Tyra Mail

My most controversial blog post to date, The More You Know: Men in Sweatpants, is still garnering negative attention from humorless men across the internet over 2 years since its initial posting. (Disclaimer: if you do check out that post, please don’t judge me for the writing or subject matter. It was two years ago!)

I somehow missed this gem that was gifted me last month:
photo tumblr_inline_mgmzaaT1od1rxis0k Sorry, Jaks. You’ve underestimated me. Leaving a snippy comment on here is the equivalent of Ms. Banks slipping some Tyra Mail under my door, so thank yewwww.

tumblr_n1ewew36II1s63c00o1_250 Meanwhile, I’m probably helping countless young men out there, guiding them through the trials and tribulation of adolescence. This is what I found on my Site Statistic page today:

photo If I can touch the life of even one lost and confused boy out there…….. well, then I probably don’t have to be a Big Brothers/Big Sisters volunteer which I’ve considered doing countless times.

Advertisements

How to Not Hate Everything

20130711-105020.jpg

Sorry for this whimsical tumblr-eque picture. I promise I won’t start streaking my hair with pastel chalk and transcribing scenes from The Virgin Suicides for my zine. This little kit-cat just illustrates my constant inner monologue so effectively.

You see, today, I decided to wear my Zooey Deschanel-y dress and a little extra make-up than usual in an experiment to test the theory that if I look cheerful and put together on the outside, then I will feel less like a potential arsonist on the inside, thus setting myself up for a wonderful day as a working woman. Instead, I got lost on my way to a job I’ve been driving to for the last two weeks. All I know is that I was giggling along to my favorite podcast Throwing Shade until suddenly I looked around and realized I didn’t recognize my surroundings anymore. I should have been 15 minutes early, and instead walked in exactly on time at 8:30. Despite the stressful commute, the day is turning out to be fine (yes, I’m still at work, but don’t worry, I’m writing this while I make like Ross Gellar-I am on a break. [did that work? No? What about if I said, “that sweater is a little Jason Biggs on you?” I guess that’s not so much a joke as it is just bastardizing the name of an American treasure…Sorry, it is unfair to be testing out material on you, readers. Moving on]).

Okay, back to work.

Stay in school, kids because you won’t know how to collate and staple performance inspection forms effectively without a $100,000 private university education.

Sent from my iPhone

Met Ball Fashion Coverage (by Someone Who Wears a Sports Bra Whether She’s Going to the Gym That Day or Not)

The Met Ball is one of the most exciting fashion events of the season! is something someone who knows about fashion would say, right?

This year’s event was “punk” themed, and I guess we learned that celebrities aren’t great at interpreting and following directions?

However:

tumblr_mmfpuzFpXp1qbya53o1_500 Nicole Richie

slide_295897_2417199_free Lily Collinsslide_295897_2416521_freeChristina Ricci

tumblr_mmfirm3EAH1qdu3vio1_500

Pacey Witter’s Girlfriend

tumblr_mmet56uxR51r2jcoko1_500 and Sienna Miller…

Your efforts were noted and appreciated.

slide_295897_2416422_freeHeidi, I know you probably have a surplus of vow-renewal gowns that you don’t have a use for anymore, but that is no excuse. You and Kate Upton have wasted everyone’s time.

slide_295897_2416968_freeThat GAP maxi dress would have been fine if this was the Kid’s Choice Awards, Kate! Show some respect, you could have at least put a safety pin through your earlobe or done  anything that would indicate you took this theme seriously.

rooney-mara-met-ball-2013-red-carpet-03 Rooney Mara…. she seems like a fun, down-to-Earth gal, doesn’t she?

On the other side of the coin…

slide_295897_2416465_free WE GET IT, JENNIFER!!! YOU’RE LIKEABLE!!!!! 

tumblr_mmfn27l8751qz7snso1_500And you know what, Kim? Good for you. Anna Wintour couldn’t keep you out of the Met Ball forever.  And your Fraulein Maria Couture dress is truly one of a kind.

Who Wore It Best: Psychopath Edition

While trying to find a live-stream of the Jodi Arias trial on my computer so I could multi-task packing for LA and enjoying the exploitation of a murder victim and his family, I stumbled upon this little nugget:

jodiWell, well, well, looks like even female murderers aren’t immune to objectification.

IN THAT CASE:

whoworeitbestI don’t knoooow, those pink handcuffs are a nice touch. When exactly did the Handcuffs for Delicate Lady Criminals line come out?

How I Get Ready for a Night on the Town

How do I go from looking like this: lindsay-lohan-crack

to this vision of class: 36510_4215369902773_2132590753_n

before a night out?

READ ON FOR THE SCOOP!

4 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Get a craving for some kind of take-out food for dinner. I will generally rationalize the fact that I’m about to eat some sort of heavy meal before wearing some sort of spandex/cotton blend dress by telling myself that eating a huge meal before drinking is the responsible thing to do.

3.5 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Curse myself for eating Indian or Greek food before going out. No amount of Listerine Total Care Mouthwash will hide this smell because now the chicken tikka masala is just seeping out of my pores. I make peace with myself and God and the fact that I’ll be talking with my hand discreetly in front of my mouth for the night.

3 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Finish the last 45 minutes of Clueless on Comedy Central.clueless-lipstick

2 Hours and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Remember that time exists and who I am as a person and realize that 2 hours and 15 minutes is cutting it close if I want to be ready on time.

2 Hours Prior to Leaving the House: Stop watching a 10 year-old episode of Law and Order: SVU on TBS and get in the shower (unless it’s the episode where Olivia goes undercover at the women’s prison, in which case, all is lost).

1 Hour and 15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Start in on a glass of wine while I dry my hair. Drinking while getting ready to go out and drinking while cooking are my two favorite hobbies besides drinking outside during the day.

1 Hour Prior to Leaving the House: Weigh the pros and cons of leaving the house. Think of ways to get out of these plans. Curse myself for making plans. Screen shot 2013-02-12 at 10.51.31 AM

45 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Realize that drinking before putting my eye make up on was a bad idea. Go through 8 Q-tips trying to clean up the mess I’ve made with my Urban Decay Naked Palette.

30 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Take a break because make up is tiring. Walk around the house. Pick at whatever food I didn’t finish from earlier. Pour myself more wine. Decide it’s too late to cancel now. Consider canceling, again. No, I’m going, I have to go.

15 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Look at my phone and see that I’m supposed to be at my destination in 5 minutes. Apply mascara and curl my eyelashes.

10 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on the outfit I decided on earlier.

5 Minutes Prior to Leaving the House: Put on a different outfit.

1 Minute Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes.

30 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Text friends that I’m on the road.

5 Seconds Prior to Leaving the House: Curl my eyelashes and tease my hair.

1 Second Prior to Leaving the House: Look longingly at the couch.

As you can see, there’s so much more to getting ready for a night out than most men realize.

313625_2124322667899_111874875_n Cheers, haters! Nobody looks this good in their New Balances!

Things Rich People Can Do For Others (but Mostly for Me)

1. Put together some kind of Toys for Tots drive, except instead of dolls for poor kids, you can donate your gently worn DVF wrap dresses and other designer clothing and accessories to me (who is short like a child, and poor in the upper-middle-class-suburban-white-girl-in-loads-of-student-loan-debt kind of way). Generally, I’m a size 2/4, but I can always tailor larger sizes at no cost to you.

Guuuuys, c'monnnnnn, I really want this denim wrap dressssss! Every girl should have a DVF wrap dressssss!

2. A rich family from Los Angeles could take me in as their foster child. I’ll happily set up an air mattress in your walk in closet or laundry room. Again, I look young enough to be a minor, so I’m sure this is a tax write-off.

Lissssaaaaa, let me live in your closetttt! You won't even know I'm theeeerrrre!

3. Donate money to me via Paypal. Or maybe we can set up a Kickstarter for a single mom. Or we can just keep giving money to college kids wanting to make short films. Whichever.

Obviously, I’m joking around, unless you’re into any of these suggestions, in which case, you can email me at the address listed under the ‘Contact’ tab. Thanks!

Colored Jeans

Spring has finally sprung– flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, birds are falling dead from the sky on to the roof of your car. Just kidding. That’s next year (I hope you enjoy your 80 degree March weather). For now, they chirp.

Now that the warmer months are upon us, I have to switch over from my winter yoga pants to my spring yoga capris that will constitute 75% of my wardrobe. To make up the last 25% of my spring and summer wardrobe (the clothes that I wear out of the house…when I’m out of the house to do something other than depositing a check or doing a few laps around the mall with my dad) I really want to invest in a few new trends, more specifically, a colored jean.

I don’t want to buy any new jeans yet because I’m doing the Jillian Michaels’ 90 Day Body Revolution, and I’m only on week 2. I want to wait until I’m a little farther into it so I can buy the right size since I plan on being a bag of skin and 6 pack abs when I’m finished.

Happy Spraaang (and start unplugging your phone charger when you’re done with it so you don’t make Mother Earth and Al Gore cry).

My New Purse (Bag Full of Dreams)

In general, I’m not a huge fan of any kind of purse that is frequently ‘knocked off’ (meaning copied, not killed by some Mafia handbag organization). If I’m going to spend a significant amount of my beer promo money (can I just say real quick that I just sample wine and beer at Super Markets? Not dressed in a tube top at a bar. Though one time I did have to ride a bike around Faneuil Hall wearing a red jumper and Keds for Amstel Lite) on a mid-level nice-ish purse, I don’t want some housewife at the mall getting the same fashion-cred for her purse when I know that she only spent $30 on it at a tag sale. Purses like this generally include Coach, Dooney and Burke, the classic Louis Vuitton and other super high end purses (and who do you think you’re kidding, 9th grader from New Hampshire? I know there’s only bath salts and weed –not platinum Visa cards– in that ‘Chanel’ bag).

I’ve especially never been a big fan of Coach purses (mostly because of the ‘C’ pattern), but the other day, I blacked out and when I came to I was the proud owner of this little lady:

Can’t you see me in a sun dress and my gladiator sandals (with ample arch support and padding) with this slung across my shoulder as I skip over to brunch in some big city. Ohhh, how many dreams can one purse hold?

Assets By Sara Blakely

Ladies! Where my ladies at? Don’t you love a nice pair of Spanx?! Amiright or amiright? (I’m working on my 1980’s lady-stand up. How’m I doing? I think this would work a lot better if you could see how big my shoulder pads are right now).

There’s one lady I know who loves a little Spanx- Academy Award winner Octavia Spencer.

If you noticed when she won her Oscar, the two men on either side of her just kind of hoisted her up while she remained light-as-a-feather-stiff-as-a-board, refusing to bend any joints as she made her ascent to a standing position. Maybe she was injured, but more likely she was Spanxed up to her chin and couldn’t move. God bless her, and God bless tight, non-breathable lycra.

You can get these ankle length or full length.

Spanx came out with some really resilient panty hose, (sold for about $17 at Target) and I don’t know about you, but I love a hearty nylon. Too often I buy a pair of panty hose and they barely last me through a night. These are the first pair that have the stability of a legging, and the sheerness of a panty hose. They haven’t run on me yet.

Another big plus is they are so tight that it becomes nearly impossible to finish a meal. When wearing these, you will feel full in half the time you would if you were wearing normal hose that didn’t push all of your vital organs through your stomach and against your spine.

If you’re looking to combine your illegal black market appetite suppressant expenses with what you pay in control top panty hose, then Assets by Sara Blakely (Spanx inventor, FYI) is the deal for you.