Please watch this web series I wrote if anyone still sees this bloggggg.
Like I said in yesterday’s post, I turned 25 this month, and it’s strange because I still feel like I’m in high school. It’s not like I’m clinging to youth or anything, in fact, I’m excited to turn 30 in the near future. I’ve found that every six months or so I become a little less of an asshole, so I’m hoping by 30 I’ll be a real hip woman in charge of her own destiny, getting her clothes tailored, not eating as much processed foods, the whole thing.
But for now, I can’t tell- am I an adult? Let’s look at the evidence:
ADULT: I have aged out of eligibility to be on The Real World because apparently 25 is too old to catch syphilis in a hot tub while you experiment with your sexuality. What if I’m a late bloomer, huh, MTV?
NON-ADULT: Still too young to be a Real Housewife. Not a girl, not yet a woman.
ADULT: I pay rent with my own money for a townhouse with a garbage disposal, yes, garbage disposal.
NON-ADULT: I recently cashed in an animal crackers jug full of change at a Coin Star so I would have drinking money.
ADULT: I told a co-worker how old I turned on my birthday and he said, “25! You can get married now!” Isn’t that wild? I mean, at this point, if I had a kid in a high school bathroom stall no one would give me a reality show. They might call DCF because what am I doing having a baby in a high school bathroom stall? but 25 is a completely appropriate age to get married and have a child. In the Mid-West.
NON-ADULT: No matter how old I am when I have kids, always exclaiming “this is children raising children!” is a very charming thing I plan to do.
ADULT: Another thing about kids- I’m at least mature enough to know at what time a toddler should be in bed and not at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival among half a million people. That would be all of the times. When I went this year it was after 11pm and I was very surprised at the toddler to screaming drunk people ratio.
NON-ADULT: At 8pm on a Sunday I locked my keys in my car and waited until 1am to ask AAA to get them because I was late for karaoke. Somebody, quick! Give me a baby to raise! I might accidentally lock them in the back seat, but I promise I’ll fish them out after last call!
ADULT: I got my oil changed all by myself this week!
NON-ADULT: I didn’t get my oil changed all by myself until I was 25 year old.
Welp, I am no closer to an answer, but at least I have enough self awareness to limit the amount of times I say the phrase “quarter-life crisis.” That counts for something, right?
This story of celebratory binge eating begins with my drive home from work on Halloween afternoon. I lost control and found my car Herbie Fully Loading me into the parking lot of a greek pizza shop… but getting out of the car was my choice.
At 3pm I went in and ate a gyro and fries, knowing full well I would be going out later that night. I ate it, totally aware of what I was doing, and I didn’t even care. I ate those onions and spiced gray meet from an unconfirmed dead animal and hoped a tooth brushing would be enough. I can’t sacrifice birthday week eating for the people or hot guys who might be breathing around me. Truth be told, I do this all the time… Like, oh we’re going dancing in Boston? So we’ll do Indian tonight, then?
After gargling peroxide and hoping that killed anything alive in my mouth, I headed to Salem, Mass for Halloween. Now, I know last week I teased everyone a little bit with what my costume was going to be.
Well, I was going to be Chucky Finster.
I went out the weekend before as Chucky, and no one knew who I was until I told them (and even then I think I was getting a lot of sympathy nods of recognition). Suddenly, my adorable throwback costume didn’t seem like such a great idea. Especially next to a sexy Minnie Mouse, Wonder Woman, and Football Ref.
On actual Halloween I had every intention to wear my Chucky costume again. Again, no one would know who I was until suddenly some geeky-hot guy would come up to me knowing exactly who I was supposed to be and then Sixpence None the Richer would play and we’d slow dance our way into a very meaningful 4 and a half month relationship.
Then my friend, Michelle suggested I try on her Peter Pan costume.
I took off my purple glasses, put on the green dress and “Kiss Me” began to play as I looked into the full length mirror and said, “I… I’m beautiful,” as a single tear rolled down my cheek. Then I booty dropped and shouted to the world, “maybe the media’s portrayal of women as sexual objects isn’t so bad after alll!!!!!”
Then we ate:
Michelle is the queen of birthdays and she had this beautiful spread for me. Which includes spinach and artichoke dip and salt and vinegar chips. It should be noted I entirely forgot to bring my tooth brush to her house.
We headed out into downtown Salem and went to a Chinese restaurant so we could go to the bathroom, and then we figured while we’re here we might as well eat a poo-poo platter real quick. After finishing our platter we went to a bar and just danced by ourselves and no one said ANYTHING about how beautifully my green costume set off my hair, but it was still a success because I don’t like it when anyone touches me while I dance. I like to keep it Orthodox Jewish wedding appropriate as far as coed interaction goes. Just let me Cha-Cha-Slide with myself.
Overall, it was a great night with one of my best friends, who always makes my birthday/Halloween so much fun!
Us over the years:
Slutty Halloween costumes to all, and to all a good night!!!!
First, I’d like to apologize that this has turned into a full on Halloween blog. It is my favorite holiday, and to be honest, I get a ton of hits on all my Halloween related posts via search engines, so I’ll just milk this Pumpkin dry. Pumpkin being the name of my cow.
Secondly, a happy and safe Halloween weekend to all! I know that most people will be going out today or tomorrow, so to all of you I say: have a lovely time. Women, if you plan to dress like a sexy Hamburgler or a sexy traffic light, it is your body and I hope you display it proudly with the confidence and strength of 1,000 Xena: Warrior Princesses. If you are under 17 and wearing something sexy, your parents should really be monitoring you more closely, but I wish the same for you with the added advice to go easy on the orange jello shots. Actually, that advice is applicable to everyone.
If you choose to be something scary or witty or topical, good for you. May the bodies of the women dressed up as sexy Twister games never outshine your intellect and sense of whimsy.
To the men who wear “Hello My Name Is….” stickers, that is not a costume. Also, if you’ve got it, consider wearing a shirtless firefighter’s costume. I think you owe it to the women and gay men of America. We have done so much for you, and we have the body glitter and costume coordinated over the knee stockings to prove it. If you don’t got it, your Batman costume is fine, and I’m sure you have a great personality.
I have lived a very difficult life at the hands of my mother. Because of her, nearly every elementary school class birthday has been ruined for me. Since childhood, I have had an extremely refined palate for cakes due to her superior baking, which makes it impossible for me to enjoy grocery store baked goods or canned frostings, and I seemed to be the only 8 year old who knew that apple juice does not go with cake. Milk goes with cake, MILK! Who raised you, elementary school parents? Certainly not my mother.
On a weekly basis I had to politely eat the cupcakes and juice parents brought in for birthdays, wishing that like the other students, I was blissfully ignorant to the delicious cupcakes that existed in the world. Cupcakes that ruin you for all other cupcakes. The only solace I had was when my birthday rolled around and my mother could finally bring in her baked goods and MILK. We always killed it for my class birthday. In the fifth grade, I came up with the brilliant and totally unexpected plan to have a Hoodsie sundae bar. The best class birthdays always came from the chubby kids, and thanks to my size 16’s I was throwing milk-fused ragers.
I’ve always told my mother she should sell her cupcakes, and after winning the baking contest at the Fluff festival a few weeks ago, she finally decided to do it!
Introducing Sugarlyn Cakes!
So if you ever want to order some, let me know. For the drop-off, we can meet in a public, neutral location in case you’re using your cupcake order as an opportunity to murder me while enjoying delicious treats.
I’m fresh out of pithy observations today, but I’m positively brimming with Halloween spirit. I’m still going back and forth between being Chuckie Finster or Wayne from “Wayne’s World” for Halloween, which I need to figure out now because I’m running out of time for my Halloween tradition of getting a McDonald’s Happy Meal in one of those special Halloween buckets, filling it with candy, then eating said candy from said bucket while I watch “Hocus Pocus” and make my Halloween costume. While I go get my life together and perhaps decide last minute to focus on something more important than eating Raisinettes from a fast food container, go ahead and enjoy this Thought Catalogue post.
Well, it’s that time again- the time of year when Halloween Anxiety begins to reach it’s peak. “Halloween Anxiety,” for any straight men or people living in a second or third world nation, is most prevalent in young women ages 16-27, and occurs in the weeks leading up to Halloween. It starts around late August with just a twinge in the chest and the looming question, “What will I be for Halloween?” By October, it’s in its final and most debilitating stages: “No really, WHAT am I going to be?” and “WHAT are we going to do?” and the dreaded, “I don’t even feel like I’m in the Halloween spirit yet!!!” For those suffering from the final symptom or know someone who is, it’s important you get your hands on a Redbox copy of Hocus Pocus before it’s too late.
Unfortunately, I am not immune:
That is a picture of a snowy fallen tree in my backyard taken circa… yesterday. All of NH got a ton of snow (and to put this in perspective I live in southern NH bordering Mass. not some maple syrup-y backwoods up north. Despite what you may think, this is not normal).
Something upwards of 200,000 homes in NH are without power. My house lost power, but luckily we have a small generator that makes it possible to charge my cell, which is where I blog to you from- shivering in a blanket and blogging by candlelight like this is Little House on the Prairie with iPhones.
Also, my Halloween is all but ruined. I have no TV to watch Hocus Pocus from, and trick or treating is postponed in most towns, which has drained my holiday cheer. Nobody is thinking of Halloween around here. All you can think about is SURVIVING (except my mom who still has candy corn earrings and a festive t-shirt on. God bless her).
Has anyone else been hit by this Halloween tragedy?
PS it took me no less than a half hour to type this thing. Curse you, my Vienna Sausage fingers and the iPhone touch screen!
1. The Office– I had stopped watching The Office after last season. I’m not sure why because I sincerely enjoyed Michael Scott’s last few episodes, but I think enough people were telling me they were sick of The Office, so I thought “ya, that sounds right” and I stopped watching it. I’ve done the same thing with curry and olives. I’ve heard my parents say often that they don’t like curry or olives, and since it wasn’t that important I just decided not to form my own opinion on it and take on their’s. Turns out, I don’t mind curry but hate olives as much as I told myself I did. Back to the show. So, out of sheer boredom I watched the whole season thus far on On Demand while I pretended to peddle on my stationary bike. Wouldn’t you know, I’m really enjoying Andy as the new boss.
2. Surprise cupcakes– While at work today someone came in with cupcakes for an employee. They were from Queen City Cupcakes, which was a place I had wanted to try, and the lady just offered me an oatmeal cookie cupcake for no reason! How unexpected! I actually made cupcakes to bring to a friend’s house tonight, so now it looks like I have no choice but to eat multiple cupcakes today. I feel like this always happens. Whenever I know I’m going to have a cupcake on a particular day for whatever occasion, a surprise cupcake always presents itself that I can’t turn down. When it rains it pours cupcakes. It’s like how people say that when you have a significant other all of a sudden you start getting all these offers from other suitors. Look, I’m not going to pretend like I know if that’s true or not. I don’t know men, I just know baked goods.
3. Gummy Prenatal Vitamin– I guess it’s a sign of the times that companies have to start making their vitamins into candy if they want anyone to take them. Ya know what though, I never miss a day with my gummy prenatal vitamins. I can’t remember the last time I took a multi-vitamin, but my totally unnecessary prenatal vitamins never go undigested. Gummy aside, this is the first time I’ve ever taken prenatal vitamins, and I can’t recommend them enough. After a couple weeks of taking it, my skin is looking like I have the glow of an expectant mother without the buzz kill of a fetus growing inside your stomach like some sci-fi movie. I think my hair is definitely softer, too.
4. Miss Representation– This documentary that was shown on OWN is a must-see. It’s all about how women are misrepresented in the media- in terms of being objectified or stereotyped, and also how men are being conditioned to think that objectifying women is normal (and stuff). It’s kind of depressing because I kind of came away from it thinking that nothing will ever change unless we all become completely genderless (which would mean no mascara, and I can’t! I won’t). Also, now I’m completely paranoid that I am objectifying myself all the time. I feel like I should start dressing like a sister wife in Utah or something. As scary as Miss Representation is, it’s also really inspiring and eye opening.
5. Salem– Tonight I’m taking a little drive to Salem, Mass to visit my friend from college. We’re going to dress up and go out, which makes me equal parts excited and petrified. I’ve never been to Salem on Halloween weekend, but I hear it is nuts. Don’t get me wrong, Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none, but the convention of wearing masks during a day that celebrates fear is probably the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever heard of. I mean, I’ve been in New York City and Las Vegas in the early hours of the morning, and I’m probably just as likely to get murdered there as I am on Halloween in Salem, but being in a crowd of people dressed as zombie Casey Anthonys and Jigsaws probably just brings a level of disorientation that only makes it seem like you’re in some immediate danger.
Halloween has turned into the holiday where people shamelessly objectify women, and I feel that the only fair thing to do is to start objectifying men, too.
For your viewing pleasure, men being objectified:
I felt really good about that. Let’s move on.
I think the whole women in over-the-top sexy costumes thing is a little played out- it’s taken all the creativity out of figuring out what you’re going to be and making a costume.
But I don’t think I’ll be able to change that trend, so I propose a new, probably way better solution than wearing something more tame.
Shamelessly revealing costumes for men is something the public has not seen enough of so, I’d like to see men from all ages and walks of life going to Halloween pop-up stores and having sexy cop, firefighter, hula dancer, etc. be their only costume options. I want men, no matter tone or pudgy, to feel pressured into wearing a sexy costume. And none of these men can be gay. You get no credit for sexy costumes. If you are a straight man out there, strutting your stuff in some low-quality lycra, I salute you. In my slutty military outfit.
Let’s make slutty Halloween costumes an equal opportunity exploiter. I want to see this for Halloween: