Amanda Knox Has a Boyfriend and I Don’t…

…now, let’s find out the “why” of it…

Tuesday night I live tweeted CNN’s Chris Cuomo interview with Amanda Knox. Here’s what ensued:

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.41 AMStill true.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 8.59.53 AM Cuoms was being really uncool.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.05 AM“WELL THE THEORY IS THAT YOU’RE A BIG SLUT/MURDERER, HOW COULD THEY COME UP WITH THAT IF YOU’RE NOT A BIG SLUT/MURDERER?” – Chris Cuomo and his Bachelor of Science degree in journalism
Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.18 AM …..things got a little femi-nasty.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.28 AM#tryingtohelp

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.39 AM Ya know, if it weren’t for the murder and 4 years in prison, Amanda’s trip abroad would basically be an adorable romantic comedy of errors, where a young woman experiences her sexual awakening abroad. Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.00.49 AMSoups on, and I’m stirring up trouble.

Screen shot 2013-05-09 at 9.01.00 AM Do you need a deposit slip so you can take that advice to the bank?

So, this is where I’m at right now.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!!! @daralaine

5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!

Buy This: The Gift of Fear

If you’ve been following this blog since its inception, you know that I used do some product reviews of things I liked. I stopped for a while until I just realized that I could potentially be getting free stuff in exchange for advertising.

So, small businesses and marketing departments, please send me your free wine, Luna Bars, Dove body wash, hand made Etsy headbands…. just whatever crap you got lying around in the back, and I will write about it. But, no Diva Cups; I repeat, I DON’T WANT ANY DIVA CUPS.

So, my first review is for a book that I think can save your life and the lives of thousands:

734736_f260If you like any flavor of Law and Order and practical tips on how to not get murdered, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker is the book for you.

Basically, the book is about trusting your intuition and it teaches you how to consciously predict whether someone is a violent threat to you. The first couple chapters are about how women can protect themselves from men before an attack happens, and Gavin uses real stories to illustrate his points. It is both exhilarating and terrifying, and maybe don’t read this right before bed.

He says:

“At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will murder them.”

– Gav-Gav de Becker

Basically, Gavin just gets women, and he kind of goes on this adorable feminist rant for a couple paragraphs, and full disclosure, I am in love with him. Just don’t make the same mistake I did and look at his picture at the end of the book. There’s no harm in pretending that Ryan Gosling is advocating for your personal safety.

I hope I didn’t lose the male readers, because the rest of the book is about violence that can happen to anyone and how to predict/prevent it, so basically mass shootings, stalkers, how to fire a crazy person, etc. The information is both incredibly timely, yet only includes references that date back prior to about 1997, so get ready for some pre-9/11, OJ Simpson nostalgia.

Seriously, get this book, it’s both practical and fascinating, and you don’t have to be me to like it.

Now, ‘scuse me while I get back to spending 7 hours watching the Jodi Arias trial.

Who Wore It Best: Psychopath Edition

While trying to find a live-stream of the Jodi Arias trial on my computer so I could multi-task packing for LA and enjoying the exploitation of a murder victim and his family, I stumbled upon this little nugget:

jodiWell, well, well, looks like even female murderers aren’t immune to objectification.

IN THAT CASE:

whoworeitbestI don’t knoooow, those pink handcuffs are a nice touch. When exactly did the Handcuffs for Delicate Lady Criminals line come out?

Advice to Men on How to Not Get Murdered

The only thing that comes close to my love for SVU is my love for true crime stories. I wish everyone would watch them because you learn so much about how to not get murdered. Like, I know not to go to unpopulated places at night, and at any given moment, I can name you three different objects in the room that I could use as a weapon. Sure, you live in an almost constant state of fear, or as I like to call it, “alertness,” but you are not dead and free to watch more 20/20 Investigates. Add some wine, and that, my friends, is called living.

My newest Nancy Grace level obsession is the Jodi Arias death penalty trial. To give you a quick run-down, Jodi was dating this guy, Travis Alexander, for about a year on-and-off. After they had broken up, they continued to have sex, until the day Jodi killed Travis. She traveled to his house in Arizona from her house in California, where they did the do, took naked pictures of each other, and then at some point Jodi stabbed him 27 times, slit his throat, and shot him in the face twice.

jodi-arias-600

First, she said that ninjas broke in and attacked them, but she escaped. Now, she’s saying that he was an abusive pedophile and she killed him in self-defense, but I’m pretty sure she’s a pathological liar and he never hit her. My theory is that he quickly became aware that he wasn’t interested in committing to her, but he kept her as a back-up when he wanted sex and companionship. He gave her mixed messages about his feelings, so she thought that she just had to be patient and work to win him back (which never happens). One day, she finally realized it’s never happening and that he had been using her all along, so she killed him.

Up until the murder part, this sort of thing happens all the time.

Her defense is trying to say that no one would go back to a partner that didn’t care about them unless they had some sort of battered woman’s syndrome from physical abuse. Some “expert lawyer” panelists on HLN are even saying that this makes sense! Do these idiots even watch Girls?! You don’t have to abuse anyone to make them keep coming back to you like a desperate lunatic, all you have to do is not text them for a week. And that is no justification for murder! If they let this lady off, it just sets a precedent that you can kill someone in self-defense for attacking your heart.

Now, what can you learn from this, boys? First, if someone is really into you and it’s not mutual, you should move along and let them be because they might kill you. If that’s not an option, at least pick your emotional murder victim carefully. If someone exhibits the warning signs of craziness, don’t mess with them. Getting murdered and having your phone sex sessions played in open court can’t possibly be worth the gas-station-bathroom-crazy-person-sex she is offering.

I mean, look at how dead she is behind the eyes. That is a lady you don’t screw with!

ImageProcessor She should be put away for those bangs alone! Heeeeey!