How to Not Hate Everything

20130711-105020.jpg

Sorry for this whimsical tumblr-eque picture. I promise I won’t start streaking my hair with pastel chalk and transcribing scenes from The Virgin Suicides for my zine. This little kit-cat just illustrates my constant inner monologue so effectively.

You see, today, I decided to wear my Zooey Deschanel-y dress and a little extra make-up than usual in an experiment to test the theory that if I look cheerful and put together on the outside, then I will feel less like a potential arsonist on the inside, thus setting myself up for a wonderful day as a working woman. Instead, I got lost on my way to a job I’ve been driving to for the last two weeks. All I know is that I was giggling along to my favorite podcast Throwing Shade until suddenly I looked around and realized I didn’t recognize my surroundings anymore. I should have been 15 minutes early, and instead walked in exactly on time at 8:30. Despite the stressful commute, the day is turning out to be fine (yes, I’m still at work, but don’t worry, I’m writing this while I make like Ross Gellar-I am on a break. [did that work? No? What about if I said, “that sweater is a little Jason Biggs on you?” I guess that’s not so much a joke as it is just bastardizing the name of an American treasure…Sorry, it is unfair to be testing out material on you, readers. Moving on]).

Okay, back to work.

Stay in school, kids because you won’t know how to collate and staple performance inspection forms effectively without a $100,000 private university education.

Sent from my iPhone

How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

A Day in the Life: Sephora and Churros

Date: 3.31.12 (a Saturday)

Morning: This day started in the same way all my days start when I have to go to work later– a total blur of complaining until everything goes dark and then I eventually come to, wearing head-to-toe black standing in a grocery store or a restaurant.

2pm: On this particular day I woke up in the newly renovated wine aisle at Market Basket. For 3 hours I stand at a table hanging out wine samples while I fake laugh at middle aged people until I can’t remember what real laughter feels like and I wonder if I’ll ever smile with genuine happiness again. Then I calculate how much I owe in student loans bills and then I realize that I probably would have been qualified enough to pass out wine at the grocery store with or without a bachelor’s degree.

5pm: My dad picks me up from work and we meet my mom at a Mexican restaurant for dinner (and if you’re one of those people who’s wondering, “Dara why do your parents still drive you to work at 23 years old,” or “Gee, Dara, you seem to spend a lot of time with your parents,” ya, I get it. Keep it to yourself).

5:15pm: This starts making the rounds through my bloodstream–

5:45pm: And another…

6:00pm: Churros in my belly.

6:45pm: We go to the mall, and my dad and I go to Burton’s for a drink… but Burton’s is full! No bar chairs! I don’t stand around at a mall restaurant bar.

6:50pm: We try Red Robins… we see all the ladies wearing jeans with no back pockets and men in Tapout shirts and realize we just can’t do it and turn right on back around.

6:55pm: Finally. Unfortunately. We head over to Joe’s American Bar and Grill, which I worked at for a hot second but then quit 15 minutes before my waitressing test. I didn’t want to run into any employees I knew, but times were desperate, and so I popped my collar, messed my bangs in front of my face, put my head down, and b-lined to the bar. Luckily, no one still worked there from when I worked there, except for one manager that I effectively eluded. Dad and I drank our margaritas in peace.

8pm: I make my way to Sephora for some Super Market Sweeps style shopping. When I was a kid I always wanted to go to Toys R’ Us and run through the aisles with a cart for 5 minutes picking out everything I wanted (I think I saw kids do that on Nickelodeon) (Babysitter’s Club dolls for daayyyyz). The closest I’ve come to doing that is every once in a while when my dad get’s a bonus, he lets me and my mom go to Sephora and buy a bunch of stuff. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. The margaritas were just a prelude to the main event.

{A little sample of what I got: NARS The Multiple stick, Bare Essentials bronzer, Anastasia eyebrow pencil, Benefit under eye highlighter, Sephora liquid eye liner, Make Up Forever HD foundation}

9:05pm: I finally finished shopping, and paid for it with my dad’s credit card while he and my mom got pretzels (going all out).

9:10pm: I realize I ‘forgot’ (3 margaritas make you very forgetful) to use my 15% off coupon. Sephora was closed, so I scratched on the door like a cat until they let me back in, and I apologized profusely through tequila breath while they returned all my make up, and then rang it all back up again with the discount.

Thanks for the fun date, daddy and mommy!

Obsessed With: Anastasia Perfect Brow Pencil

If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be:

1. We’re all okay.*

2. Don’t ever date a stand up comedian.

3. Don’t over pluck your eyebrows.

*Actually, it was Jewel who wanted to tell you that. I, personally, think we’re screwed. Enjoy this beautiful weather we’re having– we’ll all be under water soon.

Numbers 2 and 3 were sound advice, though.

Eyebrows are something you really need to be careful with. If you over-pluck, a perfectly attractive face can suddenly look like it belongs to an extra in a whore house scene on SVU. An even bigger risk is that your eyebrows might not grow back. I remember in middle school, there was this weird trend where girls would pluck off half of their eyebrow (I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean that like they’d literally pluck off the second part of their eyebrow. The tail to the shooting-star, if you will). May God bless those girls and bestow them with the ability to grow back the other half of their eyebrows.

Women, don’t be afraid of an ample brow, and don’t hesitate to fill them in a little, either.

I use Anastasia’s Perfect Brow Pencil in Strawburn, $22 from Sephora and Nordstroms because it’s the business.

I just like to draw ’em in like this is third grade art class and then comb them out with the little brush. It makes everything even and perfect and lasts all day and blah blah blah. Basically, I’m one step closer to this girl:

Eyebrows 4dayyyz. Give in to it, ladies!

In My Purse

Here’s what’s in my purse:

Somewhere around 5 dollars in change. A pastime of mine is to hoard change in an animal crackers plastic gallon jug, and then eventually use it for gambling money. Just know that your coins are not safe left out around me (your cash is fine, it’s not like I have a drug problem, and I need money for crack…. I realize, though, that it might sound like I have a gambling problem. I do not [but that’s what they all say. {but really, I don’t.}]).

6 kinds of lip gloss/stick/chapstick. Loyal readers will know that I like to keep my lips supple and protected from sunlight at all times.

Nivea lotion. I would say this is closer to Crisco than just a plain moisturizer, but I like to keep my elbows feeling like 600 thread count sheets.

Rice paper oil-blotting sheets. Because all the moisturizer on my lips and elbows just seep out of the pores on my T-Zone. It’s like a BP oil-spill situation on my forehead. Just drop me in a fish tank and they’ll all start floating to the top.

Eye-lash curler. Instead of making more time to get ready before I go out, I like to clamp something metal dangerously close to my eyelid then point a wand caked in black sticky chemicals near my cornea while I drive… so this always just ends up in my purse.

A credit card pouch. Because I rarely carry cash, (and when I do, I like to leave it floating around in my purse in rolled up receipts) I don’t really need a full wallet. I just like to drop anything the size of credit card in here and then shuffle through the deck like this is Reno until I find my debit card or ID.

JCrew bracelet. This has no place in my purse, but it’s been in there since Christmas. If I keep all my jewelry in my purse, then I always have it (there was actually about 7 more pieces of jewelry in there just tangled up in one big ball of cheap Forever 21 metal).

Fortune. Sadly, this really was in my purse.

One Year Anniversary

Brunch for Every Meal’s actual one year anniversary was last month on the 8th, but I think I got too tied up watching TV to write about it.

Since last year I’ve made it to 78 followers so far, and I bought myself a little reward for hitting my 75 followers goal. Please consider following this blog via email or WordPress, as I have set a new goal of 100 followers and I really want an excuse to buy myself more stuff.

I bought myself the Urban Decay ‘Naked’ palette for $50. Definitely worth the money– who doesn’t like a nice earth tone? Nazis or communists, probably.

Anyway, I wanted to thank some of you for reading, commenting on, and sharing this blog. One loyal reader is my Aunt Janet. She sent me this note along with a sewing book:

This note made me laugh. I think I am the Steven Tyler of blogging. Not everyone gets me, but that’s not always necessary to enjoy my music. Thanks for reading, Auntie Janet.

Other thanks to people who have helped me make this blog the paltry success that it is by  sharing it on twitter/facebook (in no particular order):

Michelle N., Kate R., Erin S., Riley W., Allie F., Kallie R-S., Jillian L., Theresa M., Ian M.,  Michelle A., Molly O., Rachel R., etc….  It’s really helpful when people share my blog- I get a huge bump in page views, and with each view I am one step closer to having Amy Adams  play me in a movie. Also thanks to adamsdaughter and brookeandmackenzie for putting me on their blogrolls.

So, I haven’t reached the success of Cupcakes and Cashmere or even The Bloggess, so I QUIT. Just kidding I’ll give it another year tops, and then I’m out of here, suckers!!!

My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you like that blog post title? That’s my clever ploy to get the traffic from all the people googling the lyrics to that song. Sorry, you won’t find them here! But please, read on despite my trickery.

To the real information: I think one of the most depressing things in life besides like, dying, is the time spent celebrating holidays right after you grow up but before you have little kids. During this time, the magic is all gone from the holiday until you have kids of your own and can experience the holiday through their eyes (but no pressure to have kids and stuff. This is not a blog that feeds into social conventions, no sir. Live your life, okay?)

Sure, there’s some new, fun things about the holidays when you’re young and fabulous- sparkly red dresses and the excuse to get tanked like, every day between Thanksgiving up until New Years, but I don’t think it matches the happiness of being a kid and getting presents from your gift list.

When I was a kid I remember getting so pumped when the new JCPenny toy catalogue would come in the mail, and I’d chill out in the bathroom for like, an hour and read it. Getting a ton of frivilous presents was expected. It was okay for me to make lists, actual lists of things I didn’t need. Last year I think I got some Crest Whitestrips… like, I asked for them, but still how depressing that this is what my life has come to?

Anyway, this year I’m going to make a list with no real expectation of getting anything, but I figure it’s like a little vision board? I’m attracting presents into my life! Here’s some things I want (it is important to note that I will accept these gifts from anyone, hint hint Northern New Hampshire Male Correctional Facility 😉 ).


{Hunter Rain Boots, $125. I feel like these are an investment- I had to throw out my cheapish J.Crew ones because they started to leak. Ya know, rain boots have ONE job to do. Not to look cute, just to keep water out and it’s crazy how few of them actually accomplish that.}

{Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray, $39.99. It’s kind of expensive for hair product, but I read in Allure once that Mary Kate and/or Ashley used this at a shoot and told the stylist they were “stealing it,” so I’m all in.}

{Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook $20 on Amazon. Momofuku is a trendy-pants bakery in NYC where they sell things like cereal milk ice cream or something and chocolate chip cookies with pretzels in them. This book teaches you how to make all that and more, including something called ‘crack pie,’ so I need to know what that’s all about.}

{Fancy Coat. This one is from Piperlime.com for $109. I need this mostly because I bought this fabulous/ridiculous faux fur hat that I can’t wear with a North Face. Also, apparently huge parkas aren’t appropriate to wear for every single occasion, like weddings, funerals or clubs.}

{Limited Edition Urban Decay Book of Shadows Gift Set, $64. I will also happily take any of the cheaper gift sets, this one just comes with a portable speaker… which I’m not sure that I need or can use (I don’t have an iPod, and my iPhone speakers are nice and loud) but I want it anyway!!!}

This is just a working list, of course. I probably want more stuff.

Blistex Deep Renewal

One thing I can’t stand is when people are delusional about their looks. Not their looks overall, like ugly or pretty, but when someone complains that their butt is too big, when in fact their butt looks fine. Now their ankles on the other hand…

Just kidding, all of God’s creatures are beautiful! I just think that people shouldn’t be afraid to own what’s super sexy about them and brag about it to everyone. If we all allowed ourselves to brag about something then it would be socially acceptable and we’d all feel pretty good about ourselves, right? Aw, man. I’m sorry if you can’t deal with how smart that was. Give me five minutes and a bottle of pinot and I could probably cure world hunger, but whatever.

So I’ll start: My lips are what the 90’s would call ‘the bomb.’ I’ve gotten some great feedback on them. There are only two problems I have with these lips, 1. It takes so much lipsticks to fill in those puppies! and 2. There is a constant fear in the back of my mind that they will get wrinkly and deflated due to age.

Now, I realize that I would only be so lucky to be old because that means I’m not dead, right? I also realize that it’s only down hill from here and after a certain point there’s only so much I can do; I will get yucky looking. Or I’ll look like the beautiful Helen Mirren, but she still has wrinkles, too. I just don’t want my poor lips to be affected. I get that when I’m 70 I will look old no matter what, but at that point I will be close enough to death where I’ve forgotten about looking good and just focused on eating as much as possible. I’m talking about when I’m in my 50’s or 60’s- I don’t think it’s too much to ask to hold onto my lips up until then.

Especially if you look at my parents. Those two have passed along some top notch DNA. No wrinkle lips for my mom. I’m very optimistic for the future.

Despite my bright horizens, I still want to take the necessary steps now to insure my pillow lipped future.
icon
I’ve been using Blistex Deep Renewal for a couple years now. It has anti-aging ingredients and the all important SPF-15. I can’t stress how important an SPF lip balm is. The other day I was taking a walk, and I felt like my lips were a little hot in the sun. I put this on and they cooled down, so I assume it was the SPF protecting me from the sun trying to steal my youth for it’s own Hocus Pocus-like benefit.

I guess I won’t know how well the anti-aging stuff worked for another 20 years or so, but it feels like putting satin on you lips, so again, I’m very optimistic.

This stuff will run you about $3 at any drugstore.

Oh hey, does anyone else want to brag about something? Maybe you’re saddlebag-less? I cannot relate but would love to hear about it. Nice teeth? Me too, but go on.

$5 Stila Foundation!

What a daaaay!

First of all, thanks to the twitter @lipstickbabes of Tried and Tested Beauty Blog I saw that Stila was having this crazy sale on 5 of their foundations that I guess are being discontinued. So of course I bought multiples of each. I’ve never used them before, but what if I love them? I’d look back at this time with bitter regret that I had the opportunity to stock pile the foundation Extreme Couponing style and didn’t. I got the oil-free tinted moisturizer, the one step foundation, and the illuminating tinted moisturizer. Unfortunately, the bronzer moisturizer was all out. If you read this in time you should click on the picture and impulse buy it for yourself! I know that I’m playing right into Stila’s game, I’m not stupid. I never would have bought 5 pieces of foundation I’ve never tried before if they hadn’t been on sale. I’m a consumer drone and gosh darn it, I love a bargain, so I was helpless against this.

Another great thing about this day: So, I was supposed to be on grand jury duty. This is much worse than normal jury duty because you have to go two full days a month for, like, 4 months with no way of getting out of it. I’m all about doing my civic duty when it in no way inconveniences me, and I can go once, pretend to be crazy or impartial, and then get out of it. Anyway, it got cancelled because of construction on the court house. This is great because it doesn’t cut into my money making time, and I went once, didn’t find my future husband (and you get the same group of people every time), so now I have no use for it.

One more thing:

This new song. I love this song.

I remember back in the day when I didn’t like Brit Brit. I was in middle school and I was too cool for school listening to Green Day and wearing my dad’s neckties like necklaces. I’d give anything to get these years back. I stand by Britney, and I just think we should all be really supportive of her. She is a fragile being, a new soul, and let’s just be cool, okay? Like, no more rumors about her using a dancing body double in her new videos. If there’s one thing we know about Brit is she loves to dance. She is the Annette Funicello of our time, and she just wants to DANCE. Brit would never use a double. She may not be good at a lot of things, like, say, singing, but don’t you dare take this from her.

Happy Tuesday, one and all. I hope yours was as good as mine. To top it off, I might go out and buy a pita wrap from Extreme Pita at the food court and get some frozen yogurt. If only every day could end in falafel and fro-yo.

e.l.f Cosmetics

I bought some make-up at Target the other day, which is gross because there’s no testers. You know that someone probably had their fingers all in the product you’re about to buy… which I know because I like to open everything and try it, so some poor soul is wiping my hand germs all over their face every morning while they put on their foundation.

The no tester situation is my only gripe with Target- have you seen those prices!? I picked up new make-up with some gift cards, and tried out one of their cheap make up lines for the products I didn’t really need but wanted: under eye highlighter to look like a Kardashian (I don’t like that Kim, but gosh darn it if her eyes don’t look mesmerizing!) and cream eyeliner.

For the cheap lines my choices were N.Y.C., Rimmel, and e.l.f.

N.Y.C. didn’t have a chance because I used that stuff at sleepovers when I was 12, so I can’t move backwards. Always evolving, people. I would have gone with Rimmel since there was a big picture of Zooey Deschanel hocking  the stuff (I’m exactly what cosmetics marketing departments are catering to, and I can accept that) but they didn’t really have anything I wanted.

Now, these e.l.f. people have no celebrity endorsements, but they did have the under eye highlighter, and the cream eyeliner. I think the highlighter is $1 and the eyeliner was $3. Nice even prices, I appreciate that.

The eyeliner was useless. It doesn’t go on as a solid color- you can see your skin through it no matter how much you apply. The concealer portion of the highlighter was also really thin, but the highlighter was fine, so you could use it with your own concealer.

The whole ordeal just made me miss Sephora with their testers and return policies and friendly sales ladies who follow you around the store to make sure you’re not stealing.