A Week Without Fruit, But Full of Freedom

Did everyone have a good 4th of July weekend?

This is what I did:

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Basically, I treated the last week as if it was my birthday where I celebrate for days by binge eating until food doesn’t taste good anymore.

Between yogurt and bagels I ate:

  • 1 hot dog
  • 1 burger
  • 1 quarter pounder with cheese (which is in a burger category all its own)
  • 1 slider (or like, half a burger?)
  • 2 Subway sammiches. Truthfully, it could have been 3.
  • 2 steak tacos from Del Taco
  • Fries on fries on fries.
  • and a kiddie sized Frosty for dipping.
  • Chips on dip on dip.
  • Two spicy chicken sandwiches in less than 24 hours, but one was from McDonald’s while the other was from Wendy’s, and those are two totally different experiences
  • and 2 fried cheesecake bites from the Del Taco drive thru that I couldn’t wait to eat, so I shoveled them into my gullet with one hand and steered into my garage with the other as I watched my trainer neighbor Nick run sprints shirtless on our sidewalk. I pawed sadly at the window and slowly drove passed him.

One day I shall introduce myself to him when my mouth isn’t full of fried saturated fats. But I don’t know when that day would realistically happen….

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Halloween Anxiety

Well, it’s that time again- the time of year when Halloween Anxiety begins to reach it’s peak. “Halloween Anxiety,” for any straight men or people living in a second or third world nation, is most prevalent in young women ages 16-27, and occurs in the weeks leading up to Halloween. It starts around late August with just a twinge in the chest and the looming question, “What will I be for Halloween?” By October, it’s in its final and most debilitating stages: “No really, WHAT am I going to be?” and “WHAT are we going to do?” and the dreaded, “I don’t even feel like I’m in the Halloween spirit yet!!!” For those suffering from the final symptom or know someone who is, it’s important you get your hands on a Redbox copy of Hocus Pocus before it’s too late.

Unfortunately, I am not immune:

  

Favorite Posts of 2011

Here are some old posts where I just really out did myself.

{Thoughts on Some Women and Sports}

{5 Men Every Woman is Entitled to Date}

{The 12 Tweets of Courtney Stodden}

{Vegas Part III: Thoughts on Clubbing}

{Hello Giggles Illustrated Tweet of the Day}

{Reasons Why Gwyneth Paltrow is Better than You!}

{How Very Mary Kate of You, Elaine!}

{Parker’s Maple Barn}

{Vegas Part II: Wolfgang Puck’s Bar and Grill}

{Sport Eating Beach Field Trip}

To be totally honest with you, I decided to just do a round up of 2011 blog posts because I wanted to turn something out quick (like how 90’s sitcoms used to do those episodes where the main characters just sit around and go, “hey, remember that time when…..” and then they just start playing a montage of old episodes. Like that). This actually took forever because I just started reading old posts. Similar to how I clean my room, which is actual cleaning in 10 minute spurts and then try on old clothes for a half hour. I have the worst time management skills of all time. I have great motor skills, though. Just ask me to cut a piece of paper neatly. I’m all over that.

Too Good for a Resolution

Have you ever noticed that people who don’t drink or watch TV love reminding you about it at every opportunity? Instead of just telling you that they aren’t familiar with the show you’re talking about, they have to rub it in and point out that they are too busy to watch TV, which (and if you are this person, let’s hope that what you lack in Kardashian knowledge you make up for in reading comprehension) is super pretentious, whether you mean it to be or not. Same with non-drinkers. If I offer you a drink it’s probably more than reasonable to decline and qualify it with an “I don’t drink,” but you don’t need to keep telling me about how hilarious or annoying it is to be the only sober person at a bar.   Tell someone who doesn’t drink either, and just revel in each other’s clean livers. The rest of us want to act like a-holes at bars without your judgement (another thing: people who don’t drink are always saying that they aren’t judging drinkers. YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!)

Now if you do drink and watch TV, how are you to exert your self-importance over the rest of us heathens? Well, finally I’ve found an option for you during this, the holiday season.

See? Bethenny doesn’t need a resolution because she’s always living her best life like she’s OPRAH or something (another thing she’s always doing is subtly pushing her yoga DVD). I guess I wouldn’t need a resolution, either, if I had 120 million dollars from some friggin’ low calorie mixed drink.

Now, I love Bethenny, and I love a lot of people who say all the time that they don’t drink or watch TV (Kathy Griffin, for example, mentions it in like, every chapter of her book, and every stand-up show she does), I’m just saying maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to COOL IT.  Let me diet for a week in peace!

First Video Blog

I already regret putting this up, but if everyone else and their mother can have a video blog where they just talk about themselves, so can I.

You should probably just watch this now, because I’m sure I’ll analyze this video until I’m embarrassed enough to take it down in 3 days. I also teach you how to make a booze necklace for a fun Christmas present. Cuz what says the birth of Christ like a neck full of vodka? I mean, I can think of a lot of things that would come before liquor necklace, but it’s on the list somewhere.

I can already tell you my mom is going to be annoyed at how much I touched my hair in the beginning.

Yes, I’m sitting in my Oprah approved meditation chair.

Yes, that’s a hula hoop behind my meditation chair.

Monster High Dolls, or The Down Fall of Mankind

Whitney Houston and I agree on 2 things: the children are our future, and crack is delicious.

You got me on the crack! I do not know if crack is delicious. I do know that crack is -in fact- whack. But Whitney and I are still on the same page about minors, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but our future is looking a little promiscuous. A tit-tle promiscuous, if you will.

How do I know this? I have eyes and a brain that is not only functioning, but arguably pretty rational at most times (except those times when I’m facebook stalking you and your new girlfriend for a full hour. Two hours.) and that’s all I need to see that things have changed since I was a wide-eyed innocent.

I hit up my local Toys R’ Us recently to buy a toy for a little girl- now, this girl (age 6) asked for a Monster High Doll for Chrismahanuwanza, and I, being out of touch with children’s recreational equipment trends, did not know what a “Monster High Doll” was.

Apparently strumpets with a great weave are really popular this holiday season:

This is Monster High student Clawdeen Wolf. Her hobbies include “waxing, shaving, and plucking” and “flirting with boys!” She is also supposed to be 15. 15!

Now, before I blow a gasket, let’s take a look at a popular doll of the 90’s…

The Babysitter’s Club dolls. Some of their favorite hobbies are dressing age appropriately and killing it as small business owners. I’m not saying my generation of young women who grew up playing with dolls like this are perfect, but I have a feeling we’re better off than the kids who are playing with a doll that wears thigh high socks.

So, I thought about getting this little girl a different doll, but the problem was they all just looked like variations on Pussycat…Dolls. I mean, the Bratz dolls as we all know were the original hookers, but all the other dolls were dressed like that, too! The best thing I could find was this Jackie Evancho doll:

But, like, c’mon. I’m not so high and mighty that I’m going to ruin this kid’s Christmas. It might be at Toys R’ Us, but it is obviously targeted towards the middle-aged gay or female doll collector demographic.

So, the only option I had left was to get the least offensive doll I could find.

Of the ones left on the shelves, this one had the most clothes on and at least wrote in a journal, which is promising.

So these Monster High Dolls are really popular right now, but I can’t imagine that teaching pre-pubescent 6 year-olds that they should be waxing their legs to attract men is a good lesson. OR, that at 15 it is acceptable to wear a belly shirt and tutu (which, let’s be real, is not an acceptable fashion choice at any age) or that you should dress that way to go to school because school is really just a means to meet guys, not learn.

I hate to get all soapy boxy on you (and now for using the phrase ‘get all soap boxy on you’), but this just does not bode well for our future. I’m not asking Mattel to start turning out Genderless City Council Representative Barbie or anything, but at least give parents more of an equal opportunity to find toys that won’t prime their daughters to be part of the future cast of Teen Mom 32. Though I do think a Teen Mom Barbie would be kind of funny. In a strictly novelty-item-from-Spencer’s-Gifts kind of way.

The 12 Days of Courtney Stodden

If you’ve read my blog before, you might be aware of my obsession over saving a one Miss Courtney Stodden, child bride to Doug Hutchison.


Yup, there’s our girl!

I’m an avid follower of her twitter, and in my efforts to convert her into a one-woman army of self respect, I even tweeted her some sage advice. Not a few hours later did she tweet something that included such words as ‘slippery’ and ‘meow.’ So clearly I have been IGNORED!

Despite this obvious slap in the face, I can’t help but get into the Christmas spirit as I continue to follow her. Since the end of November she almost exclusively tweets about Christmas- she is a devout Christian, so I get that this is a big time of year for her. I thought it unfair to keep the holiday cheer from the rest of the world, so I decided to compile them all here for you.

The Twelve Tweets of Courtney Stodden’s Seductively Slippery Santa-stic Christmas:

1. Flirty spirit? Are you trying to tell us that you’re one of the 3 ghosts from A Christmas Carol? Which is it, Courtney? Are you 17 or a literary ghost? I’m starting to get suspicious.

 2. I don’t know anything about the Naughty List, but I will say that your artisan candy tasting will get Santa on the sex offenders registry. Find an age appropriate boyfriend!

3. Rds? Reds, maybe? Not sure. Happy to see that she’s trying to use the ever elusive semi-colon, though.

4. Courtney! If you call yourself a ho-ho-ho is just makes guys think it’s okay to call you that!

5.  This one isn’t so bad, right? She’ll be leaving him milk with his cookies. Just some good, ole’ fashion 2%.

6. I’m not really sure if anyone fully explained to this girl who Santa is. You don’t have the sleigh, Santa does! She’ll get it eventually.

Wait a second. I just understood what she meant by ‘slippery sleigh.’ Ew! Geez, Courtney! It’s Jesus’s birthday for Christsake!

 7. This sounds like the description of a limited edition scent from Yankee Candle.

 8. THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!!!

9. Of all the people in her home town who are probably embarrassed by her, I’m sure at least her third grade teacher is proud. Courtney never forgot that lesson in alliteration. Teachers just touch lives, bottom line.

10. So the way I understand it, the yarmulke is to the Jews as the Christmas cat-suit is to the Christians?

11. I’m just too tired.

And #12…. Because lest we forget what Christmas is really about: The Baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas to All.

Starbucks Skinny Peppermint Mocha

After reading the title of this post, I bet you’re thinking “how is this lady going to weasle an entire post out of the subject ‘skinny peppermint mochas?'”

Well, reader, you’ve obviously never read any of my college essays. I once wrote a ten page paper for a literature class in which Sex and the City was one of my scholarly sources. I can finagle just about anything into an essay. Look, I’ve already wasted 73 words. Child’s play. 75.

Anyway, I’m just pumped about this new Skinny Peppermint Mocha business. I think for years one of the hardest things for me to grapple with is the fact that all of the Starbucks seasonal beverages are generally made with a thick, syrupy base (pumpkin spice, mocha, caramel brulee), and I like to enjoy my holiday cheer in 150 calories or less. I think most people (except for neurotic, skinny, city dwellers) don’t really have a grasp on how bad for you some of those Starbucks drinks are (do not get me started on the Chai… just because it sounds like tea doesn’t make it ok).

I, however, used to work at Starbucks, so I know a thing or two about how many calories are in every single thing in that place. I’m an encyclopedia of the nutritional values of stale, day old baked goods. My insight actually spans beyond just fat content, too. I have some thoughts on Starbucks etiquette as well.

How to be a Great Person at Starbucks (Though it Will Probably Go Unnoticed):

  • Be cool about sending back your drinks. I mean, it’s part of their job description to re-do any drinks if you ask, (like, even if you screw up and say you wanted iced when you really wanted hot) but maybe think about how busy it is and what was made incorrectly. Say you didn’t want whipped cream and they put it on. If you send that back you are a major doucher and here’s why: the policy is they are supposed to remake the ENTIRE drink, so depending on the manager looking over their shoulder, they can’t just scoop it off the top. But guess what? You can easily do that (or chalk it up as destiny and enjoy your whipped cream. You didn’t ask for it so it doesn’t count calorically). HOWEVER, if they give you 2% instead of skim milk, you are permitted to throw the drink across the room and demand a free apple purse.
  • This next one is tough because it would require you to be both extremely considerate and aware of your surroundings, so just do what you can: Watch where you sit!!! If you take a table in front of an outlet and you don’t have a computer, you should then be aware if someone with a computer walks in and now has no outlet to sit in front of. How else will that person nurse a $2 tazo tea for 3 hours while he works on his screenplay? Just get up and find a new seat (unless there are no other seats and then you get a pass).
  • Be clean. You don’t have to be all Danny Tanner about it, but just know if you leave trash at your table all the baristas are going be talking about you after you leave, hard core. Also, when you go to the bathroom do your best to aim, and don’t get toilet paper on the floor. There is no reason for there to be toilet paper on the floor, and yet there always is.
  • Tip. I don’t think you understand how much it sucks to make coffee for people for $8 an hour, and it’s harder work than you think. If they’re not making your drink, they’re wiping down the condiment bar for the third time this hour. Ya, Starbucks is a pretty good company to work for, but they want blood in exchange for dental insurance.

Or better yet, stop going to Starbucks and start supporting locally owned coffee shops, you monster drone!