Submit a Q: What Do Women Want?

Finally, finally, ladies and gaybies, someone has submitted an advice question for the blog.

Let’s change some lives, shall we?

What do women in their late 20s REALLY want in a man? Be brutally honest.

-Auspicious in Austin

Well, Auspicious in Austin (AA), I’d like to start by saying thank you for the kicky use of alliteration in your sign-off. We can all agree that it adds a certain whimsy to this whole experience. 

Now, what do women in their late 20’s really want? Maybe I’m not fully equipped to answer this because I won’t be a woman in my late 20’s for another 2 and half months, but lucky for you, one of my great talents is speaking confidently about subjects I know nothing about.

So, this is kind of a broad question. Do you mean this in the context of what do women want so you can entice them and get their phone numbers? In this case of first impressions/surface attraction, it’s all very subjective, but I suppose my best advice is be attractive or funny. If you posess neither of those attributes, then I guess just be patient because if Yoran Van der Sloot can find a girlfriend, then that’s solid proof of there being a pot for every lid.

If your problem is that you can’t keep a woman after a date or two, then I can think of at least a few things that women are looking for:

  1. I get that you’re 33 and this might seem obvious, but do you have a bed frame or is your mattress on the floor? I thought this was basic, but I’m learning more and more that it isn’t. If this does describe your living situation, then just hit up Ikea and make the investment and I promise you’ll have a girlfriend by next week. I just had to double check.
  2. Are you still asking women to “hang out”? Have you ever heard Don Draper ask a woman to hang out? Absolutely not. You are a man now, ask a woman if you can take her out for a drink or something. And call her the first time, you idiot. These things aren’t deal breakers to women, but if you do take this advice I promise she will notice so much as to tell her friends about it.
  3. What’s your teeth situation? One time, this guy who looked like Channing Tatum asked me out, but he had a missing tooth, and that was a deal breaker. He was also a janitor. No offense to janitors. Anyway, make sure you have nice teeth. Don’t be coy with a Crest White Strip.
  4. Do what you say you’re going to do. I promise that a woman will be way more impressed if you call her to make plans when you say you will. Also, don’t wait a really long time to call and make plans between dates. Wait, you’re 33, you must have seen either a movie or TV show featuring two women talking to each other. This is, like, the only thing they discuss, so you should know we want this by now.
  5. Be transparent and upfront. Just say what you’re looking for- whether you want a relationship, whether you like her, etc. The worst part about dating is not knowing what the other person is about. I mean, a woman and her roommate can analyze a text message down to whether you used one “k” or two (“kk”) in a text (they mean completely different things in the context of dating!!!) so just don’t make her guess because I’ve probably created a really long narrative about what you’re doing and thinking from that alone. She’s. She’s probably created a really long narrative.
  6. Speaking from experience, when on a date don’t brag about doing illicit drugs with a (blind item) recently deceased addict known for singing and dancing on a Fox television show. Listening to your stories about doing “mountains of coke” in Vegas is, decidely, not what women want. Does this not apply to everyone?
  7. Be nice? I guess that’s what people want, but I think women fall under the “human” category.

So, this was helpful to no one. Bummer for you, AA. Good luck!

If you want some advice, head over to the “Submit a Question” page at the top of the blog and I can be of no use to you as well!

That’s Plenty, Thanks

That’s plenty:

  • Feather hair extensions. 
  • John Mayer. (Hasn’t Jennifer Aniston been through enough?!)
  • People referring to their boyfriends as “the boy.”
  • Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. 
  • Reality stars wearing bandage dresses. We can’t all look good in bandage dresses!
  • Skinny Perez Hilton. He somehow set a new benchmark on how upset I am by newly thinned out celebrities. The scale is now from a Skinny Seth Rogen to a Skinny Perez Hilton, with Skinny Al Roker somewhere in the middle. I’m offended by how angular his jaw is. 
  • ‘Spirit Animal’ jokes. (But if we’re keeping track, Sally Draper is my spirit animal [but not Kiernan Shipka, who I think is a leetle too proud of herself]).

    Stop encouraging her, Jon Hamm.

  • Anchorman 2. Just when everyone gave me some peace and stopped quoting Anchorman 1, Anchorman 2 is coming out. Young white men, you have already ruined this movie for me. 


This vision of class was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night:

Mariska Hargitay, you keep doin’ whachu doin.’