LA Woman

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I have some fun news to share with you all today (just as a warning, it really only affects me, so feel free to just start skimming at this point). I’m moving to LA next month with my friend, Jillian from college!

FAQs:

Q: Do you have a job lined-up yet?

A: You are aware that I want to be a comedian, right? So, no, I do not have anything lined-up yet. I’ll be sure to let you know when I land a job scanning membership cards at the front desk of a 24-Hour Fitness.

Q: Where will you be living?

A: This must be your first time here – I would never post that. The hallmark of this blog is my paranoid stance that everyone is stalking me. It’s what gives it such a strong sense of narcissistic charm.

Q: What are you going to do once you get there?

A: First, I’m going to start taking classes at an improv theater. I guess from there I’ll just do my best to hold on to my morals and identity in a town where friends wouldn’t hesitate to betray you for the chance to star in a Kotex commercial.

Q: How are you getting there?

A: My mom and I will be roadtripping there, stopping in Nashville, Oklahoma City, and Phoenix. Along the way, I’ll be blogging here and on my tumblr in case you’re interested in pictures of me eating regional fast food. If you know of any places I should see in those cities or along Route 40, let me know in the comments, and please keep in mind how much I appreciate quirky, Americana ambiance and biscuits. Most importantly, if you have any leads on jobs in LA please keep me in mind. The only thing I love more than biscuits is money to pay for biscuits.

How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

My Advice to LiLo After Moving Back With Her Mom

Lindsay, let me first preface this post by saying that as I write this, I am sitting in my childhood bedroom.

photoThis is what I’m working with right now.

I know this looks bad. And sure, I’m making myself low-calorie margaritas at my desk for dinner, and I don’t know if that qualifies me for an eating disorder or a drinking problem. And yes, I’m spending my Thursday night in New Hampshire writing in a blog that I don’t get paid for. The “I” on my keyboard is so worn out that I have to warm it up before I start  writing (I’m serous… seriiious), and I’m starting to think that when your “I” key is over-used it points to a Real Housewives level of narcism. And yet, I continue to write in this blog that nobody pays me for because there isn’t much left to do.

So, with that kind of full discloser, it may not seem like I’ve got it together enough to give you advice, but I’ve never done meth before, and like, no offense, I kinda think you have, so maybe I have some wisdom to impart. Besides the meth, I’ve also been living with my parents for about a year and a half after college, so maybe you can learn something now that you’ve moved back into your Long Island pre-Parent Trap home. 

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Okay, so first, you probably feel really bad about yourself. You should. I’m not trying to be mean, but I think you need to take some responsibility for screwing up your life. You were a child star, and that definitely sets you up for some problems. Your mother was a failed show girl or something and your dad was a money-hungry coke fiend, and that’s just the perfect storm to create a… well, a you… Basically, you are the new industry standard for a screwed-up child star. No one remembers Dana Plato, anymore. It’s all you.

You’ve kind of hit rock bottom, so let this be a time of reflection. Reflect on what you’ve done wrong, and what you can do in the future to be better. Make a game plan. Take an acting class. We all saw Liz and Dick, and I’ll grant you, you had your moments, but you could use a brush-up. Take this opportunity to chill and get back to basics. Don’t worry too much about what your peers are doing. I know you must hate Jennifer Lawrence so, so much right now, but just worry about yourself and what you can do to come back swinging. There’s no shame in moving home, we’ve all been doing it. Lena Dunham did it. It’s the thing, it’s chic! This is a bad economy, and snorting your entire fortune up your nose happens to everyone. I say “everyone” with the assumption that everyone is Stevie Nicks. And look how well she turned out!!

Just remember, if Robert Downey Jr. can make a come back, so can you. He professed his friendship for Mel Gibson with a weird kiss during the Golden Globes in a room full of Jews. He cannot possibly be smarter than you.

Just know that I believe in you, Lindsay.

Stars, They’re Just Like Us! Stupid!

How did you let this happen, Katy Perry?

It is so troubling to me that a woman who looks like Zooey Deschanel but with bigger boobs and millions of dollars isn’t immune to the charms of a troll like John Mayer (and also that she wears flats and carries her heels until reaching her destination like a COMMONER with mortal feet). I find John Mayer repulsive, and the original mascot of crazy, dramatic male artists (or as I like to call them “handfuls”) that are emotional murderers of woman. And now, surprise, surprise… he has broken the Alabaster  Princess’s heart.

I can’t even feel bad for her– we all told you, Katy Perry! We warned you that he was bad news and we didn’t do it ‘cuz we’re jealous!

Katy, did you think that Jennifer Aniston was making all this stuff up? I get that maybe you weren’t sold on Taylor Swift’s opinion or God forbid, anything coming out of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s candy lips and bubble gum tongue, but it’s Rachel Green we’re talking about here!

All of America was telling you this dude was bad news, and you wouldn’t listen. We were just trying to protect you, one gal to another. Next time I hope you heed our advice. Maybe consider dating a nice lawyer or something. Or just a guy with short hair. I think that might help a lot.

Now let’s kiss and forget about this whole thing.

Oh, you’re not into that anymore? Totally, sure, nevermind!