IMMA “VOCAL FRY” YOUR NUTS

Screen Shot 2015-07-28 at 6.53.08 PMI’ve been hearing a lot lately about the term “vocal fry” (when your vocal chords rub together and cause a gravely noise when you speak) and how it causes young women to look unprofessional/forces every other demographic to hate us even more than they usually do.

I’ve actually known about vocal fry for a while because I took voices lessons for years (because I am CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIC) and it hurts your delicate little chords that make dah music in your throat pipe. So I will say firstly, you probably shouldn’t vocal fry if you’re like P!nk or someone who talks a lot for a living, but not because some asshole freelance writer at Business Insider told you not to.

I read somewhere (I DON’T CARE WHERE) that middle aged men in business (ya know, the ones holding the power over young females just starting off in business) tend to “disregard” women who vocal fry…..

………

bethenny

Guess what? Except for maybe your dad, every middle aged man disregards young women.

Girls aren’t the only ones who vocal fry or up-speak or say “just” to preface a request. Guys do it too, people just don’t notice or care as much because they aren’t looking for any possible reason to not take them seriously or recognize them as humans.

SO SCREW THEM!

To all the ladies out there who write: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT SALON TELL YOU NOT TO USE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

To the ladies out there who use words: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT TIME.COM TELL YOU WHICH TRENDY PHRASES YOU’RE ALLOWED TO USE!!!!

To the ladies out there who read: DON’T LET SOME OTHER FREELANCE WRITER AT THE GUARDIAN TELL YOU HOW TO USE YOUR VOICE UNDER THE GUISE THAT SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN AND SHE’S JUST TELLING YOU HOW TO BE A STRONG WOMAN TOO!!!

LADIES, LET US FRY OUR VOICES AND THEN FRY THE BALLS OF THOSE WHO DON’T LIKE IT!!!!! 

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Deleted Scenes of Women in Disaster Films Written by Men

Happy Friday, Dream Lovers. Here is the newest video I wrote and co-star in.

In these deleted scenes of women in disaster films written by men, some probing questions will finally be answered, including “how does the modern woman facing imminent death in the zombie apocalypse find the time to keep her armpits looking so fresh and hairless?”

If you’re interested in my write about up about the video that was featured on Amy Poehler’s Smart Girl website, here’s the link.

What I’ve Done Today: Part II

Screen shot 2013-05-23 at 11.08.36 AMAt the end of every day, my roommate and I usually give each other a run down of how our day went. Yesterday, my roommate came home and found me at about 5 o’clock, sitting on the couch with the shades drawn and the TV on mute. I had a lot to fill her in on:

At noon I made a really strong and impassioned statement on defying racial stereotypes by spending $13 on a breakfast sandwich and coffee, proving once and for all that not every Jew is good with their money.

The day only got more productive from there:

At 2pm I came home, sat on the couch and thought about blogging. But just thinking about blogging wasn’t enough, so I put some of my resume skills to good use by being a self-starter and doing some expert multi-tasking.

So I….

Thought about blogging…

….and picked off my gel manicure.

Thought about blogging…

….and thought about exercising.

Thought about blogging…

….and picked at a scab on my chin.

Thought about blogging…

….and read my own blog.

This went on for about 4 hours until I finally got up to go to the bathroom and toyed with the idea of parting my hair in the center because #YOLO

Spoiler Alert!!! Decided against it.

Then I sat back on the couch and looked at the Facebook’s of people I went to high school with and got really smug about how they’re still stuck in our hometown, married with stupid children who ruin their lives and love them unconditionally, and they have their dumb, steady jobs, with no hope of EVER being famous. And it’s just so sad, ‘cuz like LOOK AT ME, I’m in LA. I saw Sean and Eric from Boy Meets World at a cafe once, I have an air mattress, my roommate and I are thinking about auditioning for The Amazing Race, like, it’s all happening.

………..

So after going through that one-woman show/suicide note with my roommate, she decided it was time to go see a burger about some feelings before I started thinking about getting bangs. 968784_4938956914874_1217821939_nIt worked! Look at those happy faces! We love LA, we love a burger, but most of all, we love each other. 

But seriously, how does everyone feel about me and bangs?

The Story of My Roomie and Me

I asked my roommate to write about our relationship and how we got to where we are today. My perspective is in italics…

Dara and I met while pledging a sorority in college. We bonded over pillow fights, our mutual love of fro-yo, and Paul Rudd. Just kidding, I hated her.

Woah, okay…. I was just pretty indifferent towards her, I guess.

I was a sister in the sorority and Dara was a transfer student looking to meet a cool group of girls. Little did she know, these females would dislike her to no end. It was essentially a deep seeded hate for her lack-luster memorization skills and couldn’t give a shit personality.

To give you some context, in the sorority pledges had to interview each sister and then memorize every “sister fact” about their lives, which we would be verbally quizzed on every few days. I tried, but basically, I’m just more of a visual learner, you know?  

And to be clear, I don’t have a give-no-shits personality, JILL. But in this particular scenario I gave very few shits… 

I just remember pretty much everyone having a stick up their butts. We weren’t allowed to drink for almost that whole semester we pledged and we had a curfew. Then they’d make us stay in and do things like decorate paddles til 4 am when I had acting class in the morning. I needed to be fresh for that! When you’re rolling around on the floor pretending to be a cat for college credit you can’t just phone it in!

I’m just saying there wasn’t much incentive to learn every sister’s grandmother’s name when I was essentially paying $250 to get yelled at and do arts and crafts. 

Jill and Me in Santa Monica

Jill and Me in Santa Monica

I finally interacted with her my junior year because we happened to live in the same building. I always saw Dara in the latest Juicy Couture velour jogging suit, and I’m not even joking when I say she was either in that, or fashionable gym clothes 24/7. Homegirl was on a fitness mission, and I didn’t hate it! We sort of bonded at the gym.

What can I say? Little Mama likes to keep it tight. 

Then, Dara had to leave Boston in our final semester together to attend a prestigious comedy program in Chicago. Bleh, we get it. You’re talented.

I swear I didn’t write that… but yes….

I went to Los Angeles the following January and thought our paths would never cross again.

Geez…. never again? Way harsh, Tai. 

Post grad, Dara and I surprisingly kept in touch. It was mostly me fan-girling her hilarious blog, and a few texts back and fourth about unemployment depression and satirical self hate. But then, we attended a networking event together in NYC and something clicked. We had so much fun and began discussing what our life paths would be.

Jill even came to visit me in NH where we saw Magic Mike and smuggled in wine and chicken fingers. 

In late 2012, Dara and I decided to be roommates in Los Angeles.

It kind of came up like, “I want to move to LA.”

“Me too.”

“We should just live together! LOL”

For about 2 months I wasn’t sure if Jill was serious or not, and I think she felt the same way, so we were essentially in a game of roommate chicken. Then at some point we bought a WestSideRental.com membership, and it was suddenly real.

After saying yes, I took a giant step back and realized all I knew about this girl was surface stuff, but I was still willing to live with her because she’s a hoot! I have the most deductive reasoning, don’t I?

I knew very little about Jill except she thought I was a hoot which is all I care about aside from her stealing from me or bringing home guys to do it on my air mattress. So far she hasn’t done either of those things! Thanks, Jill!

We couldn’t be more different. I am completely Type A, essentially getting off on cleanliness and organization. Dara is much more relaxed and free spirited. We are the modern day odd couple, and I’m totally okay with it…For now 🙂

Ditto!

Finding a Job

Hey, you know that kinda recent episode of Girls where Hannah goes middle-class-white-girl crazy and shoves a Q-Tip in her ear due to the stress of having a book deal? If that’s normal and soooo “relatable,” how would a normal person’s stress manifest itself if that person just moved 3,000 miles from home and had to find a job and pay rent? If the stress of getting paid to write a book at age 24 is a Q-Tip, and let’s say single mother making minimum wage and raising two kids is a hot steak knife…then I’d say I’m holding steady at a toddler’s tooth brush stuck firmly into my ear canal. In the grand scheme, it’s just champagne problems, but shut up, I’m Beyonce in my tiny universe, and having no job is stressful!!!

Now that I’m on my own, Girls makes even less sense to me. Why isn’t Hannah constantly talking about rent? If they wanted this show to reflect the feelings of a generation, then their scripts should have just kept alternating the words “rent” and “wine” for 30 pages. That would speak to me!

As of press time, so like, right now, I’m working on a bottle of wine after a long day of job lookin’. A day that was meant to be full of some completely undeserved relaxation, turned into a day of running back in forth through sand trying to get to an interview. That only kind of happened, but feel free to picture me doing that in a neon, wide brimmed sun hat.

b219f9e8a95011e2a22022000a1fc78f_7{This was me just prior to hell breaking loose}

My gal pals and I drove about an hour to Santa Monica for a beach day. Goddammit! I should have known I didn’t deserve a relaxing beach day!!!

Just about the time we got to the promenade, I got an email about a job opportunity that was very time sensitive. So in the ensemble you see above, my roommate and I went to the Apple store to tweak my resume and cover letter. After an hour of me hovered over a Mac laptop in my Coachella reject outfit, I finally sent off my stuff, and strutted to the beach, ready to relax after the stressful hour I had. What an hour.

15 minutes later, my shorts are OFF and my Trader Joe’s organic sunscreen is ON, and I am ready for some professional TLC from the California sun. Until! I get a phone call saying I have an interview and can I be there at 4:30, and of course I can ’cause all I have to do is put my mind to something.

So, my poor friends and I.. my poor, poor friends- May God bless and keep you, Jillian and Caitlin (my friends go by their full names, they are cosmopolitain ladies, THANK YEH). They were such great sports. SO, we run… picture me running through sand in that hat to the car. We finally make it to the other side of town, only so I can spend 15 minutes throwing on my interview outfit and showering in a bath of dry shampoo mist, until I was right back out the door.

For my 45 minute drive back, I meditated on the mantra that greasy hair would not be the determining factor of whether or not I got this job.

And hopefully that is actually true.

My interview happened and it was nearly the most majestic 15 minutes of my life, second only to my experience at Disney World’s Main Street Electrical Parade. Just kidding, it was okay, and I hope I get the job, but I release it into the universe like Deepak Chopra tells me to.

It was a stressful day, but it gave me an excuse to have a burger which I’ve been craving. That burger might end up being a celebratory burger or a depressed burger, but either way I enjoyed the burger. Breathe in, breathe out; rent money is just a man-made construct.

******If you’re in the Los Angeles area, please give me a job.

Funny Friday: Sh*t Girls Say

One of my favorite twitter accounts is @shitgirlssay, which just tweets these short, unspecific things that girls say. It’s just really genius in its simplicity, and hilarious in a funny-cuz-it’s-true way.

Recently, the guy who writes this twitter came out with a webseries by the same name. The actor is Kyle Humphrey, and it was written/created with Kyle’s partner, Graydon Sheppard. It’s basically the most flawless example of a webseries I’ve ever seen. Watch it. You’re welcome.

Happy Friday, one and all. Share a bottle of wine with yourself tonight. You deserve it.

Stop by tomorrow (12/17) when I give you some great present ideas for people you don’t like enough to spend much money on.