you. Jennifer Anniston. That woman is so likeable. Reese Witherspoon. REESE WITHERSPOON. You have no shot. Just break up with your hot boyfriend while your tattoo is still sitting on it’s intended location and not 3 inches lower. Or let it go another inch and a half and then break it off. Skinny Seth Rogen will still be waiting for you when you’re ready and he will love you forever no matter where that tattoo ends up.