How Mom is Adjusting to Life Without Me

Since I’m no longer on my mother’s couch watching the Jodi Arias trial when my mom gets home from work everyday (instead, I’m on my couch in LA watching the Jodi Arias trial when my roommate gets home from work everyday), I’ve been getting a lot of texts from her checking in.

You are about to read original texts from my mother, complete and uncut:

For a little background, I sent my mom home with the brand new GPS my dad bought me because I thought it was defective. Apparently, a quick once over of something called “directions” would have proven that the GPS was, in fact, completely functional.

photo 2-1 photo 3-1This next group of messages occurred after I told my mother I was going to a bar called The Den, an establishment once frequented by my confirmed (by my mother) soul mate, Jason Segel.

Please take note of the fact that it is 3 hours later than the time stamp where my mother is in NH:

 photo 1

So, besides the text I got from my brother the other day informing me that my mother was crying over my inevitable death in an earthquake, I think she’s doing okay. Until she remembers about California brush fires.

Thoughts On: Young Marriage

My new, not at all ironic obsession is with The Wendy Williams Show.

This woman is insane. She has literally no boundaries- she ‘tells it like it is,’ (in the same way that every Real Housewife of Anywhere ‘tells it like it is.’ Which is essentially just a friendly euphemism for ‘she’s a bitch’). Despite how she comes off, she’s a really intelligent business woman with some good insight (but that insight is wrapped up in crazy like some unstable pigs in a blanket). The other day she was giving her opinion on why Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced- he’s in his late 30’s and is ready to settle down, while Katy is only 27, and, “marriage is not for women in their twenties.” She said it’s mostly because a woman gives up too much to raise a family, and you should be having fun, drinking cosmos or whatever.

Let me just say, the following opinion is only my opinion for me, but I’m with Wendy on this one. I mean, maybe it’s because I live with my parents and in my head I still think I’m 16, but I feel like if I tried to get married tomorrow they would ask me for a parental consent form or something. I feel like marriage isn’t even an option right now, and if I did get married, some blogger would call me a Courtney Stodden child-bride (and finally, the universe would give me a taste of my own snarky, obnoxious medicine).

The average age of people getting married has gone way up in the past few decades, and I think a lot of people don’t want to get married young because they are working on building their career. That is part of the reason why I’m not interested in marriage for, like, another…. 7-12 years…. but even if my only goals were to live with my parents until they could sell me off to some guy with a dowry of some goose down pillows and silver candlesticks, I still wouldn’t be interested for other reasons.

A leading reason for me is that you have to share a room with someone. Not just someone, a boy. A messy, smelly, boy. And, if you don’t feel like talking to anyone after a long day, you can’t just go to your room and be left alone- they can follow you in there! And you can’t say anything because it’s their room too. And they can look through your stuff because it’s their stuff now. Blecccchh, that sounds like the worsssst.

Even in my fantasies where I live in LA and meet some adorable Ben Wyatt-y type (who loves comedy but isn’t in comedy) and we fall madly in love and he proposes, it ends up being just the preface to the real story where I tearfully break his heart after getting the call from Lorne Michaels that I’ve been cast on SNL. Then the real love story begins when celebrity guest host, Jason Segel, and I fall in love while we spend long nights together as I write a muppet sketch for him for the Saturday show.

My before bed fantasy stories are very lengthy and plot driven with three acts and an inciting incident.

Did that fantasy paragraph make me sound insane? I probably don’t have to worry about getting married, ever, if any single, eligible men read this blog. I hope Jason Segel doesn’t read this.