My Journey to Accepting Lindsay Lohan

The life of Lindsay Lohan since 2010 has just been one long, disappointing follow-up segment at the end of Intervention, where you see her in treatment, and she’s all smiles and clear skin, saying how now she wants to live! and then the screen goes black, saying “two days later Lindsay checked herself out of treatment and relapsed. She has moved back in with her mother and says she’s been sober since —-.” And that “sober since” date is always, like, a month before you watched the episode so you just know it’s not true. (By the way, it took me an hour to write that paragraph because the second I wrote “follow up” and “Intervention” I said “heyyy, whatever happened to Sarah and Mikeal, the Romeo and Juliet heroin twins?” and then went on a Google bender).

My journey began with being in denial that Lindsay had a problem, to being sure that she could get better and make a comeback, to losing all hope, then gaining a little hope back when she went red again.

But yesterday she missed her call on set for The Canyons, a movie starring a porn actor named James Dean, who couldn’t think to name himself James PEAN because apparently I have to do all the work around here. No matter how much I want her to, she can’t be responsible enough to show up to her job on time or pick a movie that doesn’t involve a porn star or not do a Marilyn Monroe themed photo shoot. I have finally accepted that. And now I can embrace it.

She’s the little train wreck that could. She’s MY little train wreck. I can’t wait to usher in the holiday season with Liz and Dick November 25th.

I’m thinking viewing party and live-blogging. WHO. IS. IN???

My Small Scale Hoarding

I love reality TV which is a huge shock to no one, but what might be fascinating to no one is that I like to group my shows by theme. If a certain show doesn’t fit into one of these categories I probably don’t watch it: Middle Aged Women Fighting, Competitions That Showcase a Minimum of 2 Gay Men, Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and Southerners (the latter being recently created to make room for a one Miss Honey Boo Boo).

Hoarders: Buried Alive falls into the category Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and resides alongside Intervention in the subcategory of Things I’m Afraid of Becoming. I watch these shows and think, “hey, I might live with my parents and have no purpose in life, but at least I’m not hiding a bottle of Charles Shaw in a loose floor board in my room.” To ensure things stay that way, I like to take some precautionary measures. Like, sometimes I won’t drink for two weeks just to confirm that I can, and I never drink out of a coffee mug because if Intervention has taught me anything, it’s that once you start drinking wine out of a mug it’s all over.

To make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize I’m sleeping on a bed covered with water damaged pashmina scarves and cat skeletons, I like to go through my room and throw a bunch of stuff out that I haven’t used in a year. Yet, as hard as I try, there are some things I never get rid of because “I might use it one day,” which is like, what a true hoarder has printed up on their business cards.

I picked out some of the things that I’ve been hoarding:

 {My Oprah’s Lifeclass Journal}

I got this for free for signing up for Oprah’s Lifeclass, which is humiliating in-and-of itself. Status: Never Been Used.

 {A promotional “It’s Complicated” Wine Koozie}

I didn’t even like “It’s Complicated” that much. Status: Never Used

 {Two Hotel Room Keys from My Vegas Vacation Last Year}

I planned on scrapbooking one of these keys, but for some reason I need them both. “I’m going to scrapbook this” will go on my gravestone. Status: Never been used except for unlocking a hotel room.

 {A Stripper-y Yacht Hat}

I got this as a souvenir from the Pussycat Dolls cabaret show when I went with my mom to Vegas for my 21st birthday. Holding on to it incase I decide I need to strip my way through law school. Status: Worn once in Vegas. So yes, I wore this in public. And there are pictures. Which probably means I can never run for public office.

 {Empty Egg Carton}

This is where things get real hoarder-y. I mean, this is just straight up trash. I’m saving it for next Easter because I think it’d be cute to put some glitter on it and use it to hold mini cupcakes. But I have to hang on to it for the next year because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another egg carton by next April. Status: Used once to store actual eggs.

{Arden B. Furry Blazer}

I bought this on sale for $50 7 years ago. At the time I thought it was cute, but it turns out a 16 year old doesn’t need a blue houndstooth blazer for any occasion ever. Now I hold on to it in case I’m ever invited to a 90’s theme party so I can pair it with a teddy bear backpack and go as Amber from Clueless. Status: Still has the tags on it.

I think I really need to go throw this stuff out because as any Hoarders viewer knows, you’re only one traumatic life experience away from living in a messy fort made of broken dreams and empty Activia containers.

Meet the Future of the Adult Entertainment Industry

I think it’s obvious that we’ve allowed some of America’s children to slip through the cracks. And guess what those kids find in those cracks? Actual crack. If these tiny forgotten souls manage to escape the drugs, they might just end up stripping or in porn. Where I’m sure there’s a lot of crack. It’s a vicious cycle, beginning and leading to crack.

To give you a better example of the kinds of kids that end up in porn or on drugs or at the very least, have no chance of escaping a future of psychotherapy and a string of loveless marriages, I put together a small list.

Children with No Chance of Being Functioning Members of Society:

1. Sophia Grace and Rosie

I think we’ve all been a little irresponsible in our care and keeping of these two little British girls. It’s one thing to give them a viral video, I’ll even grant you one Ellen Show appearance, but I think we’ve gotten greedy. How do you think it’s going to go when these girls are 25 and they realize they peaked at 8? In their formative years they’ve been taught that by performing a rather mediocre version of a Nikki Minaj song they’re entitled to be on TV. I mean Ellen gave them a billboard in LA last week. A BILLBOARD! Why try to cure cancer or become a lady president if a tone-deaf rendition of an age-inappropriate song gets you to the Grammy’s?

2. The 5 Year-Old Daughter of This Woman

I mean, I could probably just stop right here. Anyone who uses that much bronzer does not have the presence of mind to take care of any kind of living organism, let alone a daughter who can grow up to become a serial killer. Anyway, this lady brought her toddler to go tanning and was arrested for it. First, it’s my own personal opinion that unless your kid has some sort of monster uni-brow or other deformity, you shouldn’t allow or encourage them to alter their appearance until they’re a teenager. I mean, they can play with make up, sure, but encouraging your kid to tan (or even spray tan) puts into their head at a very young age that they’re not good enough the way they are, which is just like, priming them for a future as a Hustler centerfold. AND, just the fact that this mother has such little common sense as to let a 5 year-old tan, you know she’s probably letting her sex-offender nephew babysit or something (#toomuchnotenoughjustright? Sowee)

3. Bear Silverstone

So if you haven’t seen this video, it’s Alicia Silverstone (for terrorists who don’t know, that’s Cher from Clueless) and she’s feeding her son, Bear (first problem) from her mouth like a BIRD. Okay, I’m all about letting you do you, but this isn’t even safe! Even if it was sanitary, what are the chances that this kid is going to have a successful relationship with any woman besides his mother?

So a big ‘good luck’ to these little cherubs, and I’d like for them to remember something: One day when someone asks you to be in a ‘documentary about drug addiction’ and they ask you to meet them at a hotel for your final interview… RUN!

Teen Mom and Me (It’s Too Late, Baby)

I’ve made a monumental life decision on my way to the allergist, and I thought I would make the official declaration here.

As you may or may not know (or care), I’m an aspiring comedic performer/writer. Once in a while people say I should go for a reality show or something, but I’ve always thought this would be something I would never do because of street cred purposes in the event that I do get successful in legitimate entertainment (Sidenote: I have this running fantasy every time I watch Real Housewives of NJ that I meet Albie Manzo in a NYC bar and we start dating. Then when it gets to the day where the producers of RHONJ want some footage of him with his new girlfriend, I decline to film because I’m too dedicated to being a serious artist. Now Albie knows my love is true and not for fame and Caroline Manzo gives him a speech in their kitchen about how no one’s good enough for her son, but I come close…. sorry, this just got way too real).

So, ANYWAY, I still don’t want to be on some sort of long-running, character driven reality show, but if I’m 35 and have gotten nowhere in my career I can consider it a wash and go out for some sort of show with different people every episode like Say Yes to the Dress or Intervention. I figure at around 35 I’ll be marrying some gay-fty (thanks, Happy Endings… it’s a gay-safety. Basically, a gay man that will marry me if we’re both single by a certain age so we can live out our dream of having our very own daughter…that we adopted from Malawi named Liza.) so, I can definitely go out for one of those wedding shows on TLC. I also think I have a pretty good shot at Hoarders.

Anthropologie Wine Glasses

I just can’t stress how important fancy stemware is- nothing is more depressing than drinking wine from a solo cup. Worse still is drinking it from a coffee mug. Nothing makes me feel more like I’m living out an episode of Intervention than if I’m drinking wine from a coffee mug, which is why I’ve had a nice set of wine glasses since freshmen year of college. I got them from Anthropologie, and they look kind of like african violets (I say that like my imagination came up with the comparison, but really they were just called ‘african violet wine glasses’), Anthropologie doesn’t have anything quite as cute and quirky as those specific ones, but here are some classy ones that are a little more unique than what you’d usually find.

Antrhopologie Glasses About $18 Each