Make A Woman Out of Me – Kathryn Gallagher (Sunrise Sessions)

You might have read Kathryn Gallagher’s name on this blog before as she is my podcast co-host for Wine and Whine, but what you might not know is that she is also my 90’s Teen Witch Moon Princess with the voice of an angel and the brows of a 14 year old Brooke Shields.

Kathryn is a great singer and songwriter, and I could best describe her as T-Swift rolled in flannel and sprinkled with Stevie Nicks fairy dust. My little Rose Quartz Yoga Nymph released the first video from her Sunrise Sessions where she sings a very sexy song to get you in the mood for your evening lovemaking. Watch it, like it, tell all your friends. Then subscribe to her on YouTube and watch her music video for the song “Damaged” that she wrote and performed for the movie Thanks For Sharing which is a film featuring noted juice cleanser, Gwyneth Paltrow and professional aerialist, P!nk.

And listen to Wine and Whine Podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Stitcher… Rate/Subscribe/Write a review!!!

Happy Friday, Gwyneth Paltrow!

That goop article you’ve been slaving over can wait until Monday, so put down your hemp seed detox smoothie and pick up a cold glass of Sauv Blah because it’s the weekend, Gwyneth!
I’m excited, too!

BTW Gwyney, you fill out a snake skin bikini like a dream.

I’m working today, but I started my weekend festivities yesterday at a party celebrating the opening of a Warby Parker store in The Standard Hotel in West Hollywood. Was it worth staying out so late when I had to wake up so early for work the next day? Well, I got a free canvas tote bag containing a one-size-fits-not-me pair of slippers, so you be the judge (and duh. Of course it was worth it because all women inexplicably love free tote bags that we pack our lunch in once and then never use again).

Plus Mischa Barton was there. It was coolish to have Mischa Barton at that party, but maybe not cool to be Mischa Barton at that party. Like I said, free tote bag, but basically the event was just a bunch of hipsters in affordable glasses and skinny ties standing next to a pool. And wasn’t it just The OC’s 10 year anniversary? Surely there’s some Buzzfeed article about it floating around that might give her popularity a little resurgance granting her access to cooler parties. Or maybe she could just stay home. I’m not a fan of hers or anything so I don’t know her substance abuse history like I do Lindsay Lohan’s or Laurie Forman’s from That 70’s Show (RIP), but she definitely feels like someone who shouldn’t be drinking. Regardless, being in her presence is just cool enough to my hipper East Coast relatives that when they point out that I could be a secretary in New Hampshire too, I can counter with the lie that I live a fabulous LA lifestyle.

Plus, I can’t be a secretary in glamourous Beverly Hills in New Hampshire, can I? Uh-no.

5 Clues That You Might be a 55 Year-Old Divorcee

I have come to terms with the fact that I am, at heart, a 55 year-old divorcee with adult children too busy to visit me. And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a huge week for middle aged ladies. Between closing arguments for the Jodi Arias trial starting tomorrow, Amanda Knox’s new book, and back-to-back all new episodes of SVU and Nashville on tonight, I’m just white knuckling it until it’s a socially acceptable time for me to start funneling Ramona Pinot Grigio into my gullet.

WWCBDHow do I know that my spirit is that of a woman with a declining estrogen count and a medicine cabinet full of Prolia? Well, there are some clues:

  1. My lifelong crush on Tom Selleck is now taking a back seat to my new flame: the medical examiner for the Jodi Arias trial. screen-shot-2013-04-25-at-1-11-50-pm
  2. I have come dangerously, dangerously close to calling into Nancy Grace’s show. BUT IN MY DEFENSE!!! I have some really good observations that I don’t think anyone else has thought about!
  3. I also know the first and middle names of both Nancy Grace’s twin children.
  4. As much as I miss Stabler, I think Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins are the Cagney and Lacey of our time. cagney-and-lacey-pic-bbc-image-1-581892946
  5. Whenever she’s at a juice bar, Mama looooves to add a fiber boost! She’s also no stranger to the Metamucil Apple Crisp Fiber Wafers! I’m Mama!

Speaking of menopausal women, I’d just like to say that Gwyneth Paltrow should be ashamed of herself for allowing her mother to hawk osteoporosis pills on national television. Apparently those Will & Grace residual checks aren’t enough to pay the rent, but you’d think Gwyn could anonymously sell one of her Master Cleanse stained t-shirts on ebay and give her mother the proceeds so she can live out her retirement with dignity.

How dare you turn your back on your mother, Gwyn! Ms. Danner is too classy for this.

gwyneth_paltrow_and_mother_blythe_dannerLook at her! That bitch is regal!

Just a Quick Update on Why Gwyney Palt is Better Than YOU!

Just in case you were starting to get too full of yourself since the last time we talked about GP, I have taken the liberty to show you this video to keep you grounded.

It’s our old friend GP rapping. Ignore the annoying British men trying to steal the Real Queen of England’s spotlight.

She can rap flawlessly despite her beautiful blonde hair and wealthy upbringing. She’s overcome so much.

I hope this helped.

Reasons Why Gwyneth Paltrow is Better Than You*

In case you were wondering, this is why Gwyneth Paltrow is better than you and me.

1. I promise you, you do not look presentable with your hair parted down the middle and stick straight. I don’t care who you are, if you are not GP, you look like this:

A member of the Manson family! You look like a cult member/pregnant lady murderer of the 60’s. Unless you’re GP, in which case, you look like an angel. If you aren’t GP I suggest you consider a side part or lay off the straight iron.

2.  The fact that she has a cookbook is not why she is better than everyone, if it were, then Eva Longoria would be on par with GP, and I assure you, she is not. This quote from GP’s cookbook is why she’s better than you:

“The stove is really the epicenter of my house — I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family.”

This quote makes her better than you for a couple reasons. She effortlessly uses the word ‘atop,’ and she’s always cooking up some sort of healthy liver detox-y type of soup (whereas I’m sure you’re eating McDonald’s RIGHT NOW).

This brings me to my next point:

3. Have you ever taken a look at her lifestyle website, GOOP? (You should check it out, it’s her way of helping you be as good as her even though you could never be). If you take a look at this site, you quickly find out GP is all about the detox diets. If you look at one of her recent diets you’ll see that a typical day is “eating” miso soup for every meal. I’ve tried detox diets and juice cleanses before, and by 11 am I’m hallucinating, screaming at strangers, and binge eating an entire cheesecake.

Not GP. She could out detox you all day, every day. Too bad for you, loser!

4. Her mom is Blythe Danner.

Look at her! That bitch is regal!

In conclusion, Gwyneth is not better than you because she sings and acts and is rich, it’s because she can do super human things like live off soup for a week, which is way more impressive.

*I haven’t decided if this is sarcastic or all too genuine.