My Small Scale Hoarding

I love reality TV which is a huge shock to no one, but what might be fascinating to no one is that I like to group my shows by theme. If a certain show doesn’t fit into one of these categories I probably don’t watch it: Middle Aged Women Fighting, Competitions That Showcase a Minimum of 2 Gay Men, Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and Southerners (the latter being recently created to make room for a one Miss Honey Boo Boo).

Hoarders: Buried Alive falls into the category Shows That Make Me Feel Better About Myself, and resides alongside Intervention in the subcategory of Things I’m Afraid of Becoming. I watch these shows and think, “hey, I might live with my parents and have no purpose in life, but at least I’m not hiding a bottle of Charles Shaw in a loose floor board in my room.” To ensure things stay that way, I like to take some precautionary measures. Like, sometimes I won’t drink for two weeks just to confirm that I can, and I never drink out of a coffee mug because if Intervention has taught me anything, it’s that once you start drinking wine out of a mug it’s all over.

To make sure I don’t wake up one day and realize I’m sleeping on a bed covered with water damaged pashmina scarves and cat skeletons, I like to go through my room and throw a bunch of stuff out that I haven’t used in a year. Yet, as hard as I try, there are some things I never get rid of because “I might use it one day,” which is like, what a true hoarder has printed up on their business cards.

I picked out some of the things that I’ve been hoarding:

 {My Oprah’s Lifeclass Journal}

I got this for free for signing up for Oprah’s Lifeclass, which is humiliating in-and-of itself. Status: Never Been Used.

 {A promotional “It’s Complicated” Wine Koozie}

I didn’t even like “It’s Complicated” that much. Status: Never Used

 {Two Hotel Room Keys from My Vegas Vacation Last Year}

I planned on scrapbooking one of these keys, but for some reason I need them both. “I’m going to scrapbook this” will go on my gravestone. Status: Never been used except for unlocking a hotel room.

 {A Stripper-y Yacht Hat}

I got this as a souvenir from the Pussycat Dolls cabaret show when I went with my mom to Vegas for my 21st birthday. Holding on to it incase I decide I need to strip my way through law school. Status: Worn once in Vegas. So yes, I wore this in public. And there are pictures. Which probably means I can never run for public office.

 {Empty Egg Carton}

This is where things get real hoarder-y. I mean, this is just straight up trash. I’m saving it for next Easter because I think it’d be cute to put some glitter on it and use it to hold mini cupcakes. But I have to hang on to it for the next year because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another egg carton by next April. Status: Used once to store actual eggs.

{Arden B. Furry Blazer}

I bought this on sale for $50 7 years ago. At the time I thought it was cute, but it turns out a 16 year old doesn’t need a blue houndstooth blazer for any occasion ever. Now I hold on to it in case I’m ever invited to a 90’s theme party so I can pair it with a teddy bear backpack and go as Amber from Clueless. Status: Still has the tags on it.

I think I really need to go throw this stuff out because as any Hoarders viewer knows, you’re only one traumatic life experience away from living in a messy fort made of broken dreams and empty Activia containers.

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Teen Mom and Me (It’s Too Late, Baby)

I’ve made a monumental life decision on my way to the allergist, and I thought I would make the official declaration here.

As you may or may not know (or care), I’m an aspiring comedic performer/writer. Once in a while people say I should go for a reality show or something, but I’ve always thought this would be something I would never do because of street cred purposes in the event that I do get successful in legitimate entertainment (Sidenote: I have this running fantasy every time I watch Real Housewives of NJ that I meet Albie Manzo in a NYC bar and we start dating. Then when it gets to the day where the producers of RHONJ want some footage of him with his new girlfriend, I decline to film because I’m too dedicated to being a serious artist. Now Albie knows my love is true and not for fame and Caroline Manzo gives him a speech in their kitchen about how no one’s good enough for her son, but I come close…. sorry, this just got way too real).

So, ANYWAY, I still don’t want to be on some sort of long-running, character driven reality show, but if I’m 35 and have gotten nowhere in my career I can consider it a wash and go out for some sort of show with different people every episode like Say Yes to the Dress or Intervention. I figure at around 35 I’ll be marrying some gay-fty (thanks, Happy Endings… it’s a gay-safety. Basically, a gay man that will marry me if we’re both single by a certain age so we can live out our dream of having our very own daughter…that we adopted from Malawi named Liza.) so, I can definitely go out for one of those wedding shows on TLC. I also think I have a pretty good shot at Hoarders.