10 Karaoke Songs and What They Say About You

Back in college, I used to emcee at a karaoke bar. Though I only worked there for a month, I experienced more in that month than most 20 year-old’s should experience in like, two months. During that time, I picked up some lessons along the way, including:

1. If at your job, the new, older security guard who looks like Channing Tatum asks you out upon meeting you, it really is too good to be true. It’s possible that he might smile and you’ll realize he has a missing tooth or maybe he’ll end up getting fired on his first day for calling your manager a bitch. Or both! Yes, surely both.

2. Just because one of your managers has a newborn and says he’s sickened by the men who harass you while you’re trying to work, doesn’t mean he won’t tell you that he thinks he never should have gotten married, and you’re the only one he’s told, and you’re so mature, and do you want to get a drink after work?

And lastly,

3. Everyone sings the same handful of songs.

So, using all of my professional expertise, here are the 10 Karaoke Songs Everyone Sings and What They Say About You:

Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa or Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain:

2CD Shania TWAIN - up (zafoliowana)You have a delightful sense of humor and are something of a feminist, interested in uniting the women of the bar, if only for 3 minutes. While we all drunkenly shout through the chorus as one, we are singing for our oppressed sisters around the world who do not have the freedom to hold a GirlZ Night for themselves.

All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers: You’re a boy in your mid-twenties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your girlfriend’s best friend’s birthday party. I will hand it to you though, everyone gets hyped for the “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” part.

Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin: You’re a man in your mid-forties who has been forced to go to karaoke night for your wife’s best friend’s birthday party. It’s a night out of the suburbs where every wife gets a Moscato and every husband gets a Jack and Coke!

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston: You have no self-awareness.

Take Me or Leave Me from “RENT”:

cd-rentYou are a former or current musical theatre kid who will go up and sing no less than 3 times in one night, use all the vibrato you can muster, and then sit in a booth in the back while you complain about how sad it is that any person singing who isn’t you thinks they’re doing really well.

Don’t Stop Believing by Journey or Santeria by Sublime: You have no creativity or imagination.

American Pie by Don McLean or Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin:

led-zeppelin-stairway-to-heaven-albumYou have narcissistic personality disorder and have no regard for other people’s feelings or happiness. I always had the courage to save a room from a 10 minute Led Zeppelin hostage situation and pull the plug on the mic after a verse and a chorus, but not every karaoke emcee is as protective over their audience.

So, based on your favorite karaoke song, what kind of person are you? Honestly, I don’t care as long as you don’t sing Hallelujah. 

Am I an Adult?

Like I said in yesterday’s post, I turned 25 this month, and it’s strange because I still feel like I’m in high school. It’s not like I’m clinging to youth or anything, in fact, I’m excited to turn 30 in the near future. I’ve found that every six months or so I become a little less of an asshole, so I’m hoping by 30 I’ll be a real hip woman in charge of her own destiny, getting her clothes tailored, not eating as much processed foods, the whole thing.

young-adult-poster

But for now, I can’t tell- am I an adult? Let’s look at the evidence:

ADULT: I have aged out of eligibility to be on The Real World because apparently 25 is too old to catch syphilis in a hot tub while you experiment with your sexuality. What if I’m a late bloomer, huh, MTV?

NON-ADULT: Still too young to be a Real Housewife. Not a girl, not yet a woman.

ADULT: I pay rent with my own money for a townhouse with a garbage disposal, yes, garbage disposal. 

NON-ADULT: I recently cashed in an animal crackers jug full of change at a Coin Star so I would have drinking money.

ADULT: I told a co-worker how old I turned on my birthday and he said, “25! You can get married now!” Isn’t that wild? I mean, at this point, if I had a kid in a high school bathroom stall no one would give me a reality show. They might call DCF because what am I doing having a baby in a high school bathroom stall? but 25 is a completely appropriate age to get married and have a child. In the Mid-West.

NON-ADULT: No matter how old I am when I have kids, always exclaiming “this is children raising children!” is a very charming thing I plan to do.

ADULT: Another thing about kids- I’m at least mature enough to know at what time a toddler should be in bed and not at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival among half a million people. That would be all of the times. When I went this year it was after 11pm and I was very surprised at the toddler to screaming drunk people ratio.

NON-ADULT: At 8pm on a Sunday I locked my keys in my car and waited until 1am to ask AAA to get them because I was late for karaoke. Somebody, quick! Give me a baby to raise! I might accidentally lock them in the back seat, but I promise I’ll fish them out after last call!

ADULT: I got my oil changed all by myself this week!

NON-ADULT: I didn’t get my oil changed all by myself until I was 25 year old.

Welp, I am no closer to an answer, but at least I have enough self awareness to limit the amount of times I say the phrase “quarter-life crisis.” That counts for something, right?