Last week Kim Kardashian was on an episode of the NPR game show podcast “Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me” which is a dumb podcast that is not as good as the less appreciated NPR game show podcast “Ask Me Another.” Kim was an utter delight, but NPR listeners freaked out that she and her voice were not worthy of being inside their elitist ear holes. And to them, and every other person who still makes fun of Kim, I say “YERRR BASICKKKKK.”
Still calling someone basic might be considered basic, but I think basic is a word we need in the English language. It’s timeless, and I think if you want me to eradicate this word from my repertoire, you might as well ask me to give up words like “love,” “God,” and “America.”
So, yah basic, Kiki haters. I was once one of you for sure. I never watched anything in the Kardashian kanon until the Caitlyn stuff happened and I still have no idea if Dash is a real store. I judged Kim sight unseen because of the sex tape thing and just her whole lifestyle in general, but I have seen the light and I think Kim is great. I think she’s smart, I think she’s in on it, I think she’s really sweet, and I don’t think she’s any worse than any other celebrity out there who is making money off selling their baby’s first photo spread to People Magazine. If you’re still stumbling around telling everyone that the Kardashians are what’s wrong with this country, then go find a middle aged white male meet up group so you can discuss in peace that and how kids these days won’t stop tweeting about what they had for lunch today.
And stop kalling Khloe “the ugly one!” She’s not the ugly one, and even if she was you’re rude and basic and probably the ugly one in most social circles. BYYYYE.
Heidi, I know you probably have a surplus of vow-renewal gowns that you don’t have a use for anymore, but that is no excuse. You and Kate Upton have wasted everyone’s time.
That GAP maxi dress would have been fine if this was the Kid’s Choice Awards, Kate! Show some respect, you could have at least put a safety pin through your earlobe or done anything that would indicate you took this theme seriously.
Rooney Mara…. she seems like a fun, down-to-Earth gal, doesn’t she?
Though I’ve never been a fan of Kim’s, I suddenly have an overwhelming sense of compassion for her armpits and the armpits of women in every grocery store in America who are being subjected to this magazine cover. I realize that Kim is probably gaining this weight so she can get some sort of Jenny Craig deal after that set piece of a breathing infant pushes its way through her Kanye Kanal. If she develops preeclampsia it won’t even matter because I’m sure the line between real life and Ryan Seacrest’s SimCity has completely disintegrated at this point.
For this exercise, let’s just assume at this point that Kim has no human emotions left. So, even if a close up of her armpit on a national magazine couldn’t crack through her exterior (which I’m assuming is just one big coating of gel nail polish and melted polyester) and hurt her feelings, it’s still hurting my feelings! I’m a size 2/4. I am not Rosemary’s Babying Ryan Seacrest’s devil child. And, yet, I think I have “fat armpits” or essentially, “vagina arms.” You’d never know because I’ve become skilled at flexing whenever my self esteem smells a camera within 15 feet of me, but if you caught me walking down the street in a tank top… there they’d be. Now, thanks to InTouch, I am reminded that fat armpits are a legit concern and I WILL NEVER BE SEXY AGAIN.
Women in hair salon waiting rooms don’t need to be reminded that there is another part of their body they can hate. You know that stupid Dove commercial where they bring in that “police sketch artist” or “actor” and then they try to pass off your low self esteem as your own fault?
It’s not your fault (here’s a great counter to that Dove commercial). Because you wouldn’t know to be self conscious of your arm pits if magazines didn’t show you a picture of a beautiful, pregnant celebrity, circle her fat like a sorority sister during Hell Week, and say “EWWWW SHE’S GROSS! YOU’RE PROBS GROSS, TOO! PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR CELLULITE CREAM AD ON PAGE 78!”
Ohhhhh… okay. Kim was making a little joke! Good for you, Kim.
Well, just set up a meeting with Ryan Sea…er… “Cupid” and you two can discuss his casting decisions…. I mean…. “aim.” Just kidding @miilkkk, you will never get within 50 feet of Ry….pid…
Ok, let me preface this by saying suicide is never the answer, but if this really is the most exciting day of your life, I don’t really see many other options for you. So let’s not be so easy breezy with those hyperboles.
I’m with Kim on this one. It’s hard to fathom what TV writers are going to come up with. Just consider yourself lucky they didn’t kill you off or recast you with a cardboard cut out of yourself.
Finally! The name of the sequel to her sex tape is revealed!
Hold on, can I just throw in some Khloe for good measure?
…Yes…yes, Maude Apatow, she did. Sorry, this was all that was left over in the Female Role Model Discount Bin. Is it too late to pick Melissa Joan Hart? I’m pretty sure she made it through her 20’s without a DUI….