Advice for College Freshmen

I went to an arts and communications school, so pretty much the only thing I’m qualified to do is dance around in a variety of wigs. Regardless, I still went to college so I think I’m at least qualified to give some advice about your freshmen year.

Don’t go out with someone you met at a party if you haven’t properly vetted them. This is actually advice you can heed for the rest of your life, but I feel like it’s particularly important now because you’re going to be meeting a lot of new people.

If you meet someone at a party and you have been imbibing in some sweet, sweet hummingbird nectar like PBR, you might want to make sure that everything checks out before you see them under something other than the soft, flattering glow of a black light. The problem is sometimes even Facebook doesn’t help that much. Case in point, I once went to a frat mixer (just shut up and keep moving) and met this guy at the ice booze luge… BOOZE LUGE.

Booze. Luge.

This kid was wearing a straw fedora…. STRAW FEDORA. And because the chilled vodka spilling forth from a trail of ice was hitting me juuuust right, I was convinced he looked like Jason Mraz. We ended up chatting on Facebook and I invited him to my sorority’s ‘Crush’ party as my crush.. I hate myself so much right now.

Jungle theme Crush party. Riley, Jill, Me, 2010.

Now, sure he didn’t look like Jason Mraz on his Facebook, but I tend to give guys the benefit of the doubt when it comes to pictures because I don’t think a lot of guys photograph well. CUT TO: Crush night. We all meet at my friend’s apartment. He STILL doesn’t look like Jason Mraz. Another thing I do not remember from the frat party: Kid is 6’10. I’m 5’3. It would have looked more appropriate for him to take my friend’s coat rack to this party instead of me. I mean he was nice and everything, and sure I like a tall guy, but God forbid we got married. My Leprechaun: in the Hood hips are not equipped to pass his Andre the Giant baby. Also we’d have to constantly tell people we met while competing in a booze luge competition. All I’m saying is be careful.

Put down the chicken tenders. I have awful opinions about everything that I craft out of some serious anthropological data that I gather from thin air, and one of those opinions is about how many people have to be slightly overweight once in their life. Most people I know (including myself) who were fat as children worked harder in college and their 20s to keep things right and tight, however kids who were skinny in high school get to college and act like they’ve never seen a waffle bar before. Problem is when you gain 20 pounds in college it’s a lot harder to lose that when you’re 23 than it was to lose 20 pounds when you’re 16. Look, I can still fit in my prom dress that I got sophomore year (That’s it. I just wanted you to know).

College Fronds. Caroline, Riley, MOI, Michelle.

Learn how to write a proper essay. This is the most important and practical advice I can possibly give you, and if you listen to anything I ever say let it be this and that you should never take pictures of yourself on the toilet and put them on Facebook. If you know how to write a proper essay and you go to a middle or lower tier college, I can’t tell you the kind of crap you can get away with stuffing into those essays. If the Emerson College administration knew how many times I used Sex and the City as a source in the various essays I wrote, they would revoke my degree. You can’t get away with that sort of stuff if you pass in a clunker, but if the paper flows like Burnetts down a booze luge then you’re   at least looking at a “B.”

So you can take this advice or leave it, but seriously, learn how to write an essay. And watch your drink!*

*That goes for boys too- I know like 5 guys who have been roofied because no one ever tells guys to watch their drink. Sage advice. Brunch for Every Meal, saving lives of young men everywhere.